What can I do...

Okay, so I've been dating this boy for five months.

I'm quite fond of him (five months is a long time for me to be in a relationship looking at my past relationships lol)

The problems..
-He can't get it up, ever. He hasn't been able to stay hard and it sucks lol what can I do to fix that? He smokes a lot of weed... would that affect it? Oh, and he used to fuck his ex like.. ALL the time (I know this because before we were dating his best friend told me)

-He's shown up to work with hickies on his neck twice (one time he got "attacked" [but there were TWO on his neck] and the other was just a "normal bruise" from fighting with his friend)

Yeah....
so
yeah... so my theory is that he is cheating on me..... but would that make him not be attracted to me? I don't think I'm THAT bad looking...

But yeah... is there anything you would recommend doing to help him?

I don't understand it.. if he is cheating on me, why not just break up with me? Like, why stay with me.. especially if he's not even sleeping with me

This sounds like a joke response but it's not. Er...are you sure he's not gay?

I mean, judging from the picture, you're pretty attractive. If he's cheating on you then he's an idiot and a pussy and a coward. I'd suggest you find out and take appropriate action. Don't be too paranoid or suspicious though because you'll run the risk of sounding insane.

Hickies are almost never there by accident though so be cautious of that one.

The weed could be a factor in the...performance...department. But only if it's a LOT of weed. If he does any other drugs that could also decrease his bedroom abilities. Some guys just can't get it up though for various innocent reasons, it might be a personal or physical problem (they can pretty much arise overnight).

Honestly though, you need to find out more. Try talking things through with him but at the same time try and do some detective work in regards to his commitments to you.

I hate to say this, but he's probably cheating on you. He probably can't get it up for you because he's been having sex with other girls. Doesn't mean you're unnattractive (quite the opposite I'd say). He's just, unfortunately for you, found another interest.

Hate to be blunt, but I call it how I see it. =\

I hope he's not gay :S

I told him just yesterday that I am finding it harder to trust him lately, but I never am like OMG WHERE ARE YOU WHO ARE YOU WITH... so he doesn't think I'm paranoid.

Another problem I guess is that I'm away at school during the week and I am home Thursday [night] through Sunday, and I work, too. So it's hard to keep tabs on him.

So.. is getting a friend he doesn't know to try stuff with him a DON'T?... because I think that's really the only way for me to find out... I mean we have a lot of mutual friends, but I'd say most of them are more loyal to him than me so they wouldn't help...

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Originally Posted by srsinternets

I hate to say this, but he's probably cheating on you. He probably can't get it up for you because he's been having sex with other girls. Doesn't mean you're unnattractive (quite the opposite I'd say). He's just, unfortunately for you, found another interest.

Hate to be blunt, but I call it how I see it. =\

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Well, I'm glad you said it...
I just wish there was another way for me to find out for sure...

I don't get why he wouldn't just leave me?

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Originally Posted by WellAdjusted

So.. is getting a friend he doesn't know to try stuff with him a DON'T?

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YES. It is a don't. If you don't trust him, don't act on your mistrust by doing something untrustworthy.

Yeah, that's entrapment and doesn't often work.

He might not be cheating on you but might decide to when offered. Or he might think 'No, I'm already getting some on the side anyway, I don't need more' or whatever.

It just doesn't offer any realistic help.

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Originally Posted by gwahir

YES. It is a don't. If you don't trust him, don't act on your mistrust by doing something untrustworthy.

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Okay, I thought so.. thank you.
I don't think I'd be able to break up with him if that was the way I figured out he was cheating.. entrapment..

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Originally Posted by simonj

He might not be cheating on you but might decide to when offered. Or he might think 'No, I'm already getting some on the side anyway, I don't need more' or whatever.

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That's actually what it might be...
It kind of seems like he wouldn't go out of his way to cheat.. but if anyone started anything I don't think he would stop her.

I would confront him and see what he has to say. You've got problems in bed and hickies on his neck -- that's enough to warrant talking to him about it. He can't accuse you of being overly suspicious or untrusting.

If your basis for thinking he's cheating on you is that he can't get it up and he has bruises on his neck, I'd say your fucking psycho. But all this stuff is things you should be discussing with him.

Whoa damn. I had the reply box open for a solid 40 minutes. And everyone else gave better advice than me, listen to them. Cheating is not my specialty.

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Originally Posted by Shinysides

If your basis for thinking he's cheating on you is that he can't get it up and he has bruises on his neck, I'd say your fucking psycho. But all this stuff is things you should be discussing with him.

Whoa damn. I had the reply box open for a solid 40 minutes. And everyone else gave better advice than me, listen to them. Cheating is not my specialty.

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Really? Is it that much of an overreaction to think he's cheating?

I wouldn't say so, but I'm very suspicious of our gender (I have a lot of female friends).

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Originally Posted by Shinysides

If your basis for thinking he's cheating on you is that he can't get it up and he has bruises on his neck, I'd say your fucking psycho. But all this stuff is things you should be discussing with him.

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I don't think I'm psycho [but then no crazy person knows they are crazy]

I try to talk to him about it and he only says the same things over and over.
The first two were hickey's. He told me.. I just don't understand how you could get one, let alone two, hickey's if you didn't want them...

Maybe I am crazy..

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Originally Posted by WellAdjusted

The first two were hickey's. He told me.. I just don't understand how you could get one, let alone two, hickey's if you didn't want them...

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...And what did he say when you asked how that happened?

Personally, especially for a pothead, I used to wake up with bruises all the time. Me and my buddies would get into stupid tussles when drunk and high, and we'd end up knocking shit over and hurting ourselves. Also, I think him not getting it up points more to emotional troubles or him being gay rather than cheating. Most guys who cheat that early in a relationship only cheat once or twice, especially if he's still getting it at home. And for him to not ever be able to stand at attention doesn't scream cheating to me. It's natural to think your partner might cheat, I'm just saying get facts before making accusations, because if you're wrong that can be a serious breach of trust leading to a break up anyways.

Edit: If he got hickeys and told you what they were, by all means confront him, ask him what the fuck happened, tell him if it happens again, your gone. Seriously, how do you get a hickey without wanting it? You don't.

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Originally Posted by gwahir

...And what did he say when you asked how that happened?

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He said "I don't know, it just did"
I asked why he didn't stop her, and he shrugged
That's all he will say about it

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Originally Posted by Shinysides

Personally, especially for a pothead, I used to wake up with bruises all the time. Me and my buddies would get into stupid tussles when drunk and high, and we'd end up knocking shit over and hurting ourselves. Also, I think him not getting it up points more to emotional troubles or him being gay rather than cheating. Most guys who cheat that early in a relationship only cheat once or twice, especially if he's still getting it at home. And for him to not ever be able to stand at attention doesn't scream cheating to me. It's natural to think your partner might cheat, I'm just saying get facts before making accusations, because if you're wrong that can be a serious breach of trust leading to a break up anyways.

Edit: If he got hickeys and told you what they were, by all means confront him, ask him what the fuck happened, tell him if it happens again, your gone. Seriously, how do you get a hickey without wanting it? You don't.

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I don't like accusing people of cheating because an ex of mine always thought I was cheating on him and I never was.

But yeah, he knows that if there is another one he is gone.

Would it be easier if me, Gwahir and Shinysides went round with baseball bats and beat the truth out of him?

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Originally Posted by WellAdjusted

He said "I don't know, it just did"
I asked why he didn't stop her, and he shrugged
That's all he will say about it

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Well, that's unacceptable.

I don't actually care about significant others having sex with other people. It's not a big deal (though it admittedly hasn't happened to me). It's the breach of trust. It's the lack of respect. Don't lie to me -- break it off with me, tell me and we'll move on (I probably won't really care), but don't lie to me.

For him to have two hickies on him and to only shrug when asked why he didn't stop it is unacceptable. Who does he think he is?

Yea that's fucked up. I didn't want to think he was cheating or anything but I mean come on. What kind of response is that.

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Originally Posted by simonj

Would it be easier if me, Gwahir and Shinysides went round with baseball bats and beat the truth out of him?

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Hahaha, he's already on one of my roommates drive-by list.

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Originally Posted by gwahir

Well, that's unacceptable.

I don't actually care about significant others having sex with other people. It's not a big deal (though it admittedly hasn't happened to me). It's the breach of trust. It's the lack of respect. Don't lie to me -- break it off with me, tell me and we'll move on (I probably won't really care), but don't lie to me.

For him to have two hickies on him and to only shrug when asked why he didn't stop it is unacceptable. Who does he think he is?

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Yeah, I wish he'd break up with me if he's cheating so I can start getting over him...

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Originally Posted by Killuminati

Yea that's fucked up. I didn't want to think he was cheating or anything but I mean come on. What kind of response is that.

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I still hope he's not cheating..

Well he may not be, but he is acting very poorly. He had better explain himself is what I'm saying.

Why do you keep saying "I wish he would break up with me" ? If you're honestly not happy and you've having all these doubts about your trust in him, why don't you take the initiative? This guy sounds like a shady character. You'd be a fool to defend someone who said, "uh i dunno how these hickeys got on my neck dur dur lol"

I'd say move on. Five months isn't that long to be dating someone, I'm sure you'll get over it. And look back and be like, "wow wtf was I thinking." We've all been there, mkay.

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Originally Posted by gina

Why do you keep saying "I wish he would break up with me" ? If you're honestly not happy and you've having all these doubts about your trust in him, why don't you take the initiative? This guy sounds like a shady character. You'd be a fool to defend someone who said, "uh i dunno how these hickeys got on my neck dur dur lol"

I'd say move on. Five months isn't that long to be dating someone, I'm sure you'll get over it. And look back and be like, "wow wtf was I thinking." We've all been there, mkay.

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This.


Also, If he was cheating with another girl, I'd think that he'd be more ready to fuck(this comes from personal experience on both sides of the fence).

I dunno, I've smoked pot since I was 12, and never had a trouble getting it up, unless I was doing certain stimulants, opiates, or MDMA.

Unless he's got ED(one of my friends has had this since he was about 14), there really should be no reason he can't get it up, unless he's gay. (true)Friends of anyone will tell you anything to make them seem better.

As for the hickeys, I've never, once, in my life gotten a bruise on my neck from rough housing(Hickeys are just bruises), the only time I've gotten one w/o someone sucking my neck was from a paintball gun.

This dude sounds like he's gay and cheating IMO. But really I don't know about your situation so my input should be taken with a grain of salt.

lol everyone's calling this guy gay.

Thanks for all of the replies, I appreciate it.

I am going to just ride it out and see what goes on. You are right to say five months isn't long and I know that, but I have a hard time making it past three without dumping boys so I will stay in it because I still like him.

I mean I'm only 19 so I have some time to give to this relationship.. even if it'll end up failing.
Hah, hopefully not because he is gay though...

I'm going to just forget about the bruises. But if there is one more then he is gone.

Again, thank you :)

Oh, hah... to deal with the sex.. I'll use viagra :D
But seriously... no idea about that part

Sorry but I think that's a really really shitty idea.

You are ONLY 19. Why be in a relationship if you know it's pretty much doomed? This is gonna waste a lot of time and emotion on your part. And what if you become more attached to him? It's only gonna be harder when it inevitably ends.

And you can't just forget about the fucking obvious hickeys he had. This is such a pisspoor relationship, there's just no point.

Seriously. Find your balls. Man up. (sorry I just say that a lot). Do what's best for yourself. A relationship is supposed to help you grow as a person and you guys grow as a couple. What good is it to just wait around for another bruise to appear?

Get your head out of the clouds and come back down to earth a little. Sorry to be blunt, I am only trying to help.

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Originally Posted by gina

Sorry but I think that's a really really shitty idea.

You are ONLY 19. Why be in a relationship if you know it's pretty much doomed? This is gonna waste a lot of time and emotion on your part. And what if you become more attached to him? It's only gonna be harder when it inevitably ends.

And you can't just forget about the fucking obvious hickeys he had. This is such a pisspoor relationship, there's just no point.

Seriously. Find your balls. Man up. (sorry I just say that a lot). Do what's best for yourself. A relationship is supposed to help you grow as a person and you guys grow as a couple. What good is it to just wait around for another bruise to appear?

Get your head out of the clouds and come back down to earth a little. Sorry to be blunt, I am only trying to help.

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I understand what you are saying and I really do appreciate that you are saying it bluntly.

I just don't know how to do it... I can't.. I like him so much more than anyone else before.. but, again, I am only 19 and I'm sure there are more guys I will like.

I've never broken up with someone I still like, so I don't know how to go about it...
Plus, we work together.. if I break up with him work won't be nearly as fun... (my one manager calls me heartbreaker because I always break up with my bfs lol.. this would just fuel his fire)

I can't let such a silly excuse stop me I suppose... I'll work on it I guess... or try to.

I really have to say.. this is fantastic advice. Very persuasive. I really appreciate it...

I can relate. A sinking ship is still fun to be on until it submerges, even if it's already hit the iceberg.

My strong advice is to get out of it now -- it'll be easier to get over than it will be if you wait, and you'll also have the benefit of not hating yourself for hanging on to it till the last possible minute.

My advice is to get out of it now, because it's not what I did.

Break up with him.

Even if he isn't cheating on you, you've got no trust or communication. It's not worth your time to work on that when you're 19 years old.

Dating a co-worker is your first mistake. This guy may possibly be cheating on you, and you accept it. That's your second mistake. Bad sex destroys relationships, or in your case no sex. Trust is the key in any relationship. Doubting his loyalty shows your lack of trust. Time to break up with this guy and say NEXT.

And now the last update on this matter:

I finally broke up with him. He helped me of course..
He texted me and told me he kissed a mutual friend.

I obviously am an idiot.
So we're done.

Eh, you're not an idiot. I don't think any of us judge you harshly (at least I definitely don't).

Congratulations on jettisoning something that wasn't too good for you.

you would only be an idiot if you continued to hang on that sinking ship.

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Originally Posted by gwahir

Eh, you're not an idiot. I don't think any of us judge you harshly (at least I definitely don't).

Congratulations on jettisoning something that wasn't too good for you.

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Sorry that it didn't work out, but, on the bright side, it ended now rather than later--after you were more attached, enough to fall into an emotional wreck.

Your "mutual friend" is a ho. Slap dat ho.

And like the others said, you're not an idiot. You would be an idiot if you didn't wonder about these things and didn't think 'em through before acting.

Sometimes it just sucks to be right.