how to gently break up with a nice guy

I've been dating this guy (let's call him Daniel) for about 8 months. Daniel is a really nice person and a lot of people tell me how great we go together. We've never gotten into an argument. I genuinely like hanging out with him. The problem is that I'm just not sexually attracted to him anymore. We used to have sex all the time but in the past two months we've only had sex twice (and both times I wasn't really feeling it). Daniel is such a nice guy that he hasn't even mentioned to me how drastically different our sex life is now vs 8 months ago.

How do I let this guy down gently? Is saying "You're a great guy but I just don't feel sexually attracted to you anymore" good enough? Pretty much all my other boyfriends I've had to break up with were jerks and so I didn't mind being curt. It's not that I really want to be friends with Daniel (at least right now). I just don't want to completely break his heart and come off as an asshole. (Also we have a Phys Ed class together, so we'll have to see each other twice a week.)

8 months, depending on his mental age shouldn't be too long, or too serious. Better to do it now, rather than later(because that really sucks).

I don't know if you should say "I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore", because that WILL hurt a man's ego. Say something along the lines of; I don't want to get serious or I don't think our relationship is going to go much further, so I should just cut the cord now.

i am inclined to agree with VS that "i'm not attracted to you anymore" will hit him where it hurts unnecessarily.

you have to be clear that it's a breakup, without being curt. if he sees you as an asshole, then, well, you can't stop that. but it's better than you stringing him on. you just need to make it clear that you don't feel the same as you did and you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. he's a great guy, but you just aren't in it anymore.

however, the most important thing is that you're clear about the breakup, and if his heart is broken, there's nothing you can do. you can't make protecting his feelings your business because then you'll pussyfoot out of making a clean break, which is bad for both of you.

Is not being sexually attracted to him the only reason you want to break up with him? If so, have you considered analyzing the reasons you're not sexually attracted to him anymore and potentially working them?

Have you considered making an effort to revitalize your attraction to him, or at least talking with him about it before breaking it off in what you portray as an abrupt manner?

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Originally Posted by faesce

Is not being sexually attracted to him the only reason you want to break up with him? If so, have you considered analyzing the reasons you're not sexually attracted to him anymore and potentially working them?

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Not being sexually attracted to him anymore is the major issue but it most likely stems from other issues that relate to our personalities. I'm not interested in saving the relationship. If it's not working then it's not working. No point in stretching things out.

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Originally Posted by mutton

Have you considered making an effort to revitalize your attraction to him, or at least talking with him about it before breaking it off in what you portray as an abrupt manner?

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Things have been cooling down for at least 2 months. There's no way he hasn't noticed and frankly I'd be surprised if he didn't see this coming at all. I don't feel like this is abrupt and I don't know what talking with him about it before breaking it off will accomplish. The issues I'm having with him are mostly ingrained personality traits which are leaving me unsatisfied.

I think honesty is best policy.. If you just admit that you don't find him sexually attractive anymore then there's a chance you could still be friends. And if you make other excuses e.g 'I don't want a relationship right now' then it could have repercussions if you did meet somebody else.

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Originally Posted by Trottski

I think honesty is best policy.. If you just admit that you don't find him sexually attractive anymore then there's a chance you could still be friends. And if you make other excuses e.g 'I don't want a relationship right now' then it could have repercussions if you did meet somebody else.

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Yeah, you could still be friends but it will be a shitty friendship where he'll probably still have feeligns for you but resent you for ending the relationship for what could be perceived as (but kind of aren't) superficial reasons.

Seriously, do not use the phrase "I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore" or any variant. It won't ever come across as not being bitchy.

Just tell him that you don't see a future for your relationship and you feel things are running out of steam. Say you've been feeling this way for a while now and, while it's a shame things haven't worked out, it's better to end things now than carry on being stuck in a rut.

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Originally Posted by simonj

Seriously, do not use the phrase "I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore" or any variant. It won't ever come across as not being bitchy.

Just tell him that you don't see a future for your relationship and you feel things are running out of steam. Say you've been feeling this way for a while now and, while it's a shame things haven't worked out, it's better to end things now than carry on being stuck in a rut.

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This.

If it's not working, it's not working. No point in forcing a square peg into a star-shaped hole.

KT, you admitting you just don't see a future *is* the most honest thing you can do, and it's quite mentally mature of you. That's not what people generally want to hear when in a relationship, but it saves you from all the BS excuses that don't do anyone good. One time a guy broke up with me over text message, citing "he wanted to focus on his career." I would have had respect for him if he was just honest instead of saying that. And then there's the matter of a text, but we don't have to get into that.

If he's the nice guy you say he is, he should hopefully understand, and you'd at least have a drama-free break-up. No one likes breaking up, but he's a big boy. He'll get over it.

Alright thanks guys. I appreciate the advice.

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Originally Posted by gina

No point in forcing a square peg into a star-shaped hole.

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I've had some fun trying to fit my round peg into a few star-shaped holes

I support the Nada Surf approach, even though I rarely use it myself:

Three important rules for breaking up
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time,
And haven't been too serious,
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you're honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he'll appreciate the kind of straight forward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a cry baby you will remain friends

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Atmosfear

I support the Nada Surf approach, even though I rarely use it myself:

Three important rules for breaking up
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time,
And haven't been too serious,
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you're honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he'll appreciate the kind of straight forward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a cry baby you will remain friends

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Which is to say, go with simonj's advice

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Atmosfear

I support the Nada Surf approach, even though I rarely use it myself:

Three important rules for breaking up
Don't put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don't make a big production
Don't make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you've gone together for only a short time,
And haven't been too serious,
There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you're honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he'll appreciate the kind of straight forward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he's a real jerk or a cry baby you will remain friends

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I think this is good advice and just wanted to support this via quoting it.

I don't think you should tell him you're not sexually attracted to him anymore. I think maybe you should just let him know that you guys had a good run, but it's just not there anymore.

Told him things weren't working out and we didn't have the right sort of chemistry.

Things went better than expected.

That's good. Better for things to suck temporarily than bring in a helluva lot of unnecessary drama. Sorry things didn't work out between you guys, though.

I guess the real measure of break-up success is if I ever get my Uncharted game back

that's the worst part of breaking up, getting Uncharted back

I'm still waiting for my hello kitty pillow case from the last boyfriend.


MODS: you can go ahead and close this thread before it turns completely off topic.