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Thread: Break Up Letter That's Actually Funny

  1. #1
    Merry fucking Christmas Atmosfear's Avatar
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    Default Break Up Letter That's Actually Funny

    Brad,
    It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

    Elizabeth
    Dear Elizabeth,

    Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'. You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red Sock with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much raisin bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't Fuck him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to you yesterday. Since your World revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

    By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

    PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

    Talk to you never,

    Brad
    Yes, it's a copypasta. It's been passed around fraternity and sorority listservs with the typical "my friend sent this to me when he broke up with his girlfriend" bullshit. It's probably fake but it's still more entertaining than that other awful Break Up Letter thread.

  2. #2
    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    I disagree that this is more entertaining than the other break-up letter. This is just a break-up letter and response between two shallow worthless people, and things such as that do less to amuse than annoy.

  3. #3
    Superfly Pepsi's Avatar
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    Oh.
    I hear the voices inside my head. They counsel me. They understand. They talk to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by djwolford View Post
    You know, when Tidus points out that you have failed at internetting, it's probably time to go ahead and off yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    pepsi reserves the right to tell cryptic to get out at any time

    it's in the CD charter

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    Band simonj's Avatar
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    This thread promised laughs.

    I want my laughs.

  5. #5
    Superfly Pepsi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    This thread promised laughs.

    I want my laughs.
    Go take a look at my face.
    I hear the voices inside my head. They counsel me. They understand. They talk to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by djwolford View Post
    You know, when Tidus points out that you have failed at internetting, it's probably time to go ahead and off yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    pepsi reserves the right to tell cryptic to get out at any time

    it's in the CD charter

  6. #6
    Band simonj's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pepsi View Post
    Go take a look at my face.
    Sorry did I say depression, I made laughter?

  7. #7
    Superfly Pepsi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    Sorry did I say depression, I made laughter?
    Um what?
    I hear the voices inside my head. They counsel me. They understand. They talk to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by djwolford View Post
    You know, when Tidus points out that you have failed at internetting, it's probably time to go ahead and off yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    pepsi reserves the right to tell cryptic to get out at any time

    it's in the CD charter

  8. #8
    Band simonj's Avatar
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    Your face is depressing. People who look like you should not be allowed near cameras. Or people.

  9. #9
    Superfly Pepsi's Avatar
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    And in comes one of my patented
    I hear the voices inside my head. They counsel me. They understand. They talk to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by djwolford View Post
    You know, when Tidus points out that you have failed at internetting, it's probably time to go ahead and off yourself.
    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    pepsi reserves the right to tell cryptic to get out at any time

    it's in the CD charter

  10. #10
    Senior Member Killuminati's Avatar
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    But it should make you feel better about yourself.

  11. #11
    the common sense fairy solecistic's Avatar
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    I laughed when I read this 5 years ago.


  12. #12
    ))) joke, relax ;) coqauvin's Avatar
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    it's pretty funny on its first read

    i'm still putting this on the same level as the other one though

  13. #13
    Merry fucking Christmas Atmosfear's Avatar
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    At least this one is in english

  14. #14
    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    i hate the guy in this one more than the girl

  15. #15
    Ambulatory Blender MrShrike's Avatar
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    I can't really understand why Gwahir.

    You know, under the circumstances and all that jazz.

  16. #16
    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    because he insults some whorebag for something he presumably had little problem with while they were together

    he calls her vapid, shallow and stupid and yet by the sound of it was apparently in a long term relationship with her

  17. #17
    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    i mean don't get me wrong she's a useless cunt but he's a hypocrite and that's worse

  18. #18
    the eagle
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    Some people will walk along train tracks and just smile, knowing that trains used to come down the track, but there's no way a train will be coming down the track while I'm on it and then they get hit by a train and go, Well, shit. Never saw that coming.

    Guy in letter is guy on track.

  19. #19
    kiss my sweaty balls benzss's Avatar
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    The other one was funnier

    Please eat your hands next time

  20. #20
    Ghost Poaster Woofness's Avatar
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    oh come on guys! these aren't funny. this is a persons feelings we are talking about, we should be more considerate.

    there is no such thing as a funny break up letter.
    Quote Originally Posted by <JANE> View Post
    This post was quite an effort to make, I hope it wont get lost.

  21. #21
    Touch Me I'm Sick dudeman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Woofness View Post
    there is no such thing as a funny break up letter.
    Oh I beg to differ.
    The fiery red Torino rolled to the curb, we hit the pavement ready for action.

  22. #22
    Band simonj's Avatar
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    I enjoyed that one.

  23. #23
    Love's Young Nightmare Nevrmore's Avatar
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    I'm reminded of the video of the guy who, upon being dumped by his girlfriend, states calmly that in retaliation he's going to fuck her mother.

    And does so.

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