how to tell her

hello! it's my first time posting here. i have quite a lot to tell, so here goes.

i have a friend, actually a classmate, whom i liked for almost a year now. she's so nice to me. she gave me a gift on my birthday (we were not yet close back then). but i took the wrong signal. i thought she liked me before i did. but still, i acted as if nothing happened. so we started talking and eventually got close to each other as friends. but i've heard from our close friends that there's a guy (who's her childhood friend) who's been courting her, but she does not want to be in a relationship yet. so i took it as an opportunity to know her and maybe "test the waters"

just recently, i secretly gave her flowers on valentines day. i did it secretly because i still want to develop my friendship first before telling her. i am not in a rush, but i want to be sure that she won't go to someone else. i want her to feel how important she is to me, even if it's not the right time for us to be in a relationship.

sincerely,
JonV


edit: and oh, can the mods please edit the title from 'how to tell her' to 'how to let her feel'? thanks :)

Uh...how about you just tell her? I don't quite get how people always want a way to say what they mean OTHER than just saying what they mean. No, it won't be easy, yes, you'll be crazy nervous, yes, there's always a chance the conversation won't go well, but you obviously want to tell her these things, so TELL HER!

Just sit down with her, point out a few things that you appreciate about your relationship like how she's always so kind to you, she made a special effort on your birthday, and anything else she does or a facet of her personality that you really think is special. Then just tell her that you have feelings for her, you'd like to give it a try with her, but you also understand if it's not the right time, and that you just wanted to tell her how much she means to you regardless. I don't know a human being on the planet that wouldn't appreciate that.

"Not ready to be in a relationship".

If she said that to you, or if another friend of hers told you after she told that friend, it means she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.

If it was said about the other guy, it means she doesn't want to be in a relationship with him (although having it said to you also might be code for she doesn't want a relationship with you).

"I don't want to be in a relationship" is rubbish.

I honestly don't understand the question. There doesn't seem to be a question. Just...almost...bragging but not in a proper way...

I mean, I don't see how we're supposed to help you.

Also, telling her how special she is won't do anything unless she ALREADY likes you.

What do you want here? Do you want to be with her or do you want her to know you like her?

Yeah you're probably already fucked. If you start to befriend a chick she'll usually just ask you out outright or let the two of you become friends and become generally uninterested in you as anything but, at least until you fuck it up by telling her something touchy-feely and you basically never see her again in anything but an odd hello or tip of the head.

"I don't want to be in a relationship" or "I'm not ready for another relationship" are extensions of this.

Well, if you are really are friends with her, then you're kinda out of luck. If you mean friends in the way that you guys talk and flirt with each other in school then that is different.

What you have to do is just ask her out on a date, or just ask her to hang out after school or something, she'll get the point.

I

Once Again

Point Out

There is no friends zone.

There is, "She is not interested in you romantically."

But if you're a friend, and she thinks you're datable, she will date you.

The friend zone is such bullshit. Not every girl wants to date every guy. And not every guy stands a chance before they befriend a girl. It's just some flimsy excuse for guys to justify any specific female friend they find attractive denying them a relationship.

To elaborate:

If a girl tells you she's just interested in you as a friend, it means she never had any intention of dating you - or, if she did, she did not like what she saw in you when you acted as a friend to her. I mean, it's not like as soon as a girl clicks with you as a friend, she no longer wants to date you.

If she's your friend and she wants to date you, she'll date you. If you let that ship sail, it's your fault. You have relegated yourself to being a friend due to your inaction, which, by the way, girls hate.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MalReynolds

I

Once Again

Point Out

There is no friends zone.

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Repeatedly failing to escalate when given the opportunity will often cause the girl to reinterpret your relationship as non-sexual, even if she had initial attraction for you. That ought to be common sense, really. Try it a hundred times. If you don't show sexual intent for her, you aren't on the map. When it comes to sex, you don't exist.

This is not a hard and fast rule. And it's wrong to accept blind adherence to logically formulated principles in place of real, nuanced understanding. But real, nuanced understanding will include some conception of the fact that it is possible for a girl to put a guy in the "non-sex" category, even if she was attracted to him at some point, and that it's very difficult to impossible to get out of it.

But that's academic, and I suspect that we would be arguing more about the meaning of the terms than anything substantive if we continued to debate this. Here's the bottom line.

Starting out by befriending a girl you have romantic intentions for has no advantages when it comes to getting the outcome you want. 99% of the time, as an approach to dating, it is a rationalization of cowardice. The guy can't stand the thought of rejection and so he befriends her first, because this is less risky, thinking he'll make his move later. This is wrong. I don't pretend to have the perfect answers here; I'm not a guru. But I think you'll find that a much better way to achieve romantic success with a woman is to communicate your desire for her with all its direct intensity, fearlessly, and maybe playfully: but directly. It doesn't matter how you do this. But you must do it. She is looking to you to find out what your relationship is going to be like: if you signal that it's not sexual, she will adjust to that and become comfortable with it. If you signal that it's sexual, that you are going to try to get in her pants, then that's what she'll be expecting and thinking about. That you can tell her that without apology, doubt, or hesitation will probably turn her on.

You're the man. You have to lead the dance. It's not courtship unless you are courting.