heh. it helps.

if nothing else, it's helpful hearing other people's responses and what they're going through. as you say, the topic is incredibly stigmatic and having open conversations about it is pretty intensely liberating.

it's so easy to look at someone else in the same situation and think "what are you even thinking? it gets better. don't do it. the world would prefer to have you around" but impossible to feel it for yourself.

i guess what's getting me through this -- and the irony isn't lost on me -- is faith. i don't FEEL it'll get better. all the evidence i can see points at me being like this for the rest of my life (however long that is). but i just... i just tell myself it'll be better. i can work to make it better. i don't have to feel it, i don't have to believe it, i just have to be patient enough to stick it out. i'll lean hard on my friends if i have to (i don't feel as attached to my family as i wish i did). i would say to you, make connections. it doesn't matter where. support group. science club. local theatre troupe. make connections. you need them, and they're worth the effort and discomfort of going out looking for them.

i "came out" about some of this stuff to a lot of my friends recently, where before only two or three knew what i was feeling. it felt pretty good. and, as i wrote at the end, i'm not at real risk of going anywhere very soon, as i need to stick around long enough to find out how game of thrones ends.