A few months ago I posted here. I'd been have trouble with depression, and was on the brink of suicide at the end of last year. A few months of anti depressants seemed to be working. However last night it came back with a vengance. It is away now after some sleep but I fear that my depression can't be medicated away.

Why did it come back? I have an interview with a recruitment company tommorow. It is the first step in the process for a job I applied for. Good job in the IT sector, excellent money but...

I've been going over it in my head and it is really hard to explain and unless you have been through this you probably won't understand it, I can guess the kinds of responses I will get for this and should really post it else where as I fear I am in serious trouble.

I grew up in a single parent household in a deprived, run down part of a deprived run down town. I was raised on benefits, as were many of my friends. Few people in our street worked, and there were alot of alcoholics and drug abusers. I commited my first burglary at around the age of 8. Most of my childhood friends have been in jail for crimes ranging from serious assault, rape and attempted murder.

I was always assumed to turn out like them, having a single parent I was never supposed to acheive anything and be a druggy/alcoholic bum like most of the company I used to keep. However once I left high school I decided to distance myself from them and went to university, have a degree and have a post graduate qualification. I have acheived more now than any of them will ever acheive in their entire lifes, indeed more than most of the people in my town.

I was watching criminal minds the other night there and they always use quotes to begin and end it. One was to do with change, I cannot remember it exactly but it went along the lines of, change means we need to leave a part of ourselves behind, a little bit of us dies and no matter how great the change is, we will always grieve for the part of ourselves that we lose. It rang so true in my head.

I have always been below working class, lowest of the low. As soon as I get a job, I will go from that to middle class. I will change from a working class boy to a middle class man. I should be happy, my life is on the brink of something great...but I don't know if I can do it. I know alot of people will read this and think "ffs man, pull yourself together"...but you need to understand, the world I am about to enter is an alien world to me. I as I am just now does not belong in this world. The changes the career I am likely to take will bring will be so life changing, I am utterly terrified. I have colossal stage fright.

The reason alot of people in run down areas stay there is because the world of work, prosperity is alien to them and they are just scared to try. I differ from them in that I gave it a crack and it looks like it will pay off. Some people can manage it, my sister did, she got out. We are not all that strong though. Now I know why most of my pals didn't even try. We don't belong in that world and we are scared to change into people who do, because we will leave behind a large part of us. Being scum is part of your identity, and I already have a poorly defined ego that means I am a paranoid social leper, making this step means forging a new identity and I don't think I have the stomach for it...

Right now, I am ok, focusing on the positives to come out it. I was like this yesterday but then at night the depression crept back in and with it the fear, sense of hopelessness, self loathing and the overwhelming derise to die. I don't think I can be this person, middle class IT person with a good career, bright future and lots of cash. It is so fucking pathetic. However there is no way I will turn out like my old friends.

The anti depressants had been working but...I need to see someone, not a GP but a proper mental health specialist, I need to get at the root of what the fuck is wrong with me, what is stopping me from embracing such glorious change, most people in the gutter only dream of making a better life, I am on the brink of realising that and I am choking. Now I am petrified that I might get the job. I worry the depression will come back, full force and there is no way I could cope and no way I could get help since my weekdays would be spent working.

I try to tell myself that it will work out, just go with the flow, enjoy the ride and there are so many positives I can see in this but it doesn't seem to help, I feel trapped, isolated and worthless. I hate myself for being like this...I have alot to look forwrd to but I can't see most of it and what I can see just scares me. It is fucking shit. I know growing up isn't supposed to be easy but it shouldn't be this hard, it just shouldn't. Every time I get all energetic over a job opportunity, the depression always comes in at night and robs me of any hope.

I had a job a few months ago as a programmer but I fell apart, I actually ran away during a lunch break. My family was so dissapointed, but back then I couldn't tell them why, I couldn't tell them that I had a total emotional breakdown and severe panic attacks. I couldn't tell them that I was a freak...I have never been so miserable, I have never wanted to die so much in my entire life and in the end I just had to escape. I am not sure exactly why I felt this way, or indeed what exactly happened. I am so scared that I will get this job and the same thing will happen again. Howe the fuck am I supposed to make my way in the world when my life seems to be ruled by fear, when a fucking job makes me take panic attacks and freak the fuck out.

I fucking hate it, I want to be normal. Most people would be loving the opportunities I have and would take them in their stride, but not me, no, I drew the fucking short straw when it came to anything that matters. What point is there in being reasonably bright, a good learner when you are too petrified to do anything with it. I try to get angry, angry at myself and use it to push me into sucess but the fear is always stronger.

Want to know how I spent my new years eve? Lying on my bed in a pitch black room, staring at the ceiling, too scared to move and wishing I was dead. This isn't just nerves, it is overwhelming fear, that kind that makes suicide seem very viable, its so fucking crippling.

Sorry, I ranted on a bit, wallowing in self pity. I know that won't do me any good but...I don't know what to do and unless I get a clue soon, Im fucked, its game over for me.