I'm going to kill myself. I'm narrowing down the possible methods to the most optimal (probably either chemical or by leaping off a tall structure), and after I've sufficiently confirmed its efficacy, I'll make a final plan.

I'm not saying that my pain is worse than anyone else's, but rather no one understands, and I don't understand what's wrong with me. I've been alone ever since I was a child, and I've just done nothing. I mean I just spend most of my time doing fucking nothing and letting my life go to waste. I have so few friends and professionally things are going to pot. All I can say is that I have my bachelor's. Nothing appears to be that bad to many people that don't understand what's going on because I essentially am being protected by others in my profession who were impressed with my performance early on, and I as so many other people I am able to live most of my days by myself without making significant connections with other people.

Other people around me are living life and making memories. I on the other hand just watch television or screw around on the internet almost every night, just like I've always done. Almost all the meals I've eaten in my life were eaten alone, and that hasn't changed.

I just can't stand feeling like an ostracized freak, and I know I will not be able to hold down a job and support myself. I'm taking anti-depressants, but they just aren't the solution since they don't attack the root of the problem.

I have such trouble expressing myself when it comes to this, so even though none of this might seem like a big deal, it has caused me pain for years upon years. I've been considering suicide ever since I was at least 12 or 13, and now it's just gotten to the point that I can't tolerate the way things are anymore and there seems to be no other solution.

I'm not even sure what the point of me posting this is. Nobody on here has the solution for me, but I suppose it's just that tonight was particularly difficult for me. I'm expecting a lot of people to come on here with acting as though they have the solution to all my problems, criticizing me for considering such an extreme course of action, or accusing me of just begging for attention. I don't expect to read anything helpful.