Dream Last Night...

Hi guys.

Basically, I've been in love with a girl for going on 9 years now(Christ, longer than I thought...). I often have dreams about her but last night was different.
Usually the dreams are about being with her, hanging out with her, dating her, sometimes she's with other people (much to my distaste).
Last night though was a first. We were in a club and I started chatting up Kate from Lost (awesomely I might add), then suddenly I see this girl watching me from accross the room, tearing up. She sees me noticing her and she runs off. I get up and chase after her, jumping through a bush and a wooden fence on the way (I don't know why, maybe it shows my willingness to do literally anything for this girl). Upon catching up with her I ask her why she is crying and she said he didn't like seeing me with another girl.
This is odd because I know she has, nor has ever had, no interest in me romantically, although we are good friends.

Going back to the dream, after she said that, I kind of broke down and just said how I had pined for her for so long and how I had hurt, cried, longed for her for so many years etc blah blah. Then I said something I've never said in a dream.
"I need to get over you, I need to move on, otherwise I will go mad."
I then joked about unless she has changed her opinions about her feelings, which of course she hadn't. It was about this time I woke up.


This has kind of shaken me, because I have long known what I said in the dream to be true, although I do my know how to achieve this. But hearing it in a dream...saying it to her...it was almost like my subconscious had given in finally to the inevitable.

It hasn't really changed anything but...you know.

I don't know what I'm looking for from you guys, as I guess this dream is fairly self explanitary (unless you guys have picked up on something I haven't). I'm just venting and opinions would be nice. Would be nice to talk about this.

Although I do not know how to achieve this*

This sounds like the first step. I know you can do it.

It's either tell her how you feel, she rejects you, and that sucks, or she accepts it, and that's awesome. Or, you don't tell her anything, and that sucks.

You have a 1/3 chance for it to not suck.

Told her years ago. She doesn't feel the same.

Well, that sucks. You've been "friendzoned", I hate that phrase. I know she's the one you like, but pining over someone for years, and it being unrequited, sucks. The only thing you can do is to get over it. Get out into the world and find someone, maybe your friend can help you out.

the smart thing to do is cut off contact with her. but you probably won't do that. so the next best thing is decide to stop taking this bullshit from your own brain.

get over this girl. she doesn't care about seeing you with other girls -- that's just your stupid fantasy. if she DID care, but she didn't want you, she'd only care because knowing you loved her was a self-esteem boost for her, which is ratshit behaviour anyway.

get over this girl. make the decision. date and fuck other girls until it happens. then keep dating and fucking other girls.

i once had a dream about a girl i was in love with who didn't return my feelings. it was a similar kind of fantasy. it shook me up HARD because i let myself believe it might be true.

it's not true. your dreams don't have any basis in truth, and there is no symbolism. you had a fantasy, it showed up in your dream. end of story.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by gwahir

it's not true. your dreams don't have any basis in truth, and there is no symbolism. you had a fantasy, it showed up in your dream. end of story.

---

This.

Dreams have no purpose in a court of public support. They are, at-best, worthless projections. Deconstructing dreams makes for good fiction (sometimes) but it doesn't make for quality real-world analysis. Sorry.

Not even subconsciously?

subconsciously what? they don't MEAN anything. they are a product of your mind, so, stuff you've been thinking about or dealing with might project itself during your sleep, but you won't get special dream-wisdom out of it. dreams are what happens when your imagination runs off on its own without a conscious self to rein it in. it's random and meaningless. it's not your subconsious TALKING to you, it's your subconscious... clearing its cache.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by gwahir

it's your subconscious... clearing its cache.

---

Our general point is the same but I would've used the phrase defragmenting.

hah, yeah, that's probably better.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rick Scarf

Our general point is the same but I would've used the phrase defragmenting.

---

Actually, "clearing its cache" may currently be considered the most ideal way to put it.

I disagree. My dreams, for instance, have had relevance to my own feelings and emotions.

In this case, the OP's dream was a fantasy about something that seems to have been close to the surface, something he has been somewhat aware of.

Yeah, certain neurological theories behind dreams have been explained to the public as "clearing the brain's cache" of incompletely processed sensory data or incomplete ideas (so the "clearing the cache" analogy is more apt). Other proposed neurological theories talk about dreams as a way to store memories or learned knowledge, since it's been shown having a good night's sleep after learning something increases retention of that newly learned knowledge. However, none of these theories exclude the possibility that the content of dreams cannot teach us something about our emotional state. Actually, this possibility isn't ruled out, since dreams deal with processing information or with somehow playing out information to be purged.

Granted, I am wary of personifying one's unconsciousness by stating things like "my unconscious mind is telling me something." Also yes, in the past people thought that dreams were somehow messages from the divine or the spirit world or whatever. And finally dream interpretation sounds like something which is for people who consult their newpaper's horoscope or use fortune teller hotlines. But just because soothesayers can't predict the future from a king's dream doesn't mean that the content of dreams has no useful information.


And anyway, to the OP: regardless of why you had this particular intense experience from your dream, it seems to have brought something to the surface which you either were suppressing or were only partly aware. Your awareness of what you need is all that matters, and it sounds like you know that you should start the process of moving on with your life.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by gwahir

the smart thing to do is cut off contact with her. but you probably won't do that. so the next best thing is decide to stop taking this bullshit from your own brain.

get over this girl. she doesn't care about seeing you with other girls -- that's just your stupid fantasy. if she DID care, but she didn't want you, she'd only care because knowing you loved her was a self-esteem boost for her, which is ratshit behaviour anyway.

get over this girl. make the decision. date and fuck other girls until it happens. then keep dating and fucking other girls.

---

I know that your over-weening arrogance makes it difficult for you to critically interpret text, but actual the OP's dream was telling him that he had to move on and stop pining over this particular girl.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by sycld

I know that your over-weening arrogance makes it difficult for you to critically interpret text, but actual the OP's dream was telling him that he had to move on and stop pining over this particular girl.

---

welcome back. i know you have complex feelings towards me sycld but contain your anger in PS threads for heaven's sake

the part that's his fantasy is her hating to see him with another girl. that's pure fantasy. yes, dream-he was saying he needs to stop pining over her, but without actually making that decision (in an awake, self-conscious state, not a dream state), nothing is going to happen.

for the record, i don't disagree that our dreams can tell us about our emotional states. what i/we said was that there is no external wisdom to be gained from dreams. it's tempting to think "she had feelings for me in my dream, so my unconscious mind is telling me that she has feelings for me", but that's complete rubbish. THAT is what we were saying.

Ysy, Sycld's back!

I'm not really sure how to offer advice in this thread, I've never really had dreams about girls I've been infatuated with. What is obvious is that a relationship with this girl is never going to happen so you need to get over her as quikly as possible.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by gwahir

for the record, i don't disagree that our dreams can tell us about our emotional states. what i/we said was that there is no external wisdom to be gained from dreams. it's tempting to think "she had feelings for me in my dream, so my unconscious mind is telling me that she has feelings for me", but that's complete rubbish. THAT is what we were saying.

---

Precisely, everything you know or discover in a dream is something you've already known.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TheOriginalGrumpySpy

Precisely, everything you know or discover in a dream is something you've already known.

---

(or made up as a fantasy.)

seriously, this cannot be reinforced enough. the relation to the OP's position is more important than the metaphysics (heh) of dreams, and the most important thing for him to hear and tell himself is that this girl is never going to return his feelings and he needs to move on.

Thanks for all this input guys, but again, I'd like to point out, I do know what the situation is, I am quite clear on that. She isn't going to return my feelings. I need to move on. I've been aware of this for years.

Knowing the situation doesn't automatically turn my feelings off, as much as I wish it would.
There isn't some switch I can flick and I stop feeling what I do for her, as much as I would like there to be.

So advice like "the most important thing for him to hear and tell himself is that this girl is never going to return his feelings and he needs to move on." is all very well and true, but I already know this too well.
The problem is how to move on, and I was asking whether you guys thought that the dream could be a sign of my subconscious starting to move on?

The best way to move on is to cut contact completely for a while and find other things to fill your time with. It will leave a bit of a void in your life, but you'll find something else to replace it soon enough. If you're in regular contact with her, find something else to do instead of talking to her. Your best bet is really just getting involved with other things and letting this go as much as you can. Take up a new hobby or sport, make some new friends and spend time with them. Or reconnect with old friends or something.

Defriend her from Facebook so you aren't tempted to see what she's up to.

Guys can we stop pretending that cutting someone out from your social circle is as easy as "not seeing her anymore" or "defriending her from facebook". It's not going to help him because real life doesn't really work that way.

She's probably someone he sees all the time. Sometimes you're infatuated with people you see all the time and nothing is ever going to happen. Cutting those people out of your lives isn't the healthy way to get over it at all. Moving on is a difficult, painful process that involves focusing on other things and shifting your perceptions. Not just "I can't be with that person so I'll just have to not be their friend forever, even though we share a social circle which, thanks to technology, is all encompassing."

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by simonj

Guys can we stop pretending that cutting someone out from your social circle is as easy as "not seeing her anymore" or "defriending her from facebook". It's not going to help him because real life doesn't really work that way.

She's probably someone he sees all the time. Sometimes you're infatuated with people you see all the time and nothing is ever going to happen. Cutting those people out of your lives isn't the healthy way to get over it at all. Moving on is a difficult, painful process that involves focusing on other things and shifting your perceptions. Not just "I can't be with that person so I'll just have to not be their friend forever, even though we share a social circle which, thanks to technology, is all encompassing."

---

This is a very meaningful reply.

True, cutting someone out of your life twenty years ago was probably a hell of a lot easier. But now everyone is a click away. Even if you can avoid her. Can you avoid her friends? Or other constant reminders (electronic and living) that she exists and is probably not thinking about you all that much? Probably not.

Find other things to fill your time as has been said time and time again. You know what I did? I dabbled in some silly and awesome art projects. I read way more than I used to. I consistently tried to get my friends to come out with me even if was inconvenient. Do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, other than brood.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Anonymous

The problem is how to move on, and I was asking whether you guys thought that the dream could be a sign of my subconscious starting to move on?

---

i guess, if that's a way you like to think of it. i'd say it's more of your mind revealing to you that part of you still holds out hope that she has feelings for you...

i'm sorry to say that moving on isn't exactly something you DO. it's something that happens while you're doing other things. think about other girls, try to distance yourself from her as much as possible, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, stay honest with yourself.

do you find yourself, just a tiny bit, deep down, hoping/thinking that there's a chance she'll return your feelings? i know the answer, it's yes. everyone does with a crush. that doesn't make you bad or stupid. acknowledge it when you feel it, and, just as vitally, respond to it with a firm self-reminder that it's not going to happen. then occupy yourself with something or other. then go out with other girls. a lot.

i keep repeating the same thing because the most important step in getting over someone is making the decision to do so. finally and thoroughly. it's incredibly hard to do, and you can't do it on a whim, but once you've done it, the hardest work is done. then you just have to maintain the decision (see the paragraph above).

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by gwahir

i guess, if that's a way you like to think of it. i'd say it's more of your mind revealing to you that part of you still holds out hope that she has feelings for you...

i'm sorry to say that moving on isn't exactly something you DO. it's something that happens while you're doing other things. think about other girls, try to distance yourself from her as much as possible, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, stay honest with yourself.

do you find yourself, just a tiny bit, deep down, hoping/thinking that there's a chance she'll return your feelings? i know the answer, it's yes. everyone does with a crush. that doesn't make you bad or stupid. acknowledge it when you feel it, and, just as vitally, respond to it with a firm self-reminder that it's not going to happen. then occupy yourself with something or other. then go out with other girls. a lot.

i keep repeating the same thing because the most important step in getting over someone is making the decision to do so. finally and thoroughly. it's incredibly hard to do, and you can't do it on a whim, but once you've done it, the hardest work is done. then you just have to maintain the decision (see the paragraph above).

---

well yes, of course, part of me still hopes that.
I know that it isn't going to happen though, and that she does not feel that way.

I guess I just keep on doing what I'm doing then.