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Thread: I have my first ever "First Date" On Friday!

  1. #81
    λεγιων ονομα μοι sycld's Avatar
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    The first date should be anonymous sex in a darkened room. If you like it, then you can introduce yourselves to each other with a good old fashioned "Hi, my name is..." If not, then leave the room without saying a word.


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  2. #82
    the eagle
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    Ideal first date:

    Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

    You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

    I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

    Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

    When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, "MORE", "HARDER", "YES", "fucc ME", but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

    When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like "OH GOD", "YES", OR "IT HURTS" no other conversation is allowed.

    When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like "Thanks", "It was great", "I loved it", "Don't stop"

    If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

    I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.

  3. #83
    Scito Te Ipsum TheOriginalGrumpySpy's Avatar
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    Or discuss strategy.

  4. #84
    Senior Member Nauticat's Avatar
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    The date got rearranged to tonight VERY abrubtly. She called me and said she had to go away for work on Friday morning and could I do tonight?

    Drinks at mine was her idea.

  5. #85
    Senior Member Nauticat's Avatar
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    All I can say about it is that there will be no second date.

  6. #86
    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    ouch

    well, sometimes there are busts

  7. #87
    Take orally. no_brains_no_worries's Avatar
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    Them are the breaks man. But hey, chalk this one up to experience!
    Quote Originally Posted by ozzy View Post
    He came to the states for his birthday and now he's going home in a body bag. That's what you get for sending your child to Utah.
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    i would have whipped out my dick in that situation
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    News flash, guys can't get pregnant from vaginal sex either.
    Quote Originally Posted by Atmoscheer View Post
    But what is their policy on winning the hearts and minds through forcible vaginal entry?

  8. #88
    Band simonj's Avatar
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    Hey, if she wants to go to your place then you might be in. If not, chloroform and denial.

  9. #89
    the eagle
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nauticat
    All I can say about it is that there will be no second date.
    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    Hey, if she wants to go to your place then you might be in. If not, chloroform and denial.
    Reading comprehension.

  10. #90
    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MalReynolds View Post
    Reading comprehension.
    Things that are overrated?
    Things that won't get you laid?
    Things that simonj doesn't use?

  11. #91
    Band simonj's Avatar
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    My bad.

  12. #92
    boxman Mang's Avatar
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    In all fairness, his chloroform and denial strategy can still be applied.

  13. #93
    condescending gibberish DickStivers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nauticat View Post
    All I can say about it is that there will be no second date.
    i think you owe the internet an explanation after this long goddamn thread

  14. #94
    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DickStivers View Post
    i think you owe the internet an explanation after this long goddamn thread
    Seconded

  15. #95
    Senior Member Tekk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DickStivers View Post
    i think you owe the internet an explanation after this long goddamn thread
    Thirded.

    How did you fuck up drinks at your place?

  16. #96
    Superfly Pepsi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tekk View Post
    Thirded.

    How did you fuck up drinks at your place?
    hehehe
    I hear the voices inside my head. They counsel me. They understand. They talk to me.

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    You know, when Tidus points out that you have failed at internetting, it's probably time to go ahead and off yourself.
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  17. #97
    λεγιων ονομα μοι sycld's Avatar
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    Yeah, seriously. Spill it girl. If you don't, you'll lose 1000 points of e-cred. Or is it called iCred now...?


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    If you don't like them, then get the fuck out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Think View Post
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  18. #98
    Superfly Pepsi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sycld View Post
    Yeah, seriously. Spill it girl. If you don't, you'll lose 1000 points of e-cred. Or is it called iCred now...?
    It's e-cred because Apple sucks.
    I hear the voices inside my head. They counsel me. They understand. They talk to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by djwolford View Post
    You know, when Tidus points out that you have failed at internetting, it's probably time to go ahead and off yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    pepsi reserves the right to tell cryptic to get out at any time

    it's in the CD charter

  19. #99
    Senior Member Nauticat's Avatar
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    She came over, drinks were drunk, Doritos were Dorito'd and conversations were conversed. We got on ok, but we have absoloutely NOTHING in common. Literally zero.

    I like Sports and Movies. She hates sports and didn't know who Al Pacino was.
    She likes Dancing and The Hills. I can't dance, and the Hills makes me want to commit genocide.

    I would like to say we will be friends, but that really is such a long shot right about now.

  20. #100
    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    people who say they have nothing in common because they don't like the same stuff are shallow assholes

  21. #101
    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    gwahir that is a tad harsh, but not entirely untrue

  22. #102
    Senior Member Nauticat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    people who say they have nothing in common because they don't like the same stuff are shallow assholes
    Fair point. But I need to be able to hold a conversation with someone, and with her it is very very very difficult. Unless we were talking about something SHE liked, she wasnt interested. I accomodated this, talking about her interests for a very long time, but the moment my life came into the conversation she just zoned out.

  23. #103
    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    well it's possible that that makes her self-absorbed and crappy, but it's also possible that makes you a boring conversationalist.

    edit: probably a little of both.

  24. #104
    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    I mean, I will never date a girl who thinks Nickelback is a group of good musicians.

    She can listen to Nickelback, and even like them, but if she thinks they are talented then it is sayonara.

  25. #105
    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. E View Post
    I mean, I will never date a girl who thinks Nickelback is a group of good musicians.

    She can listen to Nickelback, and even like them, but if she thinks they are talented then it is sayonara.
    hahah

    now that's more to the point. who cares what someone likes, it's about their judgment, openmindedness, ability to reflect, etc etc etc etc.

    that's the stuff that matters. that's what's worth having in common. but in any case people who have nothing in common except species sometimes get on amazingly well and fall in love. to not like someone because they're not sufficiently like you is what i find shallow. to not like someone because he or she is arrogant, annoying, themselves shallow, aggressive, a horrible person etc etc is much more acceptable.

  26. #106
    Senior Member Nauticat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    hahah

    now that's more to the point. who cares what someone likes, it's about their judgment, openmindedness, ability to reflect, etc etc etc etc.

    that's the stuff that matters. that's what's worth having in common. but in any case people who have nothing in common except species sometimes get on amazingly well and fall in love. to not like someone because they're not sufficiently like you is what i find shallow. to not like someone because he or she is arrogant, annoying, themselves shallow, aggressive, a horrible person etc etc is much more acceptable.
    That's the stuff that matters to YOU. Everybody looks for different things in people. I happen to like someone I can hold a conversation with.

    Not to start and internet bitch fest, but it is kind of arrogant of you to presume that I am wrong in what I look for.

  27. #107
    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    The last girl I dated was exactly like me in every way but two, and I literally every way but two. One of those ways was that she was a girl.

    We got along great for about three months and then self-destructed into a giant ball of fire because the things about myself that I hated she did too, and situations perpetuated themselves to ridiculously stupid proportions.

  28. #108
    Senior Member Nauticat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. E View Post
    The last girl I dated was exactly like me in every way but two, and I literally every way but two. One of those ways was that she was a girl.

    We got along great for about three months and then self-destructed into a giant ball of fire because the things about myself that I hated she did too, and situations perpetuated themselves to ridiculously stupid proportions.
    I was with my last girlfriend for a few months short of 9 years (13th Birthday present). She was/is my best friend. Similar interests, good conversation, and that worked out pretty darn well.

  29. #109
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nauticat View Post
    That's the stuff that matters to YOU. Everybody looks for different things in people. I happen to like someone I can hold a conversation with.

    Not to start and internet bitch fest, but it is kind of arrogant of you to presume that I am wrong in what I look for.
    You are the wrongest.

    Totally, totally wrong.

    I mean, you are like the captain of the USS Wrongerprise

    I mean, you are like the king of the United Wrongdom

    I mean, you are like the duke of the fiefdom of Wrongingham

    ...

    lol, I jest, I jest, I know it is subjective

  30. #110
    I loves sausage festival! djwolford's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. E View Post
    I mean, I will never date a girl who thinks Nickelback is a group of good musicians.

    She can listen to Nickelback, and even like them, but if she thinks they are talented then it is sayonara.
    Thinking that Nickelback is talented should always be a dealbreaker. Good call sir.
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  31. #111
    Superfly Pepsi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nauticat View Post
    That's the stuff that matters to YOU. Everybody looks for different things in people. I happen to like someone I can hold a conversation with.

    Not to start and internet bitch fest, but it is kind of arrogant of you to presume that I am wrong in what I look for.
    Well, you did pretty much get rid of a girl that would sound stereotypically hot.

    Time to go back to your comics and kitty.
    I hear the voices inside my head. They counsel me. They understand. They talk to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by djwolford View Post
    You know, when Tidus points out that you have failed at internetting, it's probably time to go ahead and off yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    pepsi reserves the right to tell cryptic to get out at any time

    it's in the CD charter

  32. #112
    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nauticat View Post
    I was with my last girlfriend for a few months short of 9 years (13th Birthday present). She was/is my best friend. Similar interests, good conversation, and that worked out pretty darn well.
    You clearly like yourself more than I like myself.

  33. #113
    Senior Member Nauticat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. E View Post
    You clearly like yourself more than I like myself.
    I'm so pretty.

  34. #114
    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nauticat View Post
    That's the stuff that matters to YOU. Everybody looks for different things in people. I happen to like someone I can hold a conversation with.

    Not to start and internet bitch fest, but it is kind of arrogant of you to presume that I am wrong in what I look for.
    Who wouldn't like someone they can hold a conversation with? But I'm saying that if all you can hold a conversation about is as shallow as movies and music, there's something wrong at a rather deeper level.

  35. #115
    sponge sponge's Avatar
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    Nauticat or robocat?

    Oh goodness a conundrum.
    Quote Originally Posted by Atmosfear View Post
    scarf wasn't man enough to do it so queendork pushed herself down the stairs.

  36. #116
    Senior Member Tekk's Avatar
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    Wait, you weren't trying to just fuck the girl? What kind of relationship starts without physical attraction and sexual tension?

    I can deal with a girl liking Nickelback, hell I prefer it. I don't mind if they listen to it, love it, think they are greatest musicians ever, etc, since that just means that she fits one of my criteria: She's Dumb.

  37. #117
    Senior Member Nauticat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    Who wouldn't like someone they can hold a conversation with? But I'm saying that if all you can hold a conversation about is as shallow as movies and music, there's something wrong at a rather deeper level.
    Like a lack of connection?

    Theres a difference between a difference in personality and a personality clash.

  38. #118
    Superfly Pepsi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nauticat View Post
    Like a lack of connection?

    Theres a difference between a difference in personality and a personality clash.
    She likes dancing and The Hills.

    She's a DRONE.

    She's programmable.

    It just takes TIME.
    I hear the voices inside my head. They counsel me. They understand. They talk to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by djwolford View Post
    You know, when Tidus points out that you have failed at internetting, it's probably time to go ahead and off yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    pepsi reserves the right to tell cryptic to get out at any time

    it's in the CD charter

  39. #119
    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tekk View Post
    Wait, you weren't trying to just fuck the girl? What kind of relationship starts without physical attraction and sexual tension?

    I can deal with a girl liking Nickelback, hell I prefer it. I don't mind if they listen to it, love it, think they are greatest musicians ever, etc, since that just means that she fits one of my criteria: She's Dumb.
    hurdy-dur look at me everybody I am on the internet and all I care about is sexing dumb sluts

    lawlawlawlawlawlawlawlawlawlawl

  40. #120
    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nauticat View Post
    Like a lack of connection?

    Theres a difference between a difference in personality and a personality clash.
    You are missing my point entirely. It may be because I called you shallow.

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