Thread: In defense of punctuation

"It is under these circumstances that we feel constrained to call upon you to come to our aid should a disturbance arise here the circumstances are so extreme that we cannot but believe that you and the men under you will not fail to come to the rescue of people who are so situated."

Compare these two versions of the above quote, noting the placement of the period:

"It is under these circumstances that we feel constrained to call upon you to come to our aid. Should a disturbance arise here the circumstances are so extreme that we cannot but believe that you and the men under you will not fail to come to the rescue of people who are so situated."

"It is under these circumstances that we feel constrained to call upon you to come to our aid should a disturbance arise here. The circumstances are so extreme that we cannot but believe that you and the men under you will not fail to come to the rescue of people who are so situated."

The latter was what was intended by the original senders. The former was the way the recipient interpreted it. Thus a message that was merely intended to secure support instead initiated the tragic and ineffective Jameson Raid into the then Boer colony of Transvaal (in what is now South Africa). A simple omission of punctuation was the culprit.

This is why punctuation is so important. Punctuation serves chiefly to remove any ambiguities of meaning; where it does not do that, it guides the reader in the flow of the text. Yes, what you intend to communicate may be understood if most punctuation were to be omitted or if you were to punctuate capriciously according to your own made-up rules, but adhering to standard uses of punctuation greatly aids the reader in understanding what you have written. It also aids you in that people are more likely to pay attention to your writing if they can get its message easily.

That said, let's start with the absolute simplest but perhaps most abused and misused grammatical device: the APOSTROPHE.



The rules governing its usage are short, simple, and more or less invariant compared to the usage of other punctuation marks.

1) To indicate a singular possessive noun for a noun that does not end in "s," simply add "'s."

Examples: "The boy's toy" means "the toy of the boy." It does NOT mean "the toy of the boys." "David's bong" means "the bong of David."

2) To indicate the possessive of a singular noun for a noun that ends in "s," simply add an apostrophe at the end of the noun. It is also acceptable to add "'s" to the end of the noun.

Example: "Mr. James' frag" or "Mr. James's frag" both mean "the frag of Mr. James."

3) To indicate the possessive of a plural noun:

3a) If the plural form of the noun ends in "s," simply add an apostrophe at the end of the noun.

Example: "The lions' nipples" means "the nipples of the lions." It does NOT mean "the nipples of the lion."

3b) If the plural form of the noun does not end in "s," simply add "'s" at the end of the noun.

Example: "The men's penises" means "the penises of the men."

4) For pronouns, you make them possessive simply by adding an "s" WITH NO APOSTROPHE. Adding "'s" makes it a contraction between the pronoun and "is."

Example: "Its" is possessive; "it's" means "it is."

5) To contract a noun or pronoun with "is," simply add "'s."

Example: "Your mom's a stupid fucker" means "Your mom is a stupid fucker."



It's not hard people. That's all there is to it. PLEASE for the love of your stupid whore of a mom use apostrophes correctly. Thank you.

PLEASE NOTE that any grammatical mistakes in the above rant are purely accidental...

EDIT: Replaced a conjunction with a semicolon to make TOGS happy.