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Thread: do college girlfriends transition to real life?

  1. #1
    sponge sponge's Avatar
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    Mystery do college girlfriends transition to real life?

    My issue is a bit more detailed than the thread title but it boils down to approximately that.

    I'm graduating in May with my BS, my girlfriend of 5 months also in May with her MS. I have a job lined up, she doesn't. My job is in Amsterdam, I'm being moved out there from here in the US. If I don't take her now, Dutch immigration will almost certainly prevent her from coming before I work for 3 years, so there's no let's-wait-a-few-months.

    We'd talked about her coming with me to wherever I got a job as my degree and previous experience almost guaranteed me a plethora of well-paying job offers and she was unsure of what she wanted to do. I had no reason to assume I'd be leaving the country and so if we moved somewhere and broke up in 2 months it'd be no big deal. Instead, I got a job offer (that I've taken) in the Netherlands.

    My first reaction was to not take her, as when the relationship ends (as they tend to do) she'll be fucked: depending on how long she's been in the country, it could affect her immigration status. Even if she doesn't and she wants to return to the US, she'll have to dump a bunch of money to do just that.

    I've talked to a handful of people (friends in Europe and here) and they all tell me it's best to not take her but I've yet to really figure out why. She really wants to come. I'm generally cautious about it but I'm having a hard time figuring out what could go wrong that'd significantly hurt me, if I took her. My dilemma is that I feel like I'm ending the relationship while I still want to be in it, although if I have to choose between her and the job, I'll choose the job (I promised myself I'd go if I got a job in the area years before I met her).

    So, would I be a total fucking moron if I took my college girlfriend to live with me in the Netherlands?
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    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    no, because she really wants to come.

    if she knows the risks, has the financial means to come home if need be (or parents that could bail her out, even, i don't know) and isn't labouring under any delusions then why not?

    if you think there's any chance of this being a permanent relationship, and so does she, then go for it. plenty of people marry their first partners, or partners they met at college -- or before. my very close friends have been going out since year eight and just recently got married. we all said "finally".

    but i think you do -- BOTH -- have to think of this as a permanent thing, or something potentially permanent. i'm not saying you need to pop the question before you go or that going is any kind of commitment, but i think that for this to be fair to her, the life-long thing needs to be FEASIBLE for the two of you. if you can't really take seriously the idea of spending your lives together, her moving country probably isn't the right thing to do.

    unless you both see it the same way and she's still happy to blow a few grand chasing a fun relationship. in which case, what's the loss?

  3. #3
    i got colours WellAdjusted's Avatar
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    I think you should decide whether you can be with her for a long time and be happy.

    If it were me, I would end it. To me, you saying that you would take the job is already a sign that you shouldn't take her. You're going to be somewhere new, and I think you can get the most of it if you are single (I'm not saying like fuck every girl, but it's still a lot easier without another person to account for)

    If it's really something special then there is no reason why it can't pick up again later in life. You would be ending on good terms, so I think it's best to do it now, just in case.
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    A very manly muppet Mad Pino Rage's Avatar
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    I like Gwahir's take, and at first that would be my response. Then after reading WellAdjusted's reply I took a minute to think.

    I don't want to parrot back your feelings and dilemma to you, so I guess I'll try to put it to you as simply as I can. If you take her to the Netherlands, the relationships ends, and she has to move back, then how will that affect you? She'll be in a bad situation, but is the possible risk worth the effort? I don't know if this is a valid point, but just what comes to my mind.
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    judge reinhold gina's Avatar
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    Everyone here has made very good points and it does give you something to think about.

    Leaving college and transitioning into the "real world," as they say, is a brand new, big exciting chapter in everyone's life. And you actually having a job lined up after college puts you light years ahead, especially with the way the US's economy is going these days.

    I can really only speak from my own experience and my own beliefs, having been out of college for almost 4 years now. I personally believe that this time in your life is very crucial to carve your own way in life. It's best to stay an "I" at this time instead of a "we." You're finding out just what you want to be, your career goals, your short and long term life plans. Moving to a whole new place is extremely exciting, and it's opening up a brand new chapter in your life. If the risks weren't so huge, for both you and her, I'd say yes, take her with you. But the circumstances surrounding it sounds to me it may not be the best move. There's just a lot of time, money, and hurt feelings at stake.

    If you truly see yourself putting a ring on it sometime in the near future, (months and months from now, not like, next week or anything), and she's assessed her risks and options, then why not? But your initial reaction was not to take her. That should tell you something.

    College relationships do continue out of school, but the only ones I've seen that have transitioned to out-of-school relationships/engagements/marriages, are the ones where the couple has been dating for years and have seen their partners through all four seasons.

    I'd never think of you as a moron if you took her. But it's really not a decision that should be taken lightly. It's ultimately a decision you should make as a couple. And really, with technology as it is these days, staying in touch isn't nearly as complicated as it once was. You don't have to wait for the Titanic to cross over the Atlantic to arrive with a letter from her.

    Congratulations on graduating and your job, and good luck with whatever decision you make.
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    Merry fucking Christmas Atmosfear's Avatar
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    If you genuinely think this could be the last one (and that you aren't just expiration dating) then you should bring her after having a very sober, serious discussion of the risks she's taking by moving with you.

    If you're not sure about her, or your readiness to someday put a ring on it, you owe it to her not to let her come. Give long distance a shot, maybe, but let her uproot.
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