Roommate Issue

I live with 3 other girl roommates who have all lived at this place one year longer than I have. I answered their "looking for a roommate" ad on facebook and moved in last June. We get along just fine, and I'm actually quite close to one of them now but I have a couple issues.

About a month after I first moved in one of my roommates bought a cat. She did this without asking me. The other two roommates knew, but I was not informed. I just figured whatever, I just moved in, they probably just didn't think to mention the little Anne Frank kitty. It is in our lease that we can not have pets unless approved by the landlord (this feline is not). I have a niece that is allergic and therefore can't come over to my house. Plus I'm just not a cat person. I find them annoying and pissy animals, especially this one. It's no secret that I don't like the cat. It's snuck into my room on several occasions and ended up on top of my newt tank and I'm worried that the dumb shit is gonna knock the tank over effectively ruining my stuff and killing my newt. There's a whole list of other reasons it's a hassle that I won't even bother putting down.

Luckily the animal is gone for the summer, but it will be back in September and I need a way to like, I don't know, lay down ground rules or something. Like, cat only upstairs (where the cat's owner's room is). Or cat needs to get declawed. Or KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR DAMN CAT AND DON'T LEAVE IT AT THE HOUSE WHEN I'M THE ONLY ONE HOME FOR THE WEEKEND AND EXPECT ME TO TAKE CARE OF IT CAUSE I WON'T!

Second issue is having company over. They have a few friends that come over on a regular basis. That and they leave the connecting door to the neighbor's place (we live in a duplex) unlocked so the neighbors can come in if they want (They're friends with the neighbors, I don't really know them that well). They do this stuff without asking me and it upsets me. Especially when they get angry if I have a few friends over to hang out in the living room without asking them.

It just seems like a "You haven't lived here as long as us so you don't have as many rights" kind of a deal and it makes me angry. I've lived here for a year, I pay the same amount of rent, I have all the same rights they do.

What's the best way to go about discussing these issues with the roommates in your opinion?

I've lived in shared-living houses before with the cat issue twice and found roommates are usually pretty understanding and try to be accommodating with keeping their pets under control within reasonable limits (what you have posted sounds reasonable). Just talk to them about it frankly and let them you know don't mind that they have a cat, just that they respect your wishes and keep the cat out of your way.
I don't have any advice though for the duplex thing, that sounds like a pretty sucky double-standard but as long as you're living there I don't know what you could do other than try to talk to your roommates about your feelings. If it's that big of an issue, find another place to live I guess?

Seriously? Your niece can't come over and you don't shut your door so the cat gets in your room? How this is even an issue worthy of contemplation is beyond me~

Make them aware you don't want your neighbors to have free access to the house (make them knock), or put a lock and key on your room and be done with it.

Moving in with complete strangers and expecting everything to work out just fine is so dumb... I'm not even sure this warrants further conversation..

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Originally Posted by faesce

Seriously? Your niece can't come over and you don't shut your door so the cat gets in your room? How this is even an issue worthy of contemplation is beyond me

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I do close my door, but the doors suck and can be easily pushed open and locking the door has the opposite effect where the lock sticks and can sometimes take 5 minutes to open if you try and lock it. And as I said, its not just those two issues that bother me about the cat deal...

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Originally Posted by faesce

Moving in with complete strangers and expecting everything to work out just fine is so dumb... I'm not even sure this warrants further conversation..

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Sometimes moving in with strangers is the only option you have when you don't have a lot of friends available to room with and a limited amount you can spend on rent each month. I wasn't expecting it to be perfect, I was just looking for a little advice on how to deal with a few situations.

Get a new lock. Request your neighbors to knock before entering.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to be unhappy with the arrangements and goings on.

The best thing to do is to simply have it out with them - ask them what the rules are, for having guests and for allowing other people into the house, who looks after the cat etc. You don't have to make a big song and dance about it, but tell them you don't believe the current arrangement is fair and then tell them that you'd like to try to clarify the ground rules.

I've lived with many other people, and I've found that not setting the rules from the very beginning is the single biggest cause of an unhappy household, but that if you get to that stage, sitting down with them and hammering out an agreement is the best way to fix the problem.

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Originally Posted by MrShrike

I think it's perfectly reasonable to be unhappy with the arrangements and goings on.

The best thing to do is to simply have it out with them - ask them what the rules are, for having guests and for allowing other people into the house, who looks after the cat etc. You don't have to make a big song and dance about it, but tell them you don't believe the current arrangement is fair and then tell them that you'd like to try to clarify the ground rules.

I've lived with many other people, and I've found that not setting the rules from the very beginning is the single biggest cause of an unhappy household, but that if you get to that stage, sitting down with them and hammering out an agreement is the best way to fix the problem.

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lol

Um...so you moved into a place without knowledge of how the place operates? And you expect them to swap around status quo because you don't like it? Maybe you should have taken a better look around when you were answering the ad....

The animal was bought an entire month after she had moved in without them having consulted her. As a paying co-resident she should at least have been informed before the cat appeared. This case has nothing to do with prior household operations unless of course 'disregarding new members of the households needs' is one set in stone. It was both irresponsible and inconsiderate of her house-mates not to have even considered she may have objections. Neighbours waltzing in at their own accord is invading and something like an 'open house' should have been discussed with her at interview and obviously wasn't. "Do let people just walk around your property without letting you know?" isn't a standard question when you're looking for a place to live so she can hardly be blamed for not knowing to so-called status quo.

OP, Everyone needs to have their personal space and privacy respected. Talk to them. If these things make you uncomfortable now they're going to get worse in a hurry as the tension builds. You may have to move, and it will be a pain it the butt, but better to know now than later.

You have an incredibly self righteous point of view, Pogo. Demonizing the older tenants because of two minor issues described by somebody who isn't confident enough to speak up to her roommates and instead seeks help on an internet forum seems downright dumb!

If you feel as though having a cat and allowing friends entry to your house are major issues, I feel bad for when you actually experience real major issues. :) And before anybody quotes this and goes on the normal "you're arguing just to argue" rant, I don't condone getting a pet before consulting other tenants or disrespecting privacy, however this particular issue is idiotic because it stems more from the thread starter's lack of confidence than the roommate's decisions.

LOL.

Try to empathise a little, have you ever lived with strangers? The smallest things can become huge problems and raising the issues with your house-mate can do as much damage as good depending entirely on them. You wouldn't invite another tenant in to the house without telling the other members, you wouldn't walk in to your house-mates bedroom uninvited, these things are only small steps away if these smaller things are let to be thought of as 'ok'. They're criticised because they're in the wrong on both counts, probably not intentionally but facts are facts. If I were in her position I'd be pissed too but I'd get used to the cat and talk to my roomies about visitors. It's supposed to be her home now, I'd want to be comfortable too.
My advice was for her to talk to them. As for the rest, that was the gist of my post minus the OP bashing. I'm sure she's aware of how trivial the issues are in the grand scheme of things but they're important in her life right now and that's enough to warrant asking for help and opinions. It's PS, it's here for people to ask for help in, don't be surprised when people do.

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Originally Posted by Pogo

Try to empathise a little, have you ever lived with strangers? The smallest things can become huge problems and raising the issues with your house-mate can do as much damage as good depending entirely on them.

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Small issues blowing up + failure to properly communicate is not normal if you have halfway decent social skills.

I realize you're just trying to help and I agree with what you say, but I don't agree with the merit on which you base your help (that these are large issues and the other tenants are responsible--if the thread starter would've handled the problems properly this bottled anger wouldn't have even manifested in the first place).

And just so we're clear, real "major" issues in my opinion consist of things like roommates who have severe drug problems, do illegal things and involve you in them, or somehow ruin the quality of your life significantly.

I can understand where you're coming from, faesce, but those issues are nothing compared to the AIDS epidemic in Africa or the starvation in Ethiopia. We can sit and talk about how small certain problems are in comparison to other problems, but it does nothing except belittle someone's issues and isn't particularly helpful. But don't take that as an attack on you, I'm just trying to provide you with some perspective.

The OP may have screwed up by letting her issues get this far without being handled, but there isn't anything she can do about that at this point. The advice given ITT has basically been to talk about it with her roommates, and I agree. I would say that if she cannot tolerate a cat or she feels that getting a lock for her bedroom door are things she's completely unwilling/unable to do, she needs to find another place to live.

So there you go OP, have a little chat with your roomies is the general consensus. Sounds good to me :allecto:

I'm well aware of the fact that I need to discuss this with them. I was really just looking to see if anyone has had similar issues with their roommates and had a good way to go about it, making as little drama as possible. These aren't life changing problems, just something I was looking to try and take care of so I don't turn into the hermit roommate. I didn't mean for it to turn into a whole big debate, and I've never taken anything faesce says seriously, because he never seems to give genuine advice in PS anyway. His PS advice just seems to be a way to bitch about everyone.

Well I'll just have to try and talk it out with them but figure out the best method on my own. Thanks anyway guys.

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Originally Posted by solecistic

I can understand where you're coming from, faesce, but those issues are nothing compared to the AIDS epidemic in Africa or the starvation in Ethiopia. We can sit and talk about how small certain problems are in comparison to other problems, but it does nothing except belittle someone's issues and isn't particularly helpful. But don't take that as an attack on you, I'm just trying to provide you with some perspective.

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What does Africa have to do with a roommate situation? There's a certain level of context to all of this, and what I said (the list of things I feel would be considered "major problems") stays within it. AIDs and starvation on a national scale does not. You can't just take a random problem and compare it with ones relating to the situations and expect me to not call into question the context of the argument in the first place.

The reason I'm attempting to illustrate the "minor" versus "major" issue is because given the cards the thread starter was dealt, this is more of a problem that could've been prevented in the first place OR could be dealt with by the vast majority of people with more social skills than a five year old (and therefore not even worthy of a thread in the first place). Major issues are generally not (and would easily be warranted a thread). While this doesn't help answer the question delivered in the original post, it's worthy of conversation and I have every intention of mentioning and defending the point.

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Originally Posted by ViciousMentality

I'm well aware of the fact that I need to discuss this with them. I was really just looking to see if anyone has had similar issues with their roommates and had a good way to go about it, making as little drama as possible. These aren't life changing problems, just something I was looking to try and take care of so I don't turn into the hermit roommate. I didn't mean for it to turn into a whole big debate, and I've never taken anything faesce says seriously, because he never seems to give genuine advice in PS anyway. His PS advice just seems to be a way to bitch about everyone.

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My advice was genuine (put a lock on your door, talk to your roommates), as was my blame for the problem being initiated in the first place (your lack of authority to speak up). I'm not surprised you took offense to what I've said in this thread though. You strike me as that type of person.

Either way, you painted a ridiculous picture in the original post and somehow expected sympathy and guidance from responses. You received both from most people in this thread, but only the latter from me.

I'm closing this thread because the OP has received advice and it's just going to turn into a flame war from here.

If VM wishes it reopened for further posting about her problem(s), I'll honor that request. Until then, this needs to stop.