what if i can never close the door?

hi again guys

it's not that i love posting in PS, but i can't say certain things to my actual friends without them saying annoying cliches and hurriedly attempting patchwork reassurance.

anyway.

the recent mad men finale has a character with severe depression go in for electro shock therapy because it's the only thing that can give her peace -- in her words, "i feel this door open, and i want to walk through it." she's talking about suicide. it's actually an absolutely perfect metaphor to describe how i've felt for the last year or more. it's the feeling that this is an option. i could do this. and afterwards, i might not be happy, but i sure wouldn't be miserable.

now, i don't always want to walk through that door, though i have spent months at a time wanting it. i don't really want to right now. but the door's open. i can't logic it away. i can't dismiss it as emotion because it's a position i arrived at so naturally and rationally over a period of years. i can't can't take the option off the table.

what if i never can? am i just standing at the threshold, waiting for a moment of sufficient weakness (or misery) when i decide to walk through? it makes me feel like i'm on borrowed time. in the short term it's not like i'm worried that i'm going to jump off a building like my friend two years ago. it's the long term; i don't know if i'll always decide not to do it.

any insight? it was good to put this thought to words, anyway.

try to put your life in perspective.
sure, you may not be happy, you may not have a great love of your life or be doing exactly what you want in life (i have no idea about your personal life/career tbh) or anything else that seems to be the bane of your existence at the moment.
but lots of people have it far worse. you have a place to live, sleep, food.

killing yourself over minor things such as the things that are currently making yourself miserable is a fucking poor excuse to quit life. sure, you're not happy. try to accept it and deal with it. things might not always be this shit. if you kill yourself there is no chance of it being good at any point in the future. sure, it won't be bad like it is now, but you're missing out on possible happiness.

and again, while life is shit from your perspective most of the time (i'm also speaking from personal experience here fyi), you have it endlessly better than millions of people, and killing yourself over minor things is fucking weak.
i use minor loosely, because i know that to you they are not minor at all, i'm sure, but in the grand scheme of things, they are.

i know this sounds like a massive cliche (should have just gone to your friends (lol no i know you can't, been in that same situation also)), but it's just true i'm afraid. it may not make you feel better, or make things seem better or anything but hopefully it will help you realise that killing yourself in your position is a bad/weak decision.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by gwahir

the recent mad men finale has a character with severe depression go in for electro shock therapy because it's the only thing that can give her peace -- in her words, "i feel this door open, and i want to walk through it." she's talking about suicide. it's actually an absolutely perfect metaphor to describe how i've felt for the last year or more. it's the feeling that this is an option. i could do this. and afterwards, i might not be happy, but i sure wouldn't be miserable.

---

What do you mean by 'afterwards'?

Your priority is to remove misery over acquiring happiness only when the misery is overwhelming. But you know to think long-term about the potential overall misery and happiness in your life, not to mention other things you value that will increase with your lifespan. This is obviously impossible to predict, and that's the point—the scope of your decision is much bigger than any given moment. I am not saying you have so much to live for; the decision is so complex that it can consume you enough to stall indefinitely.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by gwahir

now, i don't always want to walk through that door, though i have spent months at a time wanting it. i don't really want to right now. but the door's open. i can't logic it away. i can't dismiss it as emotion because it's a position i arrived at so naturally and rationally over a period of years. i can't can't take the option off the table.

---

There's no need to reason the door close, and there's nothing logically stopping you or anyone else from walking through the door at any time. Your very struggle with this is an emotional issue; the door being open isn't because of emotion, but the way to close it would be emotionally... maybe not at your current state, but do you get the distinction?

Also, don't dismiss an option just because it's emotion-based.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by gwahir

what if i never can? am i just standing at the threshold, waiting for a moment of sufficient weakness (or misery) when i decide to walk through? it makes me feel like i'm on borrowed time. in the short term it's not like i'm worried that i'm going to jump off a building like my friend two years ago. it's the long term; i don't know if i'll always decide not to do it.

---

This suggests you are very reluctant to go through with it. Likely, you will keep this mindset.

The threshold isn't static, and neither is your perception of the threshold.

Would you rather be someone who never thinks about his threshold, and suddenly becomes sufficiently weak and miserable?

Ask yourself what you ultimately see yourself doing in life, then bust your balls to get it. A part I left out of my "back from college" thread was that towards the end of my junior year, I was in the psych ward of a hospital for 5 days because I had attempted suicide in my dorm. I not only know what you're feeling, but I know what it's like when you try to walk through that door.

It's a little more than a year later, and after some counseling and some intense self reflecting, it's a decision I couldn't ever fathom of making again. I decided what I wanted to do with my life when I was locked in the psych ward, and I put it into action. Every day I strive to grow musically. I decided I would be the best damn musician I could be, and I'm not doing too bad. I'll spare my details, but I managed to overcome a lot within a year. If you haven't gotten to the point where you've tried it yet, I would suggest a professional counselor as soon as you can get to one. They're great at helping you talk yourself into your best self. I finally realized WHO I wanted to be while at college instead of going through each day just doing whatever my schedule had me do.

If you really want to talk about some of the breakthroughs I had in counseling, I'd be happy to share. But seriously, if you're telling us you have suicidal thoughts, get help. No one on the internet is going to have the answer you're looking for. Find a professional to talk to. A great one won't tell you the answer, but help you find the answer you're looking for yourself.

Well, I can't tell you anything that will help you "close the door," since I that door is wide, wide open and trying to suck me in.

I doubt that it's a surprise to many that I struggle with suicidal thoughts. It's become a daily routine for me: I feel spikes of emotional pain, and it inevitably leads to thoughts about the very many ways I can do it (I have 24 hours access to a physical sciences lab after all) and how I would stage it. The dialogue is down pat in my head. I don't know, however, if I could easily state it, at least not without thinking about it, since it's something that's so incredibly taboo it's hard to be completely honest about it. I reflexively censor myself, though it's a reflex I'm getting better and better at overcoming.


So... what should I say to make it better for you? Or what should I say at all?

Well first: why am I not dead yet? The only thing keeping me alive are my parents. Of that I'm moderately certain. There's also the existential anxiety over actually CHOOSING to not be anymore. It would be different if death were inevitable at some certain point in the near future, as I still have my self-preservation instinct.

So you use the Mad Men analogy about an open doorway. My analogy is the "call": it's a voice that's constantly calling me to end it whenever I experience a moment of vulnerability. Another analogy I like to use is stretching the definition of "psychological morbidity." This term means being a state of psychological NON-well being. To me, it's being dead, or literally nonexxistent, inside while physically being whole and alive. I feel like my spirit, or whatever analogue you like, is murdered everyday, even while I still am whole and even fairly healthy physically. And thus, I feel like there's an impulse to make my physical state match the state of my spirit.


What I cannot tolerate anymore is rejection and being made ashamed of myself. I feel it all the time, but frankly it's too much right now to go into too many details. All I can say is that I am never good enough: I'm either UGLY, or STUPID, or LAZY, EMOTIONALLY ROBOTIC AND UNREAL, or WHATEVER. Being UGLY is a big one for me: I'm big on physical appearance, as is the gay community, and I'm devastated when I feel I'm rejected because of it. But regardless of the reason, I feel like people around me push me away, avoid me, or outright degrade me because they detect that I'm worse than them.

I only have two friends (one of whom is over an hour away). They are mostly sympathetic, but sometimes I feel like they misunderstand my intentions. My parents are there for me, but they can't accept that I'm gay, and given that my social life now more or less revolves around being gay, I can't be honest with many of my most difficult emotional struggles.


I can easily (maybe over-simply) explain why I'm in this state: the main two reasons are genetics and being gay. Mental illness runs in my family. It used to be a secret, until I expressed frankly how utterly devastated I was. Then I suddenly learned my dad experienced much of what I did.

Of course, he was straight, so things were relatively amplified for me, given that I was raised in an atmosphere that accepted almost EVERYTHING else BUT homosexuality.


I doubt that any of this helps you, but it might help me.

heh. it helps.

if nothing else, it's helpful hearing other people's responses and what they're going through. as you say, the topic is incredibly stigmatic and having open conversations about it is pretty intensely liberating.

it's so easy to look at someone else in the same situation and think "what are you even thinking? it gets better. don't do it. the world would prefer to have you around" but impossible to feel it for yourself.

i guess what's getting me through this -- and the irony isn't lost on me -- is faith. i don't FEEL it'll get better. all the evidence i can see points at me being like this for the rest of my life (however long that is). but i just... i just tell myself it'll be better. i can work to make it better. i don't have to feel it, i don't have to believe it, i just have to be patient enough to stick it out. i'll lean hard on my friends if i have to (i don't feel as attached to my family as i wish i did). i would say to you, make connections. it doesn't matter where. support group. science club. local theatre troupe. make connections. you need them, and they're worth the effort and discomfort of going out looking for them.

i "came out" about some of this stuff to a lot of my friends recently, where before only two or three knew what i was feeling. it felt pretty good. and, as i wrote at the end, i'm not at real risk of going anywhere very soon, as i need to stick around long enough to find out how game of thrones ends.

Give it more time. That door will close.

Get yourself a goal and work towards that goal. Learn a new language. Run a marathon.

say what you want when you want. if anybody doesn't like it push them out of the way. they are not worth your time. keep on moving; don't let the jealous and petty hold you back.