Thread: what if i can never close the door?

Well, I can't tell you anything that will help you "close the door," since I that door is wide, wide open and trying to suck me in.

I doubt that it's a surprise to many that I struggle with suicidal thoughts. It's become a daily routine for me: I feel spikes of emotional pain, and it inevitably leads to thoughts about the very many ways I can do it (I have 24 hours access to a physical sciences lab after all) and how I would stage it. The dialogue is down pat in my head. I don't know, however, if I could easily state it, at least not without thinking about it, since it's something that's so incredibly taboo it's hard to be completely honest about it. I reflexively censor myself, though it's a reflex I'm getting better and better at overcoming.


So... what should I say to make it better for you? Or what should I say at all?

Well first: why am I not dead yet? The only thing keeping me alive are my parents. Of that I'm moderately certain. There's also the existential anxiety over actually CHOOSING to not be anymore. It would be different if death were inevitable at some certain point in the near future, as I still have my self-preservation instinct.

So you use the Mad Men analogy about an open doorway. My analogy is the "call": it's a voice that's constantly calling me to end it whenever I experience a moment of vulnerability. Another analogy I like to use is stretching the definition of "psychological morbidity." This term means being a state of psychological NON-well being. To me, it's being dead, or literally nonexxistent, inside while physically being whole and alive. I feel like my spirit, or whatever analogue you like, is murdered everyday, even while I still am whole and even fairly healthy physically. And thus, I feel like there's an impulse to make my physical state match the state of my spirit.


What I cannot tolerate anymore is rejection and being made ashamed of myself. I feel it all the time, but frankly it's too much right now to go into too many details. All I can say is that I am never good enough: I'm either UGLY, or STUPID, or LAZY, EMOTIONALLY ROBOTIC AND UNREAL, or WHATEVER. Being UGLY is a big one for me: I'm big on physical appearance, as is the gay community, and I'm devastated when I feel I'm rejected because of it. But regardless of the reason, I feel like people around me push me away, avoid me, or outright degrade me because they detect that I'm worse than them.

I only have two friends (one of whom is over an hour away). They are mostly sympathetic, but sometimes I feel like they misunderstand my intentions. My parents are there for me, but they can't accept that I'm gay, and given that my social life now more or less revolves around being gay, I can't be honest with many of my most difficult emotional struggles.


I can easily (maybe over-simply) explain why I'm in this state: the main two reasons are genetics and being gay. Mental illness runs in my family. It used to be a secret, until I expressed frankly how utterly devastated I was. Then I suddenly learned my dad experienced much of what I did.

Of course, he was straight, so things were relatively amplified for me, given that I was raised in an atmosphere that accepted almost EVERYTHING else BUT homosexuality.


I doubt that any of this helps you, but it might help me.