I kind of know what you are going through. I've been considering suicide alot, but I've talked myself out of it for now. Im getting help, early stages. I hope to fuck it helps. Alot of what you said reminds me of me. Go see your doctor, get access to therapy, if there is a chance it can help then you need to go for it. That is what I am doing. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I owe it to my family to at least try to get better. Its scary, I know.

You want to scream and let off steam in the hope someone will notice and bring you on the path to wellbeing. You want to be saved. I know that feeling, trust me I do. However you have trouble telling people about it, you may feel weak in doing so, but you need to find someone you can talk to, someone you can trust, heck even if it is on here in order to find the strength to take further steps in finding help.