It's a Saturday night and here I am, posting about my woes on CD. I've never really posted in PS before, but after a drunken walk back involving some intense introspection I decided I might dabble. Some of you may not read this entire thing, some of you may actually trudge through it, but in the end I think this is more of me just putting what I think out there and, like everyone else, waiting for some response which may provide some insight I cannot come to myself.

I'm extremely lonely. I always have been. Even as I write this now (all my roommates are gone out partying elsewhere or hooking up) I am all alone. I've been alone for the past 20 years. My love life, or lack thereof, has been nonexistent and my relationships beyond friendship have been nil. I spend most of my weekends alone while my roommates go out to enjoy their night. I'm not a heavy drinker. I indulge maybe once every month or so and most of my weekends are spent in the house or in the library to study. The library seems to have turned into my home away from home. If I'm not at home I'm probably there and rarely do I adventure outside of those two spheres.

I have very little friends. My phonebook in my cellphone may contain 30 or so names, but only 2 may actually call me from time to time. I don't have friends that "hang out" with or go to their houses when I'm bored. The only people I just chill with are my housemates. I have 2 really good friends. One I live with and the other goes to school about 2 hours south of me. The one I live with I consider to be my best friend here at school. The strange thing is he doesn't seem to reciprocate that feeling. That's probably because he has way more friends than I could imagine having and doesn't consider me his best friend, but rather a friend he lives with. My other best friend who I don't go to school with calls me about once every two weeks to actually talk to me and see what's going on. NO ONE ELSE DOES THAT (besides my mother). The only time people call me is if they want something from me, and my phone rings maybe once a week...

I've gotten involved with clubs to try and make friends and put myself out there, and I have. I've come to know a couple of the people in my club really well, but, I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, they never seem interested in doing anything with me or invite me anywhere with them. I don't go to parties often because I only become depressed. I'm a pretty open person, usually smiling and talkative but no one really talks to me. This just causes me to be depressed because I just assume I'm either a) uninteresting, b) ugly, c) uninteresting and ugly. I would open up the whole I'm not good looking book, but that's a whole other thread in itself.

I've come to terms that my future is probably going to repeat the past and I will just be a lonely fucking pathetic piece of shit without friends who just does nothing but study/work. I'll probably die alone.

You know what would be awesome? Just once I'd like to wake up, like my roommates do, next to someone. It seems like to me that would make me the happiest dude in the world, just to wake up next to a girl that enjoyed my company.

Anyway, that's my rant. My pathetic fucking lonely life.