Thread: i feel bad for you son

just a slight problem

my girlfriend and i have been together 3 months, but we're in 'love', whatever that bizarre, abstract term means. last night, i left her house around 11:30, as she has to get up for an 8:00 class and i had to get up for work. around 12, she sends me a text message saying that she was invited out to a hookah bar with this guy, lets call him jorge, who she works with, and a group of his friends. jorge has expressed interest in dating her and sleeping with her, while we have been together. he has no regard for me. whenever ive met him, he wont look me in the eye.

gf told me if it made me uncomfortable then she wouldnt go, and i expressed that it would make me very uncomfortable as i do not trust jorge at all. she has gone out with work buddies before and ive been fine with that - even though she was jumped one time outside of a movie theater and beaten up, but thats another story.

i called her to talk to her about this, and she said she didn't want to not make friends because everyone associated her with being with her boyfriend all the time, i guess which is understandable, but her last boyfriend was a total dick that used to knock her around.

i told her that it was inevitable that i would end up needing someone more than they needed me, story of my life, that kind of thing, and that i was okay with her going out with people without me as long as it wasnt with jorge or his lackeys, as his lack of respect for me is abundant. we ended up squirling back and forth until she decided she wasnt going out.

but at the same time, i feel like a jerk. im just trying to protect her - and me, of course, and the 'unit' we have, but i still felt horrible, like i was holding her back.

that being said, i have no problem if people associate me with spending time with my gf constantly. i really do love her - once again, whatever that means - and she insists that she loves me and said that she wasn't going out because she knows it would hurt me.

did i do the right thing? i feel like a somewhat needy ponce, but she's not able to defend herself well, and if something were to have happened to her, i dont know how i would have handled it.

Defend herself from what? If you think this guy's dangerous, that's one thing. If you think he'll seduce her, that's another.

Although it doesn't sound like you "forbid" her, either way, so I'm not about to bust you on being a controlling jerk. The worst you are here is too insecure.

defend herself from unwanted advances. she has been phsyically overpowered before when she went out and i wasnt there.

she just told me that she did go out last night after lying to me on the phone after she told me she wouldnt go. after i spent an hour telling her how uncomfortable that would make me if she went out that late with a guy that has no regard for me or her.

i might break up with her.

You basically sent off a big ol' message that said "I'm insecure," and she picked it up and decided to go out anyhow. A better reaction would be "of course I don't care -- he'd be a good match for you." You would have seen a completely different reaction. Also, if you start viewing every guy as a possible perp, you're going to be living life paranoid and miserable. You don't want to do that. You also don't want to spend the time policing someone else. If y'all are "in love," she'll be with you regardless of who she goes out with.

The issue doesn't seem like it's that you don't trust jorge, but rather that you don't trust HER. So what if jorge wants to sleep with her and if he doesn't respect you? If she loves you and respects you, she won't sleep with jorge. And just because she got jumped once before (which is terrible and scary, don't get me wrong) doesn't mean it will happen every time she's alone around men. Men want to sleep with and date women. I'm sure jorge isn't the only one. I'm attracted to a couple of my friends girlfriends...does that mean I'm a potential rapist and a disrespectful ass too? You can't rush in and "protect" every time a guy expresses interest in your girlfriend. She's appealing - that's why YOU'RE with her after all, right?

You were a jerk, although you probably honestly didn't mean to be. You thought you really were protecting her, but did you ever stop to think maybe she already has a father and wants a boyfriend instead? You put her in a bad position - she wanted to go out, but if she went, that would leave you "disapproving", or she could go have fun and a life and lie to you which would also upset you. You put her in a lose/lose situation, which isn't helping her, supporting her, or protecting her in any way. She lied because she felt like she had no other options. She did, like telling you that your insecurities were clouding your judgement and she had every right to go out, even if a guy who is interested in her was going to be there, but I see it from her side too.

If you want to stay with her, give her the freedom to live her own life and the lying will probably stop.

its more than that. this guy has been texting her non-stop, even when we're together. and do you tell every girl you're attracted to how much you want to fuck them in front of their boyfriends? if so, kudos. you have a lot of balls.

she was physically abused by her last boyfriend. she was jumped because she broke up with him and started dating me. i wasnt there to help her. do you know what thats like? to get an 11:00 phone call asking to come over, weeping, and seeing bruises and cuts all up and her her stomach and arms?

i fucking hope not. there was not a goddamned thing i could do to help except make sure she gets to the emergency room.

there are other people at work that show an interest in her. she has gone out with them before. to movies, to dinner, and im fine with that. i really am. but not jorge. i really do trust her, although some of that has diminished since lying to me, but i do not trust him. hes a drinker, and hes a big talker. im not afraid of him seducing her, im afraid of something a little more heinous.

but thats just because ive gotten an 11:00 phone call before, and have had to drive to the ER at 5:00am because the pain is so much that she physically cringes when you try to touch her because it was my fault she got jumped in the first place.

she does have a father, but does that mean im not supposed to look out for her? do i just use her for casual and empty sex and leave emotionality out of it? thats what it sounds like im supposed to do. fuck her and just let her do her own thing, like im no part of her life.

and fuck yes im insecure. this is my first girlfriend in 5 years. the first one that has ever told me she loved me and seemed like she meant it. im not attractive. she is. everyone in the world has baby crushes on her, and i deal with that the best i can. im not bulky. im overweight. im balding. im only 21. of course im insecure.

Originally Posted by ollie cromwell

You basically sent off a big ol' message that said "I'm insecure," and she picked it up and decided to go out anyhow. A better reaction would be "of course I don't care -- he'd be a good match for you." You would have seen a completely different reaction. Also, if you start viewing every guy as a possible perp, you're going to be living life paranoid and miserable. You don't want to do that. You also don't want to spend the time policing someone else. If y'all are "in love," she'll be with you regardless of who she goes out with.

or if your comfortable with it something along the lines of "goa head i don't care WHO you hook up with."

hes right, totally different reactions.

jesus it just seems to me that a relationship should be more than mindless fucking but thanks guys A+++ would read

Originally Posted by Cryptic

The issue doesn't seem like it's that you don't trust jorge, but rather that you don't trust HER.

In a tl;dr thread, this pretty much what it boils down to.

What you n eed to do is realize that the incident with your girlfriend and her ex is an isolated case. The vast (97%) majority of men will not rape or beat up a girl, or have a forced make out session (not possible). Unless Jorge has acted in a way that hints he would do something like this should you be worried. That's right, unless you've seen him show a temper, get physical or violent with a girl, should you be worried. Otherwise it's a simple matter of trusting your girlfriend not to cheat on you. You do trust her right? That's all it comes down to.

continuing on -

she apologized and said it was a mistake and that it shouldnt have happened, and i was like, well yeah. and then i found a pack of smokes in her jacket - she used to be a smoker and apparently started up again after going out to the hookah bar after midnight. she promised not to hurt me like that again.

flash forward. she says that she wants wednesday night to just relax and unwind and catch up on sleep, and im okay with that. then she texts me from work and tells me that shes going over to troy's house with troy and george to watch a movie, and im okay with that. i just tell her to be safe and have fun. then she texts me at 1 and asks me if it would be okay if she spent the night, and i told her i would be uncomfortable with that. she then tells me that troy drove and didn't have enough gas to take her home, so she had to stay the night. i told her i would pick her up if she didn't want to stay, but troy refused to give me his address and told me he would take her home.

2 hours later, they did leave, and i felt incredibly frustrated at the situation. the next morning, i went over to her house to talk to her and his car was there. he stayed the night. the options were to stay the night at his house, or have her take him back and have him stay the night at her place. he was supposed to sleep in the garage, but halfway through the night, he went to sleep in the room across the hall from her bedroom. he then ate breakfast, watched tv with her mom, and just chilled out while i had a serious relationship talk with my lady friend in the front yard. i stressed how uncomfortable a situation like that made me, and how i didnt really want her to be spending the night at guys houses who i dont really know.

so i had him come out and asked him if he would have been okay if his ex spent the night at my house, and we said no. i asked him if he understood where i was coming from, and he said he did.

i felt bad about interfering, so my lady friend invited me to class with her. during the first class, troy calls. she can't pick up, as shes in class. im taking psyche notes for her. in the break between classes, he calls back and asks if he fucked things up between her and i. she says no. he asks if theyre ever going to be able to hang out again, and she says she doesnt know. then he asks if he could come over that night.

and im just flabbergasted

i find out that george left troy's after the movie, leaving them alone, and troy talked about what a shitty friend george was. how much trouble troy is in. how he didnt finish high school. and my lady isnt really talking, troy is just going on about how much his life sucks. he complains about his ex.

anyways, flash forward to last night. were in the middle of having sex on my floor when her phone goes off. its troy. 11:30. we finish, lie down in bed, i go put some laundry in, come back upstairs, lie down next to her, we both fall asleep. 12:20, troy calls again. she picks up, tells him shes at my house, and he wont stop talking about how much he misses his ex girlfiend.

then he calls AGAIN at 1:30, just to chat, and acts very surprised when he finds out shes still over at my house. when he finds out im here, he just asks her about work. shes calling in sick today because she doesnt want to work to close on fri, sat, sun at circuit city, as closing during liquidation entails staying there until 3:00am.

after that, he hangs up.

i also find out that my lady no longer likes jorge/george because of what troy said, not because of anything i said. and im a little offended. i feel like she should take slightly greater stock in what i said.

anyways, she said that she wont hang out with troy again. and i am just paranoid, but i dont like it when guys call my girlfriend at 11:30, 12:30, 1:30 and dont acknowledge i exist, even after meeting them.

wut should i do

Chill the fuck out and let this Troy guy be whiny and clingy until your girlfriend is bored of him.

But most importantly, chill the fuck out.

just to clarify, you would let your girlfriend just crash at a random guys house who youve never met before?

or you would be okay with a random guy staying at your girlfriends house?

Yes

Jem, are you currently in a relationship?

I think it's easier to say you would do one thing.

EDIT: I hate lurking PS. It's terrible for work.

Man. It sounds to me like this is a terribly unhealthy relationship that you have. I realize how easy it is to be infatuated ("in love") after three months, but with all this conflict between you two, it sure seems like maybe it's not meant to be.

You both sound like you have some growing up to do. My boyfriend and I were "in love" after three months (well moar liek after 3 days hehe), but we were both well-adjusted people who had been in enough previous relationships to know how to behave. There is a difference between instant connection and instant attraction - sometimes you get both, and sometimes you get one and think the other one exists just because of it. Maybe you really like this girl and to her it is normal to say "I love you" so early. You have insecurity issues (as you admit yourself), so hearing that from a woman's mouth is going to blind you more readily to any flaws you might have otherwise seen as dealbreakers (like a tendency to spend the night out with other men all the time).

I think it's absolutely silly that she's spending the night at other boys' houses. If I wanted to spend the night at another guy's house, it would never be someone that my boyfriend didn't know or wasn't comfortable with because I love and respect him. Furthermore, if I ended up crashing at some guy's house, it wouldn't bother him because he loves and respects me. I am not forbidden to do anything, but I also do not abuse that freedom and trust.

In other words, the dynamic has to kind of just exist. It can't be forced by one of you and not really be accepted by the other. You don't want to let go of this relationship because it validates you, and that is totally understandable. But it's also not a good enough reason to stick around.

I agree with sole.

Blonde box of rocks and I go on vacation without each other, go out without each other, and sleep at the houses of mutual friends without any issues. If she were doing something I might think was shady, she would tell me. If I were doing something she might think was shady, I would tell her (actually, I would lie and do it anyways but whatever.)

The issue is that you don't trust or respect each other enough to have a healthy relationship.

Also, girls can smell insecurity and it smells like shit.

Originally Posted by solecistic

Furthermore, if I ended up crashing at some guy's house, it wouldn't bother him because he loves and respects me.

Well, right. Why are you respectful enough to your boyfriend to make sure you wouldn't 'do those things that make him uncomfortable? Because he trusts and respects you. OP, you can't expect her to respect your mandates without showing her proper trust and respect. It's a simple equation. This seems entirely one sided in the amount of "good behaviour" you expect from her.

I wasn't going to say anything about the relationship not being healthy, because usually I get yelled at for saying things like that, but yeah.

Originally Posted by Atmosfear

The issue is that you don't trust or respect each other enough to have a healthy relationship.

Yeah.

Originally Posted by Atmosfear

Also, girls can smell insecurity and it smells like shit.

This too.

And Mal, no, I'm not, but I have been. Anyone I'm with has my trust. I've stayed at plenty of girls' houses -- in the same room no less -- without anything happening. Even when I'm not already in a relationship. There's no automatic leap from "staying over" to "having sex", for goodness sake.

You should be thinking of this two ways: 1, I respect her and trust her enough to not do anything illicit, and 2, she is already with you, in a strong and healthy relationship, so why would she want to do anything illicit? To be honest, in this situation (and I"ve been there) it hasn't even crossed my mind that she would do anything to break my trust, because it seems to me pointless to expect her to want to do so.

OP here

status update

actually pretty good. sunday will be 9 months. she went to a party with her ex-boyfriend, and he came on to her, but she pushed him off and slept in the bathroom. she does keep putting herself in situations where she will have to say no, but things have been very smooth. much to the advice in here.