Need Confidence Help

I've been hanging out with this girl for awhile, and I like her and she likes me a lot (no doubt on this). Yet I can't seem to cross the barrier into actually kissing her or doing much of anything. I want to touch her hair then kiss her or do SOMETHING. Everytime I'm about to I just stop in a paralysis of fear. I don't want to know what to do, but rather how to be confident in these situations. Don't say "don't think about it, just do it," as obviously that's my problem is that I haven't yet been able to just do it. I didn't used to have such a big problem with this, but for some reason I do now.

This is to the point where she still likes me a lot, but if I don't do something the next time we hang out, then it will almost certainly be too late. What can I do to snap myself out of the state of a paralyzed wuss? I'm even absolutely certain that she wants me to and I haven't, I guess my last relationship had a bigger effect on me than I thought, but geez such behavior is unacceptable! I need to snap out of it! Help!

Just so we're clear. I do NOT need to know WHAT to do, but HOW to get myself to the point where I actually do it.

No. That's not good enough. Suck it up. If you don't take ant chances opportunity will pass you by time and time again. Failure or rejection are always a possibility but that should NOT stop you from living.

You get scared, you freeze up, you start going 'oh no oh no'. That little voice in your head is holding you back, ignore the little bastard. He doesn't want what you want, he wants everything to stay the way it is. Tomorrow could be the first day of an enthralling new chapter or it could just end up another page in your boring ongoing story, you decide.

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Originally Posted by Pogo

No. That's not good enough. Suck it up. If you don't take ant chances opportunity will pass you by time and time again. Failure or rejection are always a possibility but that should NOT stop you from living.

You get scared, you freeze up, you start going 'oh no oh no'. That little voice in your head is holding you back, ignore the little bastard. He doesn't want what you want, he wants everything to stay the way it is. Tomorrow could be the first day of an enthralling new chapter or it could just end up another page in your boring ongoing story, you decide.

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Wow Pogo, that's really deep. Awesome Job is all I have to say.

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Originally Posted by Pogo

No. That's not good enough. Suck it up. If you don't take ant chances opportunity will pass you by time and time again. Failure or rejection are always a possibility but that should NOT stop you from living.

You get scared, you freeze up, you start going 'oh no oh no'. That little voice in your head is holding you back, ignore the little bastard. He doesn't want what you want, he wants everything to stay the way it is. Tomorrow could be the first day of an enthralling new chapter or it could just end up another page in your boring ongoing story, you decide.

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OP Here.

I know all this, and I thought it was clear in my original post that I did. This is a problem of knowing all this and STILL not doing it. Perhaps it's the fact that I know all this that makes it even harder, but it doesn't really matter. I need the means to ACTUALLY do it AT THE TIME. I don't need general perspective help, I know all these things but it hasn't made a bit of difference except perhaps make it even harder. I didn't used to have as big of a problem with this, but the reality of the situation is that now I'm having this serious psychological problem.

I need something that is actually useful to me.

If she likes you you can't really screw it up by kissing you. Imagine if she kissed you at an awkward time or something. You'd still like her, right? You'd laugh about it after, but you'd still like her. (And the ice would be broken.)

Pogo's basically right. You know everything you need to do. So stop whinging about freezing up -- there's no hint or trick to "just doing something". You just need to do it. End of story.

edit: actually there is a trick to being able to do it easily without paralysis: do it a few times the hard way first.

When you guys are together alone and are talking, once you get into a deep conversation keep eye contact, she keeps eye contact constantly that is good. When you feel like you want to kiss her, look her in the eyes, then look at her lips briefly, then look her in the eyes again. If she has not broken eye contact with you after that, she pretty much is anticipating/waiting for you to kiss her.

OP Here


All right so it sounds like you guys are basically saying "you're screwed." So far everything everyone has said has been stuff that I know, and that you already know that I know because I said that I do.

I really don't know why what I'm saying isn't getting through. I've heard stuff like "you just gotta do it" a billion times, and obviously that advice has not helped me be any more confident about it. I refuse to believe that there's nothing I can do other than just doing it. Also it's not like I haven't kissed a girl before, I had a long-term girlfriend and have had relationships of sorts with other girls. It seems to get HARDER each time if anything, which lets me know that it's a basic problem of mindset for me, and I need to fix it!

I know I need to do it, that's what I've been saying this whole time, that's why I posted here. I said I need to know how to get this done, not what to physically do. Please let this finally be clear. I don't need advice for women, I need advice for my psychology. I'm sick of attempting this the hard way, I need the way that actually works and can be a long-term solution. Even if I do end up just doing it, the internal problem still won't be fixed as evidenced by the other times when it was a bit easier for me to suck it up and just do it.

I definitely appreciate any advice, but please give me advice that goes towards solving my stated issue.

You're letting fear control you. It happens. I can't tell you what your specifically scared of as there are 100s of reasons but you just have to let go of the fear. I tried to hook up with this girl the other night and she completely just denied me. I was scared but at least I took the chance of doing it.

If you want like an easy setup or something watch a movie together and cuddle or just give an excuse for both of you to lay in your bed together. Really, just think of something that will get you guys physically close and it should be easy from there.

And if you know that she's so into you, what's the problem, confidence really shouldn't be an issue here unless you're a bad kisser.

No, none of us are telling you "you're screwed". Stop defending your reasons for not kissing her. By insisting that you have some psychological condition merely allows you to not do the things that scare you. You're legitimising your "paralysis" and nothing more.

Read 'The Game' (Which you just lost etc etc) its a GREAT book about picking up random women. I've read it and It really helped me with my confidence. I'd probably never have talked to the woman who took my virginity the way that i did had i not had the confidence that the book gave me. Granted, i still have not used any of the 'tricks' on her that are in it.

One 'trick' i'll give you though has to do with "Kiss Closing"

"Wait, do you want to kiss me?"
This can go one of three ways
Her: "Yes..." -Kiss
Her: "What?" You: "Lets find out.." -Kiss
Her: "No!" You: "I didn't say you could, you just looked like you had something on your mind."

You're gonna be nervous, I still get nervous dealing with a girl I've already slept with. The nerves never go away, you just adapt them and use them to fuel you. The second you pop that barrier of ASKING her if she wants to kiss you. The rest will just flow out.


Oh... and religion aside: Everything happens for a reason. If she says no and you blow it, maybe your eyes will open to a much prettier woman who will apear out of nowhere at a party or something.

OP Here

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Originally Posted by Absolution

If you want like an easy setup or something watch a movie together and cuddle or just give an excuse for both of you to lay in your bed together. Really, just think of something that will get you guys physically close and it should be easy from there.

And if you know that she's so into you, what's the problem, confidence really shouldn't be an issue here unless you're a bad kisser.

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That's the thing, we've already watched a few movies and hung out in ways where we're close in proximity, but nothing ends up happening. Also when I was like "I'm going to at least hold her hand right this moment no matter what." I just couldn't seem to move I was in such terror.

That's my question, what is the problem? I can't figure it out. I've been told I'm a great kisser by the last two girls I kissed, that used to be an issue but I've solved that one and it's not a thought in my mind anymore.

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Originally Posted by gwahir

No, none of us are telling you "you're screwed". Stop defending your reasons for not kissing her. By insisting that you have some psychological condition merely allows you to not do the things that scare you. You're legitimising your "paralysis" and nothing more.

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No, you're completely misunderstanding me. It's not that I'm defending my reasons for not kissing her, it's that nobody is addressing my issues! It's like I have a video camera that I need to get apart, and everyone just keeps saying use a screwdriver and even gives me a picture for exactly where all the screws are and what to do, but it doesn't help at all if I don't know how to get a screwdriver or how to use one (basic things to be sure, but an apt comparison nonetheless).

I'm not saying this to allow me to not do something, if that was the case I wouldn't have bothered posting in the first place. This is something I need to fix, but it's REALLY frustrating when I know everything about the damn video camera and how to take it apart, and I say this, and people STILL keep telling me about the video camera, rather than the screwdriver which would actually make it a hell of a lot easier to solve the problem.

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Originally Posted by BLMWolby

Read 'The Game' (Which you just lost etc etc) its a GREAT book about picking up random women. I've read it and It really helped me with my confidence. I'd probably never have talked to the woman who took my virginity the way that i did had i not had the confidence that the book gave me. Granted, i still have not used any of the 'tricks' on her that are in it.

One 'trick' i'll give you though has to do with "Kiss Closing"

"Wait, do you want to kiss me?"

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Ok great, but if I was able to ask that question then I'd just be able to go ahead and kiss her without asking it. I already know she wants to kiss, there's not a doubt about it.

You seem like the type of person that, if you weren't strapped in, would get off the roller coaster at the peak of the first hill. So what you need is some kind of strap to insure that you stay the course.

Drink a teeny bit first. But not to the point of drunk, or even tipsy. Enough to loosen your inhibitions. If she's cool with that, offer her some. If not, do it before, and chew some gum. But it'll get you where you need to be.

But I repeat - DO NOT GET HAMMERED. You want to get what my friend calls, 'conversational'. He's a clam, despite being a very talented actor and singer. But he has a beer, and he loosens up. Talks to people he wouldn't before.

And don't read The Game, because confidence doesn't seem to be your problem. Fear does.

But, you know, the roller coaster will go on even if you're not seated. Stall too long and she'll lose interest.