i told you guys last year about how i thought i was depressed and needed to see someone. i saw someone, a psych i really liked and who helped me a lot, until this year, when i stopped being able to afford him. i haven't seen him since december.

i should say at this point that nothing in my life is all that bad. it's not great being jobless and broke and living with my dad, but it's not objectively so terrible.

i'm just sad. i'm not MISERABLE, you know, where you mope and brood and can't socialise and have terrible hygiene (not all the time, anyway), i'm sad. i see my friends fairly often, as well as rehearse for the show i'm in and work on the show coming up, but they just seem to be distractions from the sadness. even sex isn't that fun -- it's just pressure release, and then back to status quo.

what i was going through last year, and what literally nearly killed me, was despair. i felt like i was damaged so badly i could never recover, and i'd be inconsolably miserable for the rest of my life. what i feel now is different. it's quieter but just as confident. what i feel now is "resigned": resigned that there's no way my ambitions can be realised and that my dreams just don't gel with reality. resigned to never being particularly good at the craft i love. resigned to being a defective model, which is what i've felt like for years.

a real job would make me feel pretty good. but a GOOD one, like, one that made me feel like i was going somewhere. and i've had no luck finding one. i'm too afraid to apply for less desirable jobs; afraid that working at one would make me hate myself and my life more.

what i've got is ennui. but it's ennui that's bad enough that it makes me stare whistfully at big, thick trees as i drive past. and briefly consider stepping out onto the road without looking, just in case i'm lucky enough that there's a truck there to take me out by surprise. and long for the tiny space rock that won't crush my hometown, just fall on my head against incredible odds in a freak occurrence that's nobody's fault. i'm not struggling to keep from harming myself -- what i am is afraid that one day i'm just going to decide that it'd be better if i just went away. (although i definitely will not kill myself before i see the avengers.)

i'm posting this here because i want fresh thoughts. i don't have any of my own. and i'll probably argue with everything offered. but maybe something will come out of it.