Its coming back I think

A few months ago I posted here. I'd been have trouble with depression, and was on the brink of suicide at the end of last year. A few months of anti depressants seemed to be working. However last night it came back with a vengance. It is away now after some sleep but I fear that my depression can't be medicated away.

Why did it come back? I have an interview with a recruitment company tommorow. It is the first step in the process for a job I applied for. Good job in the IT sector, excellent money but...

I've been going over it in my head and it is really hard to explain and unless you have been through this you probably won't understand it, I can guess the kinds of responses I will get for this and should really post it else where as I fear I am in serious trouble.

I grew up in a single parent household in a deprived, run down part of a deprived run down town. I was raised on benefits, as were many of my friends. Few people in our street worked, and there were alot of alcoholics and drug abusers. I commited my first burglary at around the age of 8. Most of my childhood friends have been in jail for crimes ranging from serious assault, rape and attempted murder.

I was always assumed to turn out like them, having a single parent I was never supposed to acheive anything and be a druggy/alcoholic bum like most of the company I used to keep. However once I left high school I decided to distance myself from them and went to university, have a degree and have a post graduate qualification. I have acheived more now than any of them will ever acheive in their entire lifes, indeed more than most of the people in my town.

I was watching criminal minds the other night there and they always use quotes to begin and end it. One was to do with change, I cannot remember it exactly but it went along the lines of, change means we need to leave a part of ourselves behind, a little bit of us dies and no matter how great the change is, we will always grieve for the part of ourselves that we lose. It rang so true in my head.

I have always been below working class, lowest of the low. As soon as I get a job, I will go from that to middle class. I will change from a working class boy to a middle class man. I should be happy, my life is on the brink of something great...but I don't know if I can do it. I know alot of people will read this and think "ffs man, pull yourself together"...but you need to understand, the world I am about to enter is an alien world to me. I as I am just now does not belong in this world. The changes the career I am likely to take will bring will be so life changing, I am utterly terrified. I have colossal stage fright.

The reason alot of people in run down areas stay there is because the world of work, prosperity is alien to them and they are just scared to try. I differ from them in that I gave it a crack and it looks like it will pay off. Some people can manage it, my sister did, she got out. We are not all that strong though. Now I know why most of my pals didn't even try. We don't belong in that world and we are scared to change into people who do, because we will leave behind a large part of us. Being scum is part of your identity, and I already have a poorly defined ego that means I am a paranoid social leper, making this step means forging a new identity and I don't think I have the stomach for it...

Right now, I am ok, focusing on the positives to come out it. I was like this yesterday but then at night the depression crept back in and with it the fear, sense of hopelessness, self loathing and the overwhelming derise to die. I don't think I can be this person, middle class IT person with a good career, bright future and lots of cash. It is so fucking pathetic. However there is no way I will turn out like my old friends.

The anti depressants had been working but...I need to see someone, not a GP but a proper mental health specialist, I need to get at the root of what the fuck is wrong with me, what is stopping me from embracing such glorious change, most people in the gutter only dream of making a better life, I am on the brink of realising that and I am choking. Now I am petrified that I might get the job. I worry the depression will come back, full force and there is no way I could cope and no way I could get help since my weekdays would be spent working.

I try to tell myself that it will work out, just go with the flow, enjoy the ride and there are so many positives I can see in this but it doesn't seem to help, I feel trapped, isolated and worthless. I hate myself for being like this...I have alot to look forwrd to but I can't see most of it and what I can see just scares me. It is fucking shit. I know growing up isn't supposed to be easy but it shouldn't be this hard, it just shouldn't. Every time I get all energetic over a job opportunity, the depression always comes in at night and robs me of any hope.

I had a job a few months ago as a programmer but I fell apart, I actually ran away during a lunch break. My family was so dissapointed, but back then I couldn't tell them why, I couldn't tell them that I had a total emotional breakdown and severe panic attacks. I couldn't tell them that I was a freak...I have never been so miserable, I have never wanted to die so much in my entire life and in the end I just had to escape. I am not sure exactly why I felt this way, or indeed what exactly happened. I am so scared that I will get this job and the same thing will happen again. Howe the fuck am I supposed to make my way in the world when my life seems to be ruled by fear, when a fucking job makes me take panic attacks and freak the fuck out.

I fucking hate it, I want to be normal. Most people would be loving the opportunities I have and would take them in their stride, but not me, no, I drew the fucking short straw when it came to anything that matters. What point is there in being reasonably bright, a good learner when you are too petrified to do anything with it. I try to get angry, angry at myself and use it to push me into sucess but the fear is always stronger.

Want to know how I spent my new years eve? Lying on my bed in a pitch black room, staring at the ceiling, too scared to move and wishing I was dead. This isn't just nerves, it is overwhelming fear, that kind that makes suicide seem very viable, its so fucking crippling.

Sorry, I ranted on a bit, wallowing in self pity. I know that won't do me any good but...I don't know what to do and unless I get a clue soon, Im fucked, its game over for me.

I don't think what's hit you is depression, man -- I think it's fear. By the sound of it, you think so too.

And it's totally understandable. You said it yourself; what you're about to go and do will thrust you into an alien world. It'd be weird if you weren't a little scared. But you're not a little scared, you're scared shitless.

You're allowed to be.

Don't punish yourself. Help yourself. If helping yourself is hard, still don't punish yourself. Don't get angry at yourself. I think seeing someone is an excellent idea. If you're already being medicated and the meds have worked for a while I don't think there's any reason for you to be on anything else but seeing someone could make ALL the difference. Writing that out to us probably made a significant difference to your processes, and that was just anonymously pouring out your feelings to online strangers.

You're not going to die. Quit that. Quit saying it, quit legitimising it, quit everything-ing it. What a waste of rare opportunity if you do!

See someone. Don't just talk about it, do it. See someone even if they're garbage. Hell, even if it's just a friend.

And know that not everyone has awesome new years eves. I had a comparable NYE to you last year, and I'm not a freak... neither are you. I've got my shit to work through, so do you.

You know what the problem is. Now take real steps to fix it.

I do have depression, was diagnosed last year. Right now, it probably isn't the depression, just the fear but it carries with it some of the hallmarks of depression. I have other shit that I think contributed to my depression, this is just one of em.

Im too scared to see anyone, mainly because I am too scared to leave the house. Its fucking dumb, but when it comes to getting ready to open that door, I become a wreck and unless I need to be somewhere, I can't do it. I don't have friends, did have but grew apart because of my self imposed solitude (couldn't tell them that I was too scared to leave the house).

Im not supposed to be scared shitless. How can that be?

There is only one way I can think of to make this right. Just suck it up, stiff upper lip, put a brave face on and go for it. I just know that if I can make it past the first week, first month then things will probably be ok, I can go back to the person that I used to be. Its just...these levels of fear, I don't know how to handle them. Im hoping that just talking, even if it is to online strangers can make it easy enough for me to suck it up.

Dude, seriously piss off a female and have her smack you. I know what you're going through, because I am basically living it myself. I had a serious head trauma nearly six months ago and frankly, while i Knew who I was, I forgot what it was that made me tick. My interests, my tastes in music, what my beliefs were, and hell, I forgot my entire childhood, and my short term memory went out the window along with it. After a lot of therapy, and hard work, I am about 95% of where I was prior to the head trauma.

Every day since then, has been a day of new ground for me. I forgot just how nice going outside for a walk is, or how touching the laughter of a child could be. I took for granted the friends I had, and now that I am living normally again, I strive to be a better person and not commit the same mistakes I did before nearly having my life taken away from me.

While my situation is completely different from yours, the basics are the same, you are entering territory you've never been in before. There is no easier way to suck it up, either than just going into the situation that is new ground with you, with an open. Don't expect anything, just black out the negative thoughts, and just embrace the fact your life is going to take a turn for the better. Just tell yourself it's a test, and that there is no loss, and I would say "be happy" but I'll just say try to be in the most neutral mood possible. I hope this helps, but serious, if thinking about it is what is dragging you down, then just stop. Go do something that is distracting for a while.

Thanks for the advice. I've decided to do something positive, some research for the job. It involves a side of IT that I am not fully clued up on, auditing IT systems etc, it takes my mind off it whilst doing something constructive.

I am going to do my best to keep positive, keep telling myself that this is going to be great. Ill need to dust off my weights and get back exercising. I used to work out alot and it did lots for my self esteem, when I get back from this interview tommorow that is the first thing I will do, work up a hellish sweat.