"This song is about Jesus...or it's about Romeo and Juliet. I can't tell."
"I don't wear tight pants anymore. I had a bad experience with sweat pants and my mother."
"The girls from Hey Dude built a factory to undress me and to prepare me for pleasureful acts."
"I live vicariously through the fat men on Price is Right."
"I think I got in my pants with my sheets."
"I've cut you before and I will cut you again!"
"My shoulder is not a vagina. In fact, I have a penis."
"Sometimes my lymphatic system attacks my embryonic embrionauts."
"My testicles are in the middle of a village that hasn't been touched in a long time - in the rainforest even."
"He only did it because of my awesome t-shirt."

...yeah, my friends like to chronicle the dumb things I say