Printable View
I wear my gun in my soul, Its safer there than it is in my hand,
The trigger is upstairs and the barrel is a pen,
The squeeze of the finger is the flag that I hold,
Hate and consumer buisness, the same power in different brands,
Love and the laughter at the dinner table, Just one more thing to be sold
what is the point of this poem? did you just take a couple of word combinations and slut them together because they seemed artistic?
there is no real imagery here, there is no underlying point in the subtext of the poem that ties the ideas together to make a greater statement. There is no form being cleverly turned around or even used effectively. The statements you make are broad and trite in their obviousness, but they don't seem to link together in any meaningful way.
i can only conclude that you are jerking off with a pen and paper, and claiming it's great.
the man with the golden gun becomes forgetful in his old ageQuote:
Originally Posted by Mr Lucifer
This is a brilliant set of words put together. The rest is literally just pure, pointless drivel.Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Lucifer
You could take that part and use it for something better. Otherwise I recommend you study poetry a lot more before you continue.
Thank you simonj, its nice to see constructive criticism as opposed to the likes of coqauvin's un-called for hostility towards everything i write. I would'nt say the rest of it is drivel, but nor am i going to explain each line in turn, that would be amazingly pointless. As for studying poetry, i have (albeit not in any great depth) but i genuinly find it relaxing and entertaining to write poetry. One doesnt need to be outstanding at an artform to persue it, as the dear golden oldie goes, practice makes perfect.
Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes better.
Besides, it's not as if you're actually practising. You're just doing the same boring stuff over and over with no regard for educated criticism.
i offered more constructive criticism than simonj did.
i'm telling you structural flaws with what you're doing. you think I am only doing it out of spite - this is only half true. the other half is the actual shit that is wrong with your shit, and you can ignore it on your high horse, but it just leaves you open to more of my commentary
This is true.Quote:
Originally Posted by coqauvin
And I would like to add that I one hundred per cent agree with everything coqauvin has said. I just liked that one line.
You really do not seem to understand writing. If you only do it because it's cathartic then that's fine, but why post it here? I think too much has been made about your overall grammar when, in all fairness, it's not that important in this context. We all know exactly what you're saying and what you're doing and we can see past the awful standard of English. Your content is appalling though and I don't understand why you continually post your stuff here.