hi again guys

it's not that i love posting in PS, but i can't say certain things to my actual friends without them saying annoying cliches and hurriedly attempting patchwork reassurance.

anyway.

the recent mad men finale has a character with severe depression go in for electro shock therapy because it's the only thing that can give her peace -- in her words, "i feel this door open, and i want to walk through it." she's talking about suicide. it's actually an absolutely perfect metaphor to describe how i've felt for the last year or more. it's the feeling that this is an option. i could do this. and afterwards, i might not be happy, but i sure wouldn't be miserable.

now, i don't always want to walk through that door, though i have spent months at a time wanting it. i don't really want to right now. but the door's open. i can't logic it away. i can't dismiss it as emotion because it's a position i arrived at so naturally and rationally over a period of years. i can't can't take the option off the table.

what if i never can? am i just standing at the threshold, waiting for a moment of sufficient weakness (or misery) when i decide to walk through? it makes me feel like i'm on borrowed time. in the short term it's not like i'm worried that i'm going to jump off a building like my friend two years ago. it's the long term; i don't know if i'll always decide not to do it.

any insight? it was good to put this thought to words, anyway.