Life sucks.

I'm going to kill myself. I'm narrowing down the possible methods to the most optimal (probably either chemical or by leaping off a tall structure), and after I've sufficiently confirmed its efficacy, I'll make a final plan.

I'm not saying that my pain is worse than anyone else's, but rather no one understands, and I don't understand what's wrong with me. I've been alone ever since I was a child, and I've just done nothing. I mean I just spend most of my time doing fucking nothing and letting my life go to waste. I have so few friends and professionally things are going to pot. All I can say is that I have my bachelor's. Nothing appears to be that bad to many people that don't understand what's going on because I essentially am being protected by others in my profession who were impressed with my performance early on, and I as so many other people I am able to live most of my days by myself without making significant connections with other people.

Other people around me are living life and making memories. I on the other hand just watch television or screw around on the internet almost every night, just like I've always done. Almost all the meals I've eaten in my life were eaten alone, and that hasn't changed.

I just can't stand feeling like an ostracized freak, and I know I will not be able to hold down a job and support myself. I'm taking anti-depressants, but they just aren't the solution since they don't attack the root of the problem.

I have such trouble expressing myself when it comes to this, so even though none of this might seem like a big deal, it has caused me pain for years upon years. I've been considering suicide ever since I was at least 12 or 13, and now it's just gotten to the point that I can't tolerate the way things are anymore and there seems to be no other solution.

I'm not even sure what the point of me posting this is. Nobody on here has the solution for me, but I suppose it's just that tonight was particularly difficult for me. I'm expecting a lot of people to come on here with acting as though they have the solution to all my problems, criticizing me for considering such an extreme course of action, or accusing me of just begging for attention. I don't expect to read anything helpful.

As the first post in a thread such as this, I should remark that is it my obligation to tell you to not commit suicide. You say there is no other solution, but there are many solutions. You need to figure out what is going to be best for you. One you would be willing to actually consider.

Things I will not do in this post

• Try to place myself in your shoes
• Criticize you
• Say I've "been where you are"

If I may quote a valedictorian speech remarking on life, "sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it is only with yourself."

So you are no longer in academia? You are now in some sort of professional work environment apparently a more skilled person than those around you? That's pretty impressive.

Would it be too intrusive to ask which city you live in? I only ask to find out the sort of options you have for nightlife and social scene.

Why is it that you believe yourself to be an ostracized freak?

It is commendable that you realize that ant-depressants aren't attacking the root of your problem, but it also seems that you know what the root of the problem is. Are you lacking motivation?

What are your parents like? Siblings? What are your friends like, even the limited few you claim to have?


Given so little information about yourself, I find it hard to have a conversation.

Call the suicide hotline. If you're convinced that it's the right choice, then so be it -- they won't change your mind. On the other hand, they may present a point of view you haven't considered.

There are so many reasons for one to live in this world; are they outweighed by the one reason you want to die?

One other thing: if your life sucks, get a new one.

Move town.

Get a new job.

Do anything to take you out of what is shit -- if the alternative is to end your life entirely, what have you got to lose by just throwing everything to the wind anyway? Maybe you won't do anything special with your "second life", but maybe you will.

I kind of know what you are going through. I've been considering suicide alot, but I've talked myself out of it for now. Im getting help, early stages. I hope to fuck it helps. Alot of what you said reminds me of me. Go see your doctor, get access to therapy, if there is a chance it can help then you need to go for it. That is what I am doing. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I owe it to my family to at least try to get better. Its scary, I know.

You want to scream and let off steam in the hope someone will notice and bring you on the path to wellbeing. You want to be saved. I know that feeling, trust me I do. However you have trouble telling people about it, you may feel weak in doing so, but you need to find someone you can talk to, someone you can trust, heck even if it is on here in order to find the strength to take further steps in finding help.

It's difficult to make an appropriate call on your life with the state of mind that you're in. It's not to say that you aren't an intelligent person, it's because being in that situation clouds you mind and blinds you to things that are worthwhile in your life. It's very easy to see everything that wrong with us, and when we start cateloguing them, it turns into a heavy burden to wear around everywhere you go.

My friend once told me something simple: Are you happy with your situation? If you are, good, if you aren't - find a way to change it so you will be.

In this sense, I was unhappy with the deadend job I was in, so I took a huge (it's such a big, scary step) to move away and make a new life for myself. What I had there wasn't worth living for, and I was wallowing in misery and depression. But making a change, any kind of change, will help bring you out of the rut that you're in. Do something that's new, even if you're not sure you'll like it. Make an effort to avoid the things that make you miserable (old habits are hard to break).

Not OP.

I don't have the solution to all your problems. I know you don't want attention and I'm not going to criticize you. Just please don't discount what I have to say as "nothing helpful" before you read it, OK?

I was in a similar position. A bad relationship and some unhealthy behaviors on my part as well as on the part of others left me losing all my friends a few years ago. I also developed a health problem that was supposed to be "fixed right up" with physical therapy, but oh just my luck, wasn't. I ended up walking with a cane for 2 years and eating 15 oxycontin a day just to stay on top of the pain/keep from getting sick with opiate withdrawal. Then I lost my job - the ONE thing that gave me any human contact or reason to do anything other than eat painkillers all day.

I sat that night with a new bottle of oxy spread out on the table in front of me, all in a row, and the cat sitting next to me on the couch wondering what the fuck was going on. He sat there the entire night, looking at me, almost asking me what I was going to do. And I looked back at him and then at the pills several times, and finally decided that if I wanted to die that was probably cool, nobody would care anyway and I'd probably be out of the hair of all the people I tried to reach out to who didn't give a shit, I'd be out of pain for once and for all, win win situation, but it wasn't the cat's fault, and he didn't deserve to end up at the shelter and probably put down because I didn't feel like living anymore. After all, all he ever did was love me.

I wasn't even worth enough to myself to stay alive for me. It was for the cat. Do you still think that I'm going to criticize you, or think that you just want attention?

That night I decided that since I couldn't very well end it all, it was get better. I flushed the pain pills and spend 5 days in withdrawal hell and wasn't right for a month after that. I started walking. It helped my pain. I started running. It cured my pain. Instead of looking for another job I went back to school, graduated college, and just today I got offered a $40k/year assistant manager's job.

I understand why people consider suicide, attempt it, or go through with it. But, I also understand that it can get better.

I don't have any answers for you. I just hope hearing from someone who went through something similar and came out the other side might give you some motivation to find answers for yourself.

OP here. I don't know why I'm bothering to respond, but here it goes. I appreciate all your comments; I just don't have the energy to respond to them all. It's hard for me to post about this even anonymously.

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Originally Posted by TheOriginalGrumpySpy

So you are no longer in academia? You are now in some sort of professional work environment apparently a more skilled person than those around you? That's pretty impressive.

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I made a very positive impression on more senior people initially, but I have no motivation or energy anymore, and I don't know if I'm going to be in my profession for too much longer.

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Would it be too intrusive to ask which city you live in? I only ask to find out the sort of options you have for nightlife and social scene.

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I live in a major metropolitan area, but it doesn't matter since people just don't care for me.

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Why is it that you believe yourself to be an ostracized freak?

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I'm always alone, and I'm always excluded. I spend most of my time by myself, and I've spent most of my time alone.

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What are your parents like? Siblings? What are your friends like, even the limited few you claim to have?

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My parents love me, love to be with me, and are good people. I have no siblings. I have one friend who lives relatively far from me and who I see infrequently, though we do speak on the phone on a regular basis. I'm only friends with this person by a turn of events that made us friends in middle school.

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Originally Posted by gwahir

One other thing: if your life sucks, get a new one.

Move town.

Get a new job.

Do anything to take you out of what is shit -- if the alternative is to end your life entirely, what have you got to lose by just throwing everything to the wind anyway? Maybe you won't do anything special with your "second life", but maybe you will.

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I don't know what else I would do or where else I would go. I'm stuck. Furthermore, I know nothing will change because things have been this way through my childhood into high school, college, and beyond.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

Not OP.

I don't have the solution to all your problems. I know you don't want attention and I'm not going to criticize you. Just please don't discount what I have to say as "nothing helpful" before you read it, OK?

I was in a similar position. A bad relationship and some unhealthy behaviors on my part as well as on the part of others left me losing all my friends a few years ago. I also developed a health problem that was supposed to be "fixed right up" with physical therapy, but oh just my luck, wasn't. I ended up walking with a cane for 2 years and eating 15 oxycontin a day just to stay on top of the pain/keep from getting sick with opiate withdrawal. Then I lost my job - the ONE thing that gave me any human contact or reason to do anything other than eat painkillers all day.

I sat that night with a new bottle of oxy spread out on the table in front of me, all in a row, and the cat sitting next to me on the couch wondering what the fuck was going on. He sat there the entire night, looking at me, almost asking me what I was going to do. And I looked back at him and then at the pills several times, and finally decided that if I wanted to die that was probably cool, nobody would care anyway and I'd probably be out of the hair of all the people I tried to reach out to who didn't give a shit, I'd be out of pain for once and for all, win win situation, but it wasn't the cat's fault, and he didn't deserve to end up at the shelter and probably put down because I didn't feel like living anymore. After all, all he ever did was love me.

I wasn't even worth enough to myself to stay alive for me. It was for the cat. Do you still think that I'm going to criticize you, or think that you just want attention?

That night I decided that since I couldn't very well end it all, it was get better. I flushed the pain pills and spend 5 days in withdrawal hell and wasn't right for a month after that. I started walking. It helped my pain. I started running. It cured my pain. Instead of looking for another job I went back to school, graduated college, and just today I got offered a $40k/year assistant manager's job.

I understand why people consider suicide, attempt it, or go through with it. But, I also understand that it can get better.

I don't have any answers for you. I just hope hearing from someone who went through something similar and came out the other side might give you some motivation to find answers for yourself.

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Thanks for your story. I'm glad to read that things are going better for you.

I too have a pet. When I was feeling especially, well... suicidal, I looked at the beast sitting on my floor and thought that I should put the poor stupid dull thing out of its misery. Maybe my parents will take care of it, or maybe it'll get sent to a shelter and get humanely euthanized. Either way, it won't suffer.

I think at least that I'm beyond caring about those who I will leave behind. Like I said, I've had recurring and persistent thoughts about killing myself for at least more than a decade, and I only told my mom about them once. She cried and said that it'd be my parents' end. I still feel that I need to do this for myself...

Unlike you, circumstances appear for me to not be so bad. I haven't lost my job and I don't have debilitating health problems.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

I don't know what else I would do or where else I would go. I'm stuck. Furthermore, I know nothing will change because things have been this way through my childhood into high school, college, and beyond.

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So go anywhere, for crying out loud. Of course stuff has never changed, because YOU'VE NEVER CHANGED IT. You avoid responsibility for changing your life for the better because it's easier to just accept them as bad. I mean if you don't try and make a huge change, you'll never fail at making a huge change!

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

Unlike you, circumstances appear for me to not be so bad. I haven't lost my job and I don't have debilitating health problems.

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Yeah, and he managed. Imagine what you could do.

It isn't a small task to change your life. Not everyone has strong enough coping mechanisms to handle it. Sorry but I don't like it when people offer that kind of advice as if it was an easy thing to do. You are right that change is needed, but I am guessing he will need alot of help in creating the change.

OP, you need to get in touch with some kind of therapist and do the ground work, then once you are mentally and emotionally stronger seek to make those changes, with their support.

Don't just up sticks, I doubt you could handle it and could make your situation far worse.