I don't think what's hit you is depression, man -- I think it's fear. By the sound of it, you think so too.

And it's totally understandable. You said it yourself; what you're about to go and do will thrust you into an alien world. It'd be weird if you weren't a little scared. But you're not a little scared, you're scared shitless.

You're allowed to be.

Don't punish yourself. Help yourself. If helping yourself is hard, still don't punish yourself. Don't get angry at yourself. I think seeing someone is an excellent idea. If you're already being medicated and the meds have worked for a while I don't think there's any reason for you to be on anything else but seeing someone could make ALL the difference. Writing that out to us probably made a significant difference to your processes, and that was just anonymously pouring out your feelings to online strangers.

You're not going to die. Quit that. Quit saying it, quit legitimising it, quit everything-ing it. What a waste of rare opportunity if you do!

See someone. Don't just talk about it, do it. See someone even if they're garbage. Hell, even if it's just a friend.

And know that not everyone has awesome new years eves. I had a comparable NYE to you last year, and I'm not a freak... neither are you. I've got my shit to work through, so do you.

You know what the problem is. Now take real steps to fix it.