Thread: what if i can never close the door?

Originally Posted by gwahir

the recent mad men finale has a character with severe depression go in for electro shock therapy because it's the only thing that can give her peace -- in her words, "i feel this door open, and i want to walk through it." she's talking about suicide. it's actually an absolutely perfect metaphor to describe how i've felt for the last year or more. it's the feeling that this is an option. i could do this. and afterwards, i might not be happy, but i sure wouldn't be miserable.

What do you mean by 'afterwards'?

Your priority is to remove misery over acquiring happiness only when the misery is overwhelming. But you know to think long-term about the potential overall misery and happiness in your life, not to mention other things you value that will increase with your lifespan. This is obviously impossible to predict, and that's the point—the scope of your decision is much bigger than any given moment. I am not saying you have so much to live for; the decision is so complex that it can consume you enough to stall indefinitely.

Originally Posted by gwahir

now, i don't always want to walk through that door, though i have spent months at a time wanting it. i don't really want to right now. but the door's open. i can't logic it away. i can't dismiss it as emotion because it's a position i arrived at so naturally and rationally over a period of years. i can't can't take the option off the table.

There's no need to reason the door close, and there's nothing logically stopping you or anyone else from walking through the door at any time. Your very struggle with this is an emotional issue; the door being open isn't because of emotion, but the way to close it would be emotionally... maybe not at your current state, but do you get the distinction?

Also, don't dismiss an option just because it's emotion-based.

Originally Posted by gwahir

what if i never can? am i just standing at the threshold, waiting for a moment of sufficient weakness (or misery) when i decide to walk through? it makes me feel like i'm on borrowed time. in the short term it's not like i'm worried that i'm going to jump off a building like my friend two years ago. it's the long term; i don't know if i'll always decide not to do it.

This suggests you are very reluctant to go through with it. Likely, you will keep this mindset.

The threshold isn't static, and neither is your perception of the threshold.

Would you rather be someone who never thinks about his threshold, and suddenly becomes sufficiently weak and miserable?