Girlfriend needs a break.

Kind of a rant...

So I can't really say I'm surprise, if I was I'd be an idiot. She was fed up with my drinking habits and says she wants us to move into separate places, still be friends, and maybe later on we can work on a relationship again. Can't say I blame her, truth be told and I agreed we should live separately and take a bit of a break.

However, what the hell does that mean exactly. She keeps giving me mixed signals like she wants to keep a semi-relationship going as in not go out and bang other people, but then talks on her facebook to some guy saying that she'll come visit him after Christmas.

Is it just an added 'fuck you'? 'We should still be friends and later on get back together... but in the meantime I'm going to go visit a bunch of guys'?

Reading it myself I sound like a bitter ex-boyfriend, but she made it seem like she genuinely wanted a relationship but just needed a space of her own(since we moved right from our parents into a place together) and for me to get my shit together.

She's still living at my(our?) place for a while and I don't really know how to treat her.

We've been dating for 4 years and I'm 23 now.

First off you need to work on yourself. Evaluate yourself and find out if what she's complaining about is real or her wanting to morph you into who she wants to be with. Going out with your friends and getting drunk is not good for a relationship. Not seeing your friends is also not good for a relationship. There's a fine line you have to play with on something like that. So objectively look at yourself, and don't lie to yourself.

Usually "I need a break" means "I want to fuck someone else but don't want to cheat on you and if it doesn't work out with this other dude I want you back." But this doesn't seem totally like that. But it does seem sort of like that.

You should tell her that you'd love to work on your relationship and yourself but relationships don't take breaks and that you won't be waiting if she decides she doesn't want the other guy.

If you discover that YOU want to stay in a relationship with her then quit drinking, get your act together, and be nice to her. If she likes how you've gotten your life on track and still wants to be in a relationship with you then at least you set up everything nicely. If not, then just keep together and look for a new girl.

If you don't want to be in a relationship with her then keep doing whatever you want to do, but taming your drinking habits would still be a healthy decision. Unless you meet a woman who likes to get as drunk as you as much as you do then you'll probably be alone for a long time.

Her actions on Facebook could mean anything. Shrug it off and don't let it get to you. Stop reading her signals they will confuse you. Just do what you think you should do for what you want in life.

You do sound somewhat bitter but who isn't after such a long relationship? Four years of your life is a significantly long time, and maybe you feel like failure but that is life and these are the lessons we learn. If you don't learn anything from this then you'll be doomed to repeat it with your next relationship and any after that.

If the property you two share is under your name you should find an appropriate time to discuss with the arrangements of her moving out. Be cordial but don't be a pushover. Be polite but I wouldn't give her any money. Do what you can to help her that doesn't strain your coffers or is beyond your expense.

Thanks for the replies. We talked it over a bit more and decided that we both didn't want to see other people but still agreed we need to get our own places and work on ourselves without worrying about each other so much.

We've basically lived together since not long after we started dating which was a problem(not the whole problem obviously, but a part of it). I'm keeping the apartment and she's going to live with her parents for a month or so until she saves enough to move out comfortably.

Thanks again guys, now I just need to work on drinking less and getting myself together. I also decided it was best not to mention the facebook situation since it's probably nothing like you said and would have caused more problems while solving nothing.

DELETE FACEBOOK
LAWYER UP
HIT THE GYM

if she says she doesn't want to see other people, what do you care if she visits some guy? girls can visit guys without fucking them

(if she DOES fuck him, then dump that shit and move the hell on slowly and painfully)

if she says clearly she doesn't want to see other people, believe her. and work on your goddamn drinking.

break her face

Drink more.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gwahir

if she says she doesn't want to see other people, what do you care if she visits some guy? girls can visit guys without fucking them

(if she DOES fuck him, then dump that shit and move the hell on slowly and painfully)

if she says clearly she doesn't want to see other people, believe her. and work on your goddamn drinking.

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Gwahir isn't exactly a reliable source on this, since his girlfriend has been "just visiting" other dudes for months in Amerikkka.

I mean you don't want to hear this but at 23 you are still kids. I look at my friends who got married in their early 20s and frankly, it's pathetic (even the ones who hadn't been together for 3-5 years before getting married.) The problem you have is that your lives are too wide open at that age to really understand what's important to you, and it's easy to be locked into a relationship as a constant in the uncertain "real world."

I don't think two people should be getting married until they have both established their career and family plans for themselves, and agree that their independent plans are synergistic or at least not mutually exclusive. That doesn't mean you can't get back together with her (one of my closest married friends got married at 30 and they had broken up/taken breaks 4 times over 6 years, and he by far has the most stable marriage of anyone I know.)

You have to be a whole, fulfilled person as an individual before you can expect to get (or give) anything meaningful out of your relationship. That isn't to say that you each need to be perfect, but you each need to be able to identify your shortcomings in the relationship and have the commitment to address them. If you have a drinking problem, get help. If she has 20 grand in credit card debt, cut up the cards (and probably get help.)

That said, the only way your break will be successful is if you both give it an honest shot. If one of you is miserable or resentful, it will ruin your relationship irreparably.

It may just be a kick up the ass for you. She hasn't said "lets have a 3 month break", just to come back to a relationship when it gets better.

But a break wont make it better, it will make it worse. You won't change your drinking habits, you'll settle down living apart and never want to get back together. If you want to maintain this relationship you need to tell her that a break is stupid and that you will work on your problems starting, not even immediately, start it freakin' yesterday.

If you dont want to work on your habits (which is fair enough) then she isnt the girl for you.