Building Your Own Frankenstein Monster

An Essential Reading Guide

And

How To

Some people will scratch their heads when you tell them you are building your own Frankenstein monster. Some people just don’t get it, and those are the people that will just scratch their heads forever while you have a cool monster. They’ll scratch and scratch until all their hair falls out and you think, “Maybe I should have been a wig-maker instead,” but then you realize that if you didn’t make the monster, their hair would still be there and you’re just doomed to repeat this cycle forever.

There are a few things you need in order to make a Frankenstein monster. The first thing is the table to build it on. You can buy tables with leather straps, I guess, or you can make the leather straps yourself, but the table is very important. It can be made of wood, or metal, but it has to have room in the bottom for gears. The gears make the table look more intimidating, but they really do nothing (as you have a secret hydraulic lift underneath it). Cosmetic gears have gone out of style, you say? It’s time they make a comeback.

The next thing you need is an assistant. You could probably get Vana White (does she even work anymore? Note: Write to Vana White. If she says “No,” see if Pat Sajack is available. If he says, “No,” settle for Trebek.), but the best person to get is really someone with a hunched back. These people are really hard to find, and typically you have to look in a Bulgarian thrift store to get them, as they tend to work there. You should probably name yours “Igor” like I named mine, which isn’t really original, but come on.

You need some kind of brain. Maybe keep it in a jar, maybe with some pickles if you’re really low on jars and just got some pickles (in a bag). Maybe you should get a jar before you get the brain, or even the pickles for that matter. Maybe before even the table, you should get the jar. But you can’t keep a table in a jar, can you? Unless it’s on one of those miniature boats that they put in bottles. All kinds of miniature furniture in those.

I guess another good thing to have would be a castle in some foreign country. If not this, you can settle for a castle in your own country. If you country has no castles, why are you trying to build a Frankenstein monster when you should be focused on improving the economy?

You’ll also need a few gizmos and gadgets. It would be cool if you also had a guy there that could swallow fire. And swords. And a fire breather. If he breathed fire onto the sword, and then the fire eater guy swallowed it, I bet your world would collapse. Wait, do I need any of these guys? No, I’m getting my lists mixed up. That’s not the “Frankenstein Monster” list. That’s the “Carnival/Book Fair/Senior Retirement” list. Excuse me.

Another thing that would be helpful is a body that you are trying to bring back to life. Try not to make it someone you like, or even loved, because if it was someone that you loved and you bring them back to life, you might try to kiss them, and kissing a dead person is three kinds of wrong. If it’s someone you hated, you’ll probably try to kill them once they’re alive again, or even kill them again if you killed them in the first place, but then, why would try and bring back someone you killed? I guess if you feel guilty, but then you would just end up killing them over and over. Try to find someone that didn’t irritate you, like Frank or something, even though he owes you money and promises that he’ll pay you back just as soon as you stop keying his car. Stupid Frank.

It might help if you took maybe the eyes of someone you loved. That way, you could stare into their eyes without wanting to kiss them, because kissing eyes is so passé and who really likes the taste of tears? You could get the mouth of someone you hated, that way, if they made you angry, you could smack them pretty hard and not feel too bad about it. And get the nose of an owl, because “Hoot, hoot.”

The brain you got should be firm, yet somewhat tender. It should also be green-gray on the outside, and have fine ridges. Also, this could work if you’re trying to find a good cantaloupe. Mmm, cantaloupe.

You’ll want some good hands. Make sure to count the fingers, because you don’t want a clumsy Frankenstein monster. He might knock over your pickle/brain jar, and then where would you be? You wouldn’t be able to take him in public without everyone staring and saying things like, “Well, my monster would never do that!” or even “I sure hope this is no indicator of the way he’s raising his monster.” Stupid monster, I should have left you at home.

You’ll need some needle and thread, too, to put everything together, and maybe some bolts for the neck. I never understood what these were for, unless maybe you needed to hang your coat in a pinch or something. Or maybe he has scoliosis, I don’t know. Use your imagination! The possibilities are endless!

Finally, you’ll need an electric storm. All it takes to bring your monster to life is to shock him with lightning. If there’s no storm, stick his finger in a wall socket a couple of times. If this doesn’t work, wait for storm (Check weather channel?).

If you’ve followed all of my instructions, you should have a Frankenstein monster in no time that will do your bidding, like getting rid of Igor, who insists on getting paid, and helping you fix the hydraulics for the table, because no, it’s not a ride and you shouldn’t treat it as such.

Who knows. Maybe in the future, everyone will have their own monster! What a wonderful world we would live in, unless the monsters were scary. Then the world would be terrifying, and I would probably end up shooting a lot of the monsters, and then no one would be happy. Maybe it would be better if I just had a monster and everyone else stared in marvel and jealous rage, rubbing their hands together and plotting against me, just like everyone does now anyway, but I’ll have a monster, and then they'll be sorry.

If you’ll excuse me, I see the faint glow of torches coming up the driveway. It’s probably a good sized crowd coming to congratulate me on making my own Frankenstein monster. I’ll get out my hand shaking glove (another must have, if you plan on shaking lots of hands - NOTE: Can be any glove) and get right to it.