Thread: Just broke up with my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years. Why does it hurt so bad?

We were at the point in the relationship where it was all or nothing. And since she was my first and only girlfriend, I needed to move on. Also I've learned a lot about myselfand I feel that if we stayed together I would only hurt her more later.

I've thought about this and talked with my really good friends about it and it IS the right thing. I've decided that.
Why do I find myself feeling like this was such a bad idea when I know that if I somehow got back together with her I would end up feeling just as I did when I broke up with her.

It doesn't make sense and I'm not really sure how to handle it.

It's a matter of familiarity. Not only is she (I assume) your first reciprocal love, but you've spent a lot of time with her for a very long period of time. It hurts because you know nothing else but this girl. If your breakup was truly the right thing to do then you need to get back out there asap. Experience the world and all of the different kinds of people in it. Speaking from experience, it's the only cure.

Originally Posted by Mr. E

It's a matter of familiarity. Not only is she (I assume) your first reciprocal love, but you've spent a lot of time with her for a very long period of time. It hurts because you know nothing else but this girl. If your breakup was truly the right thing to do then you need to get back out there asap. Experience the world and all of the different kinds of people in it. Speaking from experience, it's the only cure.

Not really sure how to even go about meeting new people. But I'll try. Thanks.

Originally Posted by dudeman

It'll be alright champ. Walk it off. You'll be alright.
I suggest you don't become friends with her. Shit sucks.

Good to know. Thanks for the help.

beef is a moron and his analysis of the situation is retarded. Emotional responses to situations like breakups do not depend on whether you've convinced yourself it's the right thing. You did it, therefore it is the right thing. Beef, do you really think someone would break up with a partner of 4+ years if they weren't really convinced that it was the thing to do? Stupid.

You don't need soul-searching right now. Such things in times of sadness only lead to further misery. Like gina expertly advised, give yourself some time to be sad, and then kick yourself in the ass and move on. It'll suck, but things suck sometimes; that doesn't mean you should give up or doubt yourself.

Originally Posted by gwahir

You did it, therefore it is the right thing.

No. Just because you do it doesn't mean it's the right thing. He did it and therefore it's what he's got.

Originally Posted by Atomic

No. Just because you do it doesn't mean it's the right thing. He did it and therefore it's what he's got.

I should have said "you did it, and people don't break up with four year partners if everything's good and proper, so we can reasonably deduce that it was the right thing to do"; i just didn't think my logic was so impenetrable.

Yeah I read that into it but the plain text interpretation of it was some of that "If it feels good do it." nonsense. Or perhaps no grey areas or even black just white. And he may have done the right thing. I've done things that seemed "right" at the time but then look back and say "Well I was a real asshole for no reason." Even doing somethings by being the victim of indecision where I went along with something I didn't agree with. Sometimes choosing not to make a decision is the worst decision you can make.

It's good that he has friends he can trust though. Sometimes bouncing ideas off people that won't judge you helps a lot.

useful information

Strictly speaking, the reason it hurts so bad is because as social creatures we actually store information in a network of friends and family and, after 4 and a half years, you feel like you are not only cut off from her emotionally, but that you have lost a significant amount of knowledge that contributed to your usefulness to society and thus self-esteem.

By severing contact, you are effectively eliminating a portion (and based on length of time, probably a significant portion) of your knowledge, information, and resources. Every time you instinctively look to access those resources, you're reminded of a decision that you made to put you in that situation. Over time, you will figure out new ways to recover these lost data, whether it is by retaining them in other people in your social network or internally.

You're also admittedly entering unfamiliar territory ("I don't know how to meet new people"), which naturally causes anxiety for all but the strictest extroverts. This, too, subsides with enhanced familiarity. The people who seem to skate through these social situations are the people with the greatest amount of practice; it's learned behavior, and if you never try, you end up stuck in whatever replacement habit you develop.

If you were looking for advice: find your friends. Replace the things that you did with her with things to do with friends (be they old or new.) Introverts would probably call this "distracting yourself," but really what you are doing is repairing a hole in your social network. Only when you've fixed that emptiness can you begin to feel "whole" again, as well as truly contemplate any type of ongoing friendship with your ex-girlfriend.

But, since you chose to look for advice here, what you need to know is start going out more, being more social, and realizing that girls prize confidence above all else. Fake it till you make it.

Does that include a grey negarep from someone with red rep?

Originally Posted by Atmoscheer

Does that include a grey negarep from someone with red rep?

if you don't get this, you're doing something wrong

Originally Posted by Atmoscheer

useful information

Strictly speaking, the reason it hurts so bad is because as social creatures we actually store information in a network of friends and family and, after 4 and a half years, you feel like you are not only cut off from her emotionally, but that you have lost a significant amount of knowledge that contributed to your usefulness to society and thus self-esteem.

By severing contact, you are effectively eliminating a portion (and based on length of time, probably a significant portion) of your knowledge, information, and resources. Every time you instinctively look to access those resources, you're reminded of a decision that you made to put you in that situation. Over time, you will figure out new ways to recover these lost data, whether it is by retaining them in other people in your social network or internally.

You're also admittedly entering unfamiliar territory ("I don't know how to meet new people"), which naturally causes anxiety for all but the strictest extroverts. This, too, subsides with enhanced familiarity. The people who seem to skate through these social situations are the people with the greatest amount of practice; it's learned behavior, and if you never try, you end up stuck in whatever replacement habit you develop.

If you were looking for advice: find your friends. Replace the things that you did with her with things to do with friends (be they old or new.) Introverts would probably call this "distracting yourself," but really what you are doing is repairing a hole in your social network. Only when you've fixed that emptiness can you begin to feel "whole" again, as well as truly contemplate any type of ongoing friendship with your ex-girlfriend.

But, since you chose to look for advice here, what you need to know is start going out more, being more social, and realizing that girls prize confidence above all else. Fake it till you make it.

This sounds a lot like Dr Paul, who I was about to paraphrase myself.

Originally Posted by Atmoscheer

Fake it till you make it.

Then weep like a baby in front of her.

just negarepped beef

i dont justi tell myself how much of a thug i am i go out and prove it

i negarepped him too and considered banning him

i got negarapped for negarepping beef

i think this warrants an investigation as per section 3a code 4:2:05e of the atmosfear rulebook

check your rep I think you will find I have undone the damage