Been writing the past few weeks, and now you guys can read them. I'm not happy with any of them, but whatever, maybe they'll speak to someone.
This Time
I pray to some god,
To move on,
Just once,
But we're all,
Moving on, this time.
Just pass me over,
This time.
Spare me your judgement,
And move on, this time
Looking back,
On all that's passed.
It's too late,
Too late for me.
Try to take back what I'm owed,
But I return with nothing.
Call it Karma,
Call it what you will,
I call it bullshit,
What have I done,
To deserve all of this?
Blame God,
And live sheltered,
Like a moron.
There's no second chance,
Or payback.
Live once,
And move on...
This time.
Live a life of regret,
For everyone of your actions,
Living multiple lives,
And every one of them sucks.
So play God,
And move on,
This time.
I think God,
Has moved on,
And abandoned,
His flock.
Mo(u)rning
First thing in the morning,
Disappointment is what I see.
My reflection shows me for what I am:
A failure,
A waste.
The man I could've, should've, would've been,
No longer stares back at me,
Only a hollow shell,
Of loathing,
And regret.
Where did I go wrong?
Endless potential,
All pissed into the wind.
There's too many things I'd do differently,
If I only had a second chance,
But we're only afforded one,
And I fucked it all up.
I'm smart enough to know,
But not smart enough to fix it.
Too broke to pursue my dreams,
Too fucked up to fix it.
Had a track record for greatness,
Traded it in for track marks,
And a criminal record.
All the friends I have hurt,
And brought to my level,
All the lies and deceit,
That run my relationships.
I ruin everyone who comes close to me;
My sister, and the pain she caused my family,
Started with me.
My best friend's handicap, was my fault.
The vision of perfection I saw,
That is the mother of my child,
Would have been better off had we never met,
Her family,
Her friends,
Would not hate her,
I corrupted her wholly.
My friends,
My lovers,
My family,
Would not have the scars,
Would not bear the cross,
Would not have to pick up the pieces,
If not for me.
I'm selfish as fuck,
For not taking my life,
For not ending the misery I bring.
I am a horseman,
And destruction lies in my wake.
I should change my name to Pestilence,
To warn everyone of the carnage I'll bring.
I'm a waste,
A failure,
And I'm only successful at bringing you down with me.
There
What kind of man will I show my child?
Will they know someone they can look up to,
Someone they can admire,
A role model, someone they want to grow up to be?
Or will they hate me?
Someone who they wish was never in their life,
A person they'd rather not talk about?
Will I be like my father,
And not be on speaking terms with a child of mine,
For the first 18 years?
Until I speak without thinking,
And wind up on the ground,
My child standing over me,
Daring me to open my mouth?
I wish I could sail into the setting sun,
And never have to know.
But I will not be an unknown entity,
I won't be a donor of seed,
And not share responsibility.
Though children have made me uncomfortable,
For as long as I can remember,
Soon I'll be a father,
And have my offspring making me uncomfortable.
I am not confident that I will be a good father,
I only hope I don't fuck them up as bad as I am.
Will my child know the real me,
Or will I pretend I'm a better man than I really am?
