Bisexual and don't know how to ask guys out

I realized a couple years ago I'm bi (I'm male if you couldn't figure by the title). I've heard of "gaydar" of course but I guess I don't have it because I just found out after 4 months that one certain guy at my work is gay. He's with someone and I'm not attracted to him like that anyhow but how do you know if other guys are gay or bi unless you know they've dated guys before or meet them somewhere that's specific to being gay like a pride rally or gay bar? And even that's not for sure because straight allies go to that stuff too.

I just don't want to get my ass kicked if I hit on a guy or ask him out and he's not gay and worse, homophobic. I mean I could take if I just called it wrong and asked out a straight guy who was cool about just saying no, that he's not gay, but I don't want to put my safety at risk, but I don't want to just wait to be asked out all the time either.

I know there are a few bi or gay guys on here besides me so how do you tell or how do you find out?

I'm sure sycld can help you out here. I'm bi myself, though, so I'll give it a shot.

Personally, I can tell a gay guy on sight but, since that appears to be an issue for you, my suggestion would be to head to a gay bar or club. Most straight 'allies' in gay bars are usually female so you can (usually) be sure of a 98% homosexuality rate :P. Besides, if you hit on someone there, it's their own fault.

Otherwise, just strike up a conversation with a guy you're interested in and ask? I can't see too many people being THAT homophobic these days.

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Originally Posted by Crysack

Otherwise, just strike up a conversation with a guy you're interested in and ask? I can't see too many people being THAT homophobic these days.

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This. 99% of guys you approach will just give you a wtf look and/or inform you that they're not homosexual if that's the case. Or at least this is the case in Alabama, so surely wherever you're at is no more homophobic than we are.

Also, try to be a little bit less straightforward about what you're going for than you would be with women if you're uncomfortable with it. Keep the conversation going and you can usually gauge interest based on that.

I'd say that unless you're in a strongly religious community or something your chance of being physically hurt because you asked a guy out is less than minimal. I can't help with your gaydar problems but I can tell you that much.

EDIT: Also, if you fear being beaten up or assaulted, I'd refrain from asking out thugs, skinheads, etc. :)

If I were you I'd totally ask that gay friend at work how he met up with his boyfriend. Maybe he can give you a few pointers.

Keep it in your pants until you are sure your victom is gay.

Victim? Wow...

Anyway that's just it, I have no idea how to find out if someone is gay or bi and it seems unbelievably awkward to just straight out ask, especially if I don't know the guy too well.

I did ask the guy at work how he met his boyfriend and the work guy said that he was the one who was asked out so that wasn't really much help. Other guys he said he's met at gay bars and gay functions. I guess that might be a place for me to start until I get to know more of the gay community but the thing with that is I'm not gay, I'm bi. I wonder if that really matters to gay men, because I know some of the friends I already have that are gay or lesbian think bi people just can't make up their minds or are trying to be trendy.

How would you ask a girl out?

I'm straight but I've seen plenty of situations where gay/bi guys either hit on me or my friends and no one really cares, we just laugh about it later. If you go up to a girl/guy, start talking and flirting and they start doing the same then obviously you've found someone, just don't be scared about it.

Obviously if you go for the the douche bag/ass hole type (he's probably the one chugging at the bar on a tuesday night and touching any woman he sees) and try to hit on him you might have some trouble with him and his bros, but if you just approach normal (what is normal? you figure it out) looking people I don't think you'll have any trouble.

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Originally Posted by Crysack

I'm sure sycld can help you out here.

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Obviously, I'm not a great source on dating advice.

But seriously, maybe look things like volunteer organizations or the like with gay/bi guys, social groups, or... yes, I'm really going to suggest this... internet dating.

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I'm bi. I wonder if that really matters to gay men, because I know some of the friends I already have that are gay or lesbian think bi people just can't make up their minds or are trying to be trendy.

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To be honest, it unfortunately does matter to many people. They'll be scared you'll leave them for someone of the opposite gender.

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Originally Posted by sycld

To be honest, it unfortunately does matter to many people. They'll be scared you'll leave them for someone of the opposite gender.

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What factor does gender play when someone leaves another for somebody else? It isn't like being bi increases one's chances of finding a partner (be it male or female).

Well it does technically give you twice as many options.

Edit:Maybe not twice as many, but more options. It's easier to find a female than a gay guy, so it's easier to worry that it would happen if you're gay.

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Originally Posted by Absolution

What factor does gender play when someone leaves another for somebody else? It isn't like being bi increases one's chances of finding a partner (be it male or female).

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I know, but still that's an irrational fear that both gay males and straight females have towards bi males. I think it's worse among straight females in some part due to homosexuality's social stigma.

It's been suggested that eye contact is the "gaydar" that people use, if you can access any sort of databases there are numerous studies on it (I use PsycINFO most because I'm a Psychology major).

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Nicholas, Cheryl L. Gaydar: Eye-gaze as identity recognition among gay men and lesbians. [References].
[Journal; Peer Reviewed Journal] Sexuality & Culture: An Interdisciplinary Quarterly. Vol 8(1) Win 2004, 60-86.

Year of Publication
2004

This paper examines eye-gaze associated with identity recognition among gay men and lesbians. Eye-gaze is argued to be crucial to forces that either trigger or reinforce one gay person's perception of another person's gay identity during social encounters. "Gaydar" is the folk concept used within the gay and lesbian culture to name this identity recognition device. An ethnography on Gaydar conducted over a period of three years reveals that eye-gaze in relation to Gaydar includes two different variations of visual contact, the direct and the broken stare. These types of gaze can be accentuated by the presence of other forms of nonverbal communication such as posture, gestures, and smiles. Consciousness in relation to eye-gaze is also discussed to be a distinct trigger and reinforcer of gay and lesbian identity recognition. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2008 APA, all rights reserved) (journal abstract)

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Nicholas suggests that it is due to eye contact (in one of my texts last year it suggested the duration of the eye contact also) and other"nonverbal communications."

I always like to check out journals, helps out a lot. I had a stint where I questioned my sexuality back in high school and I found the guys that I dated during that time based off things such as eye contact and smiles, never went to any "gay functions" since at the time I was living in a small very religious oriented town.

That's funny Icarus; it sort of confirms my experiences.

Even though I feel that direct eye contact isn't always necessary to confirm if someone is gay or not, a lot of times that is what confirms it for me, though this is more strongly the case in settings where being open with one's homosexuality would not be tolerated.

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Originally Posted by sycld

That's funny Icarus; it sort of confirms my experiences.

Even though I feel that direct eye contact isn't always necessary to confirm if someone is gay or not, a lot of times that is what confirms it for me, though this is more strongly the case in settings where being open with one's homosexuality would not be tolerated.

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This is true, I'm guessing more public settings where it's not as acceptable to be gay. I don't have any experience of being in areas where it was more acceptable other than at close friends houses, but by that point I'd already have known the other guy was gay (or bi).

So all of my experience comes from finding other guys in places where this wasn't acceptable, heh.

Well, in particular I remember going to a funeral for my aunt. I remember seeing a remarkably cute, well-groomed, and well-dressed young man there either from her husband's side of the family or a distant enough relative that I didn't know him (they're rednecks btw, making him stand out all the more). We exchanged a couple glances, and there was something telling about the way he was looking at me which sort of confirmed my suspicions that he was most likely gay.

OP

Also the plot thickens a little bit. There's a girl I've been hanging out with a lot and long story short she recently became my girlfriend. I have no intention of cheating on her with either gender, but I'd like her to at least know that I'm bi. I understand about her being worried I'll leave her or cheat on her, but seriously she'll probably find out anyway and I think it's just something she should know if we're going to have trust in the relationship.

Should I tell her now, later, what? I don't want her to find out on her own, that just feels dishonest somehow.

I would suggest you tell her once you've gotten a bit closer. She may be a bit upset that you didn't tell her sooner but I feel like if you flaunt it in the beginning of the relationship she might feel a bit more insecure. Also, that gives you time to feel out how she'll react.