Something is severely wrong. On Introspection and Depression.

It's a Saturday night and here I am, posting about my woes on CD. I've never really posted in PS before, but after a drunken walk back involving some intense introspection I decided I might dabble. Some of you may not read this entire thing, some of you may actually trudge through it, but in the end I think this is more of me just putting what I think out there and, like everyone else, waiting for some response which may provide some insight I cannot come to myself.

I'm extremely lonely. I always have been. Even as I write this now (all my roommates are gone out partying elsewhere or hooking up) I am all alone. I've been alone for the past 20 years. My love life, or lack thereof, has been nonexistent and my relationships beyond friendship have been nil. I spend most of my weekends alone while my roommates go out to enjoy their night. I'm not a heavy drinker. I indulge maybe once every month or so and most of my weekends are spent in the house or in the library to study. The library seems to have turned into my home away from home. If I'm not at home I'm probably there and rarely do I adventure outside of those two spheres.

I have very little friends. My phonebook in my cellphone may contain 30 or so names, but only 2 may actually call me from time to time. I don't have friends that "hang out" with or go to their houses when I'm bored. The only people I just chill with are my housemates. I have 2 really good friends. One I live with and the other goes to school about 2 hours south of me. The one I live with I consider to be my best friend here at school. The strange thing is he doesn't seem to reciprocate that feeling. That's probably because he has way more friends than I could imagine having and doesn't consider me his best friend, but rather a friend he lives with. My other best friend who I don't go to school with calls me about once every two weeks to actually talk to me and see what's going on. NO ONE ELSE DOES THAT (besides my mother). The only time people call me is if they want something from me, and my phone rings maybe once a week...

I've gotten involved with clubs to try and make friends and put myself out there, and I have. I've come to know a couple of the people in my club really well, but, I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, they never seem interested in doing anything with me or invite me anywhere with them. I don't go to parties often because I only become depressed. I'm a pretty open person, usually smiling and talkative but no one really talks to me. This just causes me to be depressed because I just assume I'm either a) uninteresting, b) ugly, c) uninteresting and ugly. I would open up the whole I'm not good looking book, but that's a whole other thread in itself.

I've come to terms that my future is probably going to repeat the past and I will just be a lonely fucking pathetic piece of shit without friends who just does nothing but study/work. I'll probably die alone.

You know what would be awesome? Just once I'd like to wake up, like my roommates do, next to someone. It seems like to me that would make me the happiest dude in the world, just to wake up next to a girl that enjoyed my company.

Anyway, that's my rant. My pathetic fucking lonely life.

I guess I'm just really sad because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing wrong. I try to go out and meet people and put myself out there and enjoy my time and make people laugh, but in the end I come up empty handed. I am always the one asking people what they are doing for their nights, not one single person--NOT ONE--ever calls me up to ask me.

I've never actually seriously considered suicide but I often wonder, besides the small family I have (Mother, Sister, Grandmother) who the fuck would care if I died?

Try taking the initiative in calling them up and asking them to hang out. Don't know if you tried that before but it might work, and they might not consider calling you because either you didn't seem to interested or they have a shitload of previous friends and don't worry too much about making new ones. But you are.

If you do this and it still doesn't work out then I don't know what to say.

I have to wonder -- you say nobody calls you up to see what you're doing and how you're going, but how many people do you do that to?

It feels like you can't, I know, because they don't do it to you. But give it a try anyway. Jump in. I promise you as you become more comfortable with people and making friends, the girl issue will solve itself, as long as you've half decent people skills.

You're more likely to make friends being too friendly than not friendly enough. Neither are ideal, but you've spent a long time in the latter camp, and after spending some time in the other, you might figure out some equilibrium.

I've spent most of my life in a similar place to you, and I'm only getting out of it now. It's taken exactly what I've told you.

If you're interested in meeting girls for more than just friendship, there are so many different ways to go about it. Each one will probably suit each person differently. I was (and still am not) the kind of guy who can just hook up with girls that I've been good friends with. My first real relationship was with someone that I didn't really know all that well to start off with, but we worked together two Summers ago and things kinda led on from there.

My girl-friends (not girlfriends) know too much about me for anything serious to happen. So if you want to be friends with a girl, go out with that intention in mind. If you want more, don't get caught in the trap of being friends first and trying to be something else later on.

tl;dr - I'm trapped in the friend zone with the majority of the girls I know. Learn from my mistakes.

A lot of people have had this problem, I'm one of them too. First of all I'm kind of introverted (I know, hard to believe but IRL I am ;)) so I don't usually take the initiative to hang out with people because a lot of times, parties and stuff like that are really draining for me. I'm much better in small groups. So even if asked, I don't usually go to parties. And because I tend to hang back a bit socially, people don't generally approache me.

So yeah, I had to take the initiative and start asking people to do things that *I* wanted to do. Go to a movie or rent one with a few people, play video games, have a game night, go running, things like that. Because honestly when most people think "hang out" they think go to a party or drink. They might want to do other things, but don't think of them unless someone else brings them up.

It's just some people's lot to be the one that makes the effort first, I guess.

True.. Contrary to popular belief there is a world outside of binge drinking and hooking up. And that's where life truely begins. Have you ever thought of online dating? It will give you a chance to pair up with someone who shares your intrests and views about life. You never know... You just might meet THE 1! And maybe a few good friends @ the very least.

User was banned from PS for this piece of shit post.

:heart:,
sole

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Originally Posted by HopeYouDie

True.. Contrary to popular belief there is a world outside of binge drinking and hooking up. And that's where life truely begins. Have you ever thought of online dating? It will give you a chance to pair up with someone who shares your intrests and views about life. You never know... You just might meet THE 1! And maybe a few good friends @ the very least.

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What the fuck? What kind of dumbass advice is this? Life truly begins outside the world of partying and promiscuous sex? Yeah I guess if you were like 35 and a fucking deadbeat. I'm not saying the OP has to go out every night, get piss drunk and not remember who he had sex with but he's 20 years old, in college, it's what college kids do; and I'm sure that online dating isn't the type of advice he's looking for.

As for the OP's problem, well maybe a transfer would give you the chance to start over with a clean slate, but it's probably a bit too late for that. You gotta realize that even though you consider your roommate your "best friend," you guys really aren't friends at all, if the relationship never extends past being roommates then that's what you guys are, and that's how he probably sees it too.

You say you're involved, but I can't believe that you're having this hard of a time making friends; you didn't talk about high school, care to expand on that? It isn't because of your appearance (unless you have hideous boils growing all over your face), it's your personality. People want to be around others who make them laugh, make them think, basically evoke some sort of emotion.

Also, there are tons of college kids in your situation: lonely, can't make friends and they don't know why.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

I've gotten involved with clubs to try and make friends and put myself out there, and I have. I've come to know a couple of the people in my club really well, but, I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, they never seem interested in doing anything with me or invite me anywhere with them. I don't go to parties often because I only become depressed.

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a couple of people isn't enough; get to know as many of the others as possible and then you can better tell whether people in general are not interested in being friends with you
if the clubs really match your interest then you should take a more active role in them, since parties and drinking aren't your thing; even if you don't make friends you'll be occupied and it's always good to keep your mind off your predicament in case it shows through
as you spend so much time studying, find study groups and join them
don't even think about relationships until your social life has improved

Take this advice and I can guarantee you that things will turn out.

First of all, you can't come up with sappy excuses like "oh im ugly and/or uninteresting". Do you know what that is? Learned helpesness....how can you help yourself if you think you are HELPLESS...see the contradiction there?

The very first thing you have to do is change your attitude about your life. Attitudes will then change behaviors which will be observed by others and reciprocated.

1) Smile. This is the most important aspect of social interactions. Nothing is more appealing, socially, than someone who smiles. Why? Because people who smile are people who are happy, people who are happy are interesting. People don't want to talk to someone who will simply drudge on about their miserable lives.

1b) Once you have mastered the smiling, you will probably notice that you will get more attention from people. Now you can't OVERDO this stuff. You have to be natural. This requires some amount of cognitive alterations. You pretty much have to force yourself to believe you're a good person and that you are worthwhile. Eventually you will realize that you ARE and it will not be an act, I know it's slightly contradictory but trust me, you have to start somewheres.

2) Focus on the positive things. Big deal, you're always at the library. It means you will probably have a great career, most people who have good careers spent most of their time studying and doing work. Obviously your social life has to suffer a BIT if you want to have great academic success but that's ok, the key thing is to make the time that you do spend in social interactions meaningful.. THe key thing is to actively make time for social activities. Sit next to people in class, talk to people, eventually you will be comfortable enough to ask people to hang out.

2b) Take initiative. Actively seek out and engage people. Girls, guys, it doesn't matter. Just start talking to just about anyone and eventually you will be comfortable talking to anyone. People who have good lives have good lives because they make it happen, things don't just randomly happen out of chance like that, those who have friends have them because they are actively engaging other people in social interactions

3) THIS IS THE IMPORTANT ONE IN RELATION TO WOMEN. Women DO NOT want someone who is depressing and/or desperate. Why on earth would ANYONE want to be with someone who is so damn unhappy? Would you want to be with a woman who is constantly seeking reassurance from you? Who cannot be happy without you? Hell no...no one wants that, it's like an anchor on you. Once you change your attitude about yourself you will immediately notice differences (like I said before...change in attitude leads to change in behavior and you can pretty much only go up at this point). Most depressions are LEARNED phenomenon and involve cognitively distorted processes. In other words, your misery is self-inclifcted to a certain degree. You have you realize that you are the only one who can change your situation, there's nothign anyone can say to magically make your situation or make you feel better.

4) Here's an evolutionary perspective on the womens issue. Women are wired to seek out mates who can provide resources and protection for their baby (read: sexual selection). How on earth can you provide this if you are so busy feeling sorry for yourself and/or constantly seeking THEIR reassurance? You have to demonstrate INDEPENDENCE if you want any female to be interested into you. Dependence is possibly the least attractive trait in existence. Did you know that men are actually the ones who choose women based on looks and not the other way around? Female seek dominance, resources and dependability while men seek fertility (to spread their genes). So no, women don't care what you look like...what they do care about is that you are a MAN and not a pussy.


Take what I said and actively apply it and you will notice positive differences in your life.

Is there a chance you actually enjoy solitude but you're not comfortable with that because it's weird to enjoy being a loner?

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Originally Posted by wodke

Is there a chance you actually enjoy solitude but you're not comfortable with that because it's weird to enjoy being a loner?

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Alright let's not kid ourselves here, sure some people prefer independence more than others but no one likes to have zero social interaction.

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Originally Posted by Absolution

Alright let's not kid ourselves here, sure some people prefer independence more than others but no one likes to have zero social interaction.

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Some people do but they are few and wouldn't be posting here about how it makes it sad, so wodke I think we can say with confidence that he does want social interaction.

Nice post Kozzle.

OP, if you think you might be depressed you might want to go see a doctor just to get checked out, you may find that opens new doors to getting better.

yea, depression can be a bad thing and i know people at university who have had to take leave of absenses for depression. Go to a doctor and explain what's happening. Also, try not to wait on others calling you ot hang out. If there's a new film out of something, ask a group of people if they want to go see it, then maybe get a few beers? It all starts slow but over time, your friendship will grow. Good luck with everything dude.

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Originally Posted by gismo

Some people do but they are few and wouldn't be posting here about how it makes it sad, so wodke I think we can say with confidence that he does want social interaction.

Nice post Kozzle.

OP, if you think you might be depressed you might want to go see a doctor just to get checked out, you may find that opens new doors to getting better.

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Dude probably stopped reading the thread before I even posted my advice

Wrong, I did not stop reading, in fact I decided to wait a week to give some sort of update.

I gave myself a week to sort of try new approaches toward, I guess, the human population. My house hosted a party tonight and I've tried many of the things suggested here (although I've tried them before) and I turned up without results.

I met some sorority girls, joked around with them and they told me I talk to much shit. So I decided to cease conversation with them knowing it was a lost cause and decided to try and enjoy the rest of my night. I smiled, I was open, I've tried everything the book has told me to. Many of my friends were here and I enjoyed my time until this point: I was filling people's cups from the keg and encountered a very drunk guy. Before I filled his cup I happened to look in his cup and saw that there was something in it. I said, before I fill your cup, you might want to check your cup, someone put something in it. He told me to just fill his cup, and again I reiterated that I thought he should investigate his cup before I filled it. It escalated to the point at which I told him to leave and then he didn't. He was part of the team that my roommate is a part of and did not leave. I harped on this for the rest of the night. Every chance I got I told him to leave, that I lived at the house and that he was no longer welcome. He was incredibly drunk and I didn't want him in our house any more. He didn't leave and none of my roommates would back me up. A really good friend of mine gave me the ultimatum: I could either let him be and enjoy the rest of my night, or continue to try to get this guy out and have a shitty night.

I, of course, chose the latter and here I am. Upstairs in my room while the party downstairs dwindles and winds down. I seem to have come to the following truths about myself:

I never take the easy way out.
I hold grudges until the end of time.
I am not an enjoyable person around other people.
I, apparently, am better off alone.

I enjoy independence, but as you said Absolution, no one likes complete loneliness. Yet, through whatever stubborn attitude and animosity towards others I have.. reduces me to just be a complete dick. And this is where I stand. I would rather focus on the negative than enjoy what I have. I've never had a really good "night out" and it's always ended in me alone, like all other nights, and without a friend to lean on or other people.

Maybe I need to see some sort of shrink, but I know it wont help because, in the end I will think I'm better without him/her.

I have a 21st birthday party to go to tomorrow. I will try these tactics again, but after tonight... I realize I'm a lost fucking cause.

Kozzle, I have read your advice, but I've read it many times before. Something in me just sets myself against it and I am somehow always believing that either I am a) too ugly to apply or b) too stupid to try and follow these rules.

I try to show that I am not desperate, but it always just turns me into a dick or it simply doesn't work.

I thank you all for the advice, but I simply cannot seem to change myself.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

I met some sorority girls, joked around with them and they told me I talk to much shit. So I decided to cease conversation with them knowing it was a lost cause

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if you walk away from people as soon as they point out a potential flaw with you, you make yourself a lost cause

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

I would rather focus on the negative

Maybe I need to see some sort of shrink, but I know it wont help

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there is a discord here that should push you to actually see a shrink, given that you want to focus on positives instead
seeing a real life shrink will be more insightful and effective than reading from internet shrinks what you have already read before

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

I have a 21st birthday party to go to tomorrow. I will try these tactics again, but after tonight... I realize I'm a lost fucking cause.

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you won't change drastically overnight
this all-or-nothing attitude is destructive

So tonight was actually pretty good. I was invited to two different birthday parties, did not alienate anyone (okay so I almost got into a fight with one guy who was clearly wasted beyond any recognition but I stopped it with a simple handshake) and actually enjoyed myself the entire day. The people from the club I joined invited me to the first party and I actually really enjoyed myself and it seems like they included me in everything they did (beer pong and everything).

The next party was equally as welcoming and in the end I think it was a very good night for me. I'm not even complaining about going to sleep alone tonight, I think tonight was a vast improvement over any other night.

I think the issue is parties at my house v. parties at others'

That might have been the issue the last time with it being your house, but you seem to have a better attitude towards parties and all compared to way back when you were thinking like below.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

I'm not even complaining about going to sleep alone tonight, I think tonight was a vast improvement over any other night.

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You can't judge the night you had based on whether you ended up in bed with someone. If you do then you're gonna have bipolar nights - either fantastic or really shit. If you enjoyed yourself, made some new friends and had a laugh then ask if that's an improvement on what else you might have done that night. If it is, then it's been a good experience.

The drunk guy was, by means of being drunk, not thinking straight. You can't judge someone's personality based on what they're like when they've been drinking, things would probably have been different if he was sober. If they won't have been then fuck him, you don't want to know him. As for the sorority girl, you probably just picked the wrong one to talk to. I know that as a newcomer to a group, you can be drawn in by the wrong ones. I've seen it happen, far too often. You just have to pick yourself back up and find someone new to talk to. It gets easier with time, trust me.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

So tonight was actually pretty good. I was invited to two different birthday parties, did not alienate anyone (okay so I almost got into a fight with one guy who was clearly wasted beyond any recognition but I stopped it with a simple handshake) and actually enjoyed myself the entire day. The people from the club I joined invited me to the first party and I actually really enjoyed myself and it seems like they included me in everything they did (beer pong and everything).

The next party was equally as welcoming and in the end I think it was a very good night for me. I'm not even complaining about going to sleep alone tonight, I think tonight was a vast improvement over any other night.

I think the issue is parties at my house v. parties at others'

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That actually is a big thing. I typically enjoy big parties at other people's houses over my own because I don't have to worry about the mess etc.


See, you had 2 good nights out and you kept a POSITIVE attitude. Everything can pretty much be explained in terms of your thoughts about everything. positive attitudes typically yield positive results, and I applaud you on avoiding a fight with a handshake, it takes the better man to pull that off and I commend you for it.


Also, one other piece of advice (which I think you are already on the right track but just to reinforce it): Whether you go to bed alone or with someone is completely irrelevant to the night you are having. You have to completely remove the goal of getting in bed with someone to enjoy your night, once you can achieve this (and have fun without such concerns) the time WILL EVENTUALLY come...patience is a true virtue. Trust me, I used to be pretty much exactly like you and the minute I forced myself to stop caring if I would get lucky or not, I got lucky :D

I'm the same way. I tend to have a lot more fun at other people's houses even if we're not really doing too much than I have fun at my own place doing the same things. I always feel like I have to be "the perfect host" - have food, movies, games, a party, some other plan/event/etc going on or people aren't going to enjoy coming over when seriously, sometimes it's nice to just chill and watch stupid vids on YouTube for a while. I can enjoy doing that at other people's houses, but always feel like I fail at providing entertainment when it's at my house. I'm also kind of introverted like I mentioned, and feel intruded on to some degree with people are over, even if they're my close friends.

This might be the key for you too. Just enjoy things on others turf, or neutral turf, if you have more fun that way.