Standup routine

I, like most of you, really enjoy stand up comedy. I for one could never go it as I don't have the confidence, but I always wondered if I could write a set that could be told as a standup routine, so I started to work on one. This is still a work in progress, I got some ideas that I am still working on, I have only one idea that I've managed to fully form and was wanting to know what people thought of it.

<link regarding health problems>

Health problems are something that we all have, even I. Sometimes they can be serious like cancer, sometimes they can be mundane and sometimes they can be embarassing. Embarassing ones are probably the worst, indeed they are the worst. Sometimes they can be a mix of embarassing and serious which takes illness to a whole new level, such as testicular cancer. You find a lump on your balls....what do you do? People have died from this illness purely because they didn't want to tell anyone. The idea of a slow death to some people has been preferable to dangling your nads infront of a doctor. I think I would be the same, I already know that I have a small cock and I don't need you knowing too.

So anyway, I currently have an embarassing health problem, and I don't know what to do about it. When you go for a shit and then wipe your arse, what colour is the toilet paper? I assume for most of you it is brown, maybe a little green, but mostly brown. More often than not for me it is brown with a big dollup of blood mixed in.

I have heard shitting blood isn't a good thing. So I worry, what if something is seriously wrong? I could die if I don't get it seen to. However, when compared to the alternative...I am not so sure. I cannot be sure where it is coming from, that is my biggest concern. Is the blood an unwelcome passenger, riding bitch on the shit train? Or...ok, I think it is best that I explain this next bit.

When I wipe my arse, I am thorough, I really go to town on my arse. Mainly because it is hairy...don't ask me how I know that, I'm not gay, it just is. Women, be thankful that you don't need to deal with this, but when we men shit, we essentially get shit on our pubes, our arse pubes. Now lets imagine you got some shit in your hair for a second, what would you do? Some of you might shave your head and pretend to have cancer, others will wash it with shampoo and other products as soon as possible, and everyone would keep it a secret, I think you can go to hell for that. But that is what happens to a man when he shits, but you can't exactly take a bottle of shampoo to your arse everytime you need a dump.

What if you are out, with some friends for example, having some drinks. You suddenly notice that you need to take a crap, so you head to the toilet and do the deed. You won't find any shampoo or towels in most men's rooms. So what do you do? Carry some arse shampoo with you whenever you go out?

"And new from Gillette, arse shampoo and towel, complete with a stylish new arse bag, the corner stone of the modern man". Of course not, real men don't carry around bags full of grooming products, and I am a real man. So I need to make the best of the only product available to me - toilet roll. Now...as I am sure some of you know, toilet roll doesn't really cut it when it comes to removing shit from hair...I assume. I know this, you know this, so I like to be thorough and often spend upwards of 30 minutes just wiping. Now I am no doctor, but this has to be taking a toll of some sorts on my arse crack...could this be the source of the blood?

Now, I haven't checked of course, I find the idea of hurling my ankles around my neck and dangling a mirror over my crotch morally repulsive and I don't want to go to hell. But the savagry of my arse wipings must have done some damage and this is my big fear:

I go to the doctors, I go in and say "Doc, im shitting blood". "I see..." replies the doctor, "could you just pop off your trousers and underwear and let me take a look?". "Hell no, Im not like that you creep" <mimick a punch and walk away swaggering>, is what I will tell my friends afterwards, you know, to defend my manliness. Of course, I will oblige him, so I am standing there, naked from the waist down, pulling my cheeks apart to allow visual entry, probably under severe mental strain...mentally warning my penis "don't you dare get hard on me, I command you not to get hard", because as far as poor timing goes, this would be right up there.

I mean how do you talk your way out of that one? You can't. I struggle to think of a situation that is more akward than this. Imagine if someone were to walk in? It would be like stumbling upon a late night coke party at Boy George's house. You just know if god is watching, in which case he probably is, as he see's everything, that you are going straight to hell. Come to think of it, God must have the largest porn collection in history. I think it is funny when christians call homosexuals "perverts" when the invisible superman they worship watches everything...people on the can...pensioners having sex...children bathing, God basically has an inbuilt child porn feed straight into his head. If only the internet had existed when they invented God. Anyway, wow could you go on living, knowing that you got an erection at such a moment? How could you look another human being in the eye ever again?

Anyway, I am not gay so of course I'd never get an erection, fuck you if you thought I would. I can just picture the suspicious look on his face when he manages to get a good, long hard look at my gaping anus. "So...have you engaged in any homosexual activity in the past 6 months?", "uhm, no...I haven't...no sir, no way", "I see..." mutters the doctor, "Only the state of your anus says different". Now, even though I have a perfectly non gay explanation for this, it is easy to see how a doctor might confuse an anus suffering from years of hardcore wiping, with that of an anus ravaged by years of aids and male sex organs.

So do you see my dilemma? Embarassing illnesses are the worst. Those baldy, pale cancer patients think they have it tough. But they don't. They are only going to die. They don't need to walk into a doctors surgery and position themselves in such a manner as to sugges thatt a sickening act of homosexual buggary, which is the worst kind, was about to ensue.

--end of that part.

What do you think? Obviously, it is a work in progress and I have more stuff that I am still trying to nail down, that is the first complete segment and was wondering if that was even amusing in the slightest.

I wasn't amused, but that is because I read it. Obviously, you are a creative and imaginative person, but you really need to try your material at an open mic night and find your vibe.

Yea I know, it isn't the same reading something. Do you think if you heard someone say that stuff on stage that it could be ok?

Almost anything can be funny said onstage. This is not funny in itself, but could be a nice enough routine. It'd depend on your delivery. You'd need to be incredibly generous, warm and likeable -- your material isn't funny or fresh enough for you to get away with the angry or aloof comic act.

I showed it to some friends, they got a little chuckle out of it. Thanks for your input, I wasn't going for the angry style, I know I could never pull it off. What I think it really lacks is a punchline to finish it off. I've got another peice of material, this too is lacking a punchline to end it. This one would fit in just before the health problem one, providing a link to it, but again it lacks a punchline at the end, something I need to work on, but Ill post it, I'd like some feedback.

So, paedophiles, the parents worst nightmare. There is a lot of fear about these guys, especially in the media and around the mid nineties it really hit fever pitch. I was just a kid back then and I remember the fear. Watching the news, you'd be forgiven for thinking one might pop out of your mail and molest you on the spot.

I grew up in a rural village, surrounded by countryside, and me and my friends used to love going for walks. It was only natural that we got caught up in the hysteria and we were forver hearing tales of how some kid would be out for a walk, and they would rest up against a tree, but the tree was a paedophile and they would narrowly escape a beasting, and it was scary. Like I said, we enjoyed the country side, as did alot of people. We would always pass some random man, or group of guys and over time we began to worry when this happened.

So to aid us, we devised a test, which would enable us to detect one. It was simple really, we would howl abuse and throw stones at any passers by and if they came after us, they must be paedo's. Turns out the entire village was full of them. And in our village, it was common for old men to go walking, they had built a shelter out in the fields along with a series of pathways for them to walk. Naturally we would run into them alot and you know, to keep safe, we would subject them to our paedo test. After a while they must have got annoyed at constantly failing and 2 of them decided to spring a trap.

We had ventured into some marshland which we didn't know very well. The two who followed us did and unbenown to us, they had managed to catch upto us and were lurking behind some bushes. We eventually got close to these bushes and I can just imagine what was going through the old mens heads, thoughts of revenge and getting their own back at us, for outing them as paedophiles. Then something happened which turned the situation on its head.

One of my friends needed a piss, so went over to the bush the men were hiding behind and began to pee. Now, instead of waiting to spring their stealthy trap, they were now sitting there, hidden from sight, watching a small boy pee. I can only begin to imagine what was going through their heads. And in the time they took, sitting in shock, pondering their prediciment, we spotted them. One quickly ran out and said "got yas!" as if to make out he had only just arrived. But we knew he hadn't. "You were watching him pee, you old pervert" we cried. "No, nu-uh, we just got here" the old dude said in a vain attempt to hide what he had seen. It didn't work though and we sent them packing. Sent them in shame. They chased us for wrongfully calling them paedophiles and in the process went and did something which was "accidently" paedophillic.

They probably went home and killed themselves, poor old bastards. But the paedomania sweeping the village was insane and it quickly spiralled out of hand. There was this old man, who lived across from the school. He was known as Willy Shakey, I presumed he got called shakey because he was struggling to hold back the pent up paedophillic rage. It was common knowledge that you crossed him at your peril, for he was some sort of super paedo who could run like the wind with the agility of a cat, and he never stopped, couldn't feel pain, he was quite literally unstoppable.

One day the entire school playground was out, facing his house, shouting names. We never saw any sign of him though, but we could imagine what terrible things he had to be planning, you know, because he was an elderly man who lived on his own across from a school. So me and my friends decided to taunt the beast and get the chase of our lives. We planned it for weeks and finally the night came. We went around, bragging to our friends "We are gonna get a chase from Willy Shakey" and the colour instantly drained from their shocked faces as they pleaded "Don't do it man, its just too dangerous, he is insane". Arrogantly, we shrugged it off and went to his house. We opened with the age old favourite, knocking his door and running away. Nothing. Time to turn the heat up, so we started to shout abuse. Nothing. Our hearts were racing, waiting any second for the door to fly off its hinges. Nothing happened though.

So we started to throw stones at his windows. I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest, the tension was so high. Surely this would enrage the beast. Nothing happened. We must have been there for about an hour, but no sign of life came from his house. Dissapointed and slightly relieved, we went away.

A few years later I learned how he got the name "Shakey". Turns out it wasn't the result of all that pent up, paedo rage. He was near crippled with Parkinsons disease. The reason the door didn't fly off its hinges as if the gates of hell had been opened was because he could barely move and had a serious mobility impairment. And when I learned this...I quickly realised how bad this whole paedomania had been. We ended up tormenting a severely disabled old man purely as a result of an overactive imagination. You should have seen what happened when Stephen Hawking came to town.

---end there.

Like I said, no killer punch line, although I do think ending it with his illness, and using it as a link to the OP would be ok, but the ending still needs some work. Aside from the obvious shortcomings, was that any good at all?

I enjoyed it more as a story, but the ending was kind of cruel and doesn't fit your hapless style of comedy too much.

I really didn't know how to end it. You felt that it was cruel? Fair enough. I was aiming for more along the lines of "here is an excellent example of public fear being taken too far", hoping the joke was more on us, since we had did this terrible thing. Regardless, it still needs work.

Story humour is the kind I think that I prefer. I don't like one liners, so a story held together with a series of jokes and humour work best for me, that was what I was hoping at least to construct with these 2 pieces. They probably need a few more jokes inserted, I have already came up with one or two improvements, but I am still unsure about how to form a proper, laugh out loud ending. I was hoping the ending of the paedophile one would get a laugh, at the stupidity of it all, but I can see how it could leave a rather sour taste.

It does illustrate your point, but tormenting a guy with Parkinson's as a story closer isn't really... I dunno... It doesn't convalesce. You're not making light of the situation, it's not a punchline, but it just kind of happens. Which is good if you're going for a lecture, but it is kind of a downer.

If you ended it with something like... "We ended up tormenting a severely disabled man just because of an overactive imagination... and don't even get me started on the time we met Franky Roosevelt/Mikey J. Fox."

Personally, I would go wtih Roosevelt because it's slightly more absurd.

or something. End it with a joke. You end it with something like that, you can still segue into the bit about healthcare.

Thanks you Mal. That is a much better closer.

I have some more stuff, this though isn't fully formed, its in draft form, but I will throw it out there anyway, hopefully it will allow me to better refine it. To explain the angle I am going for, it is an attempt at satirizing the way in which popular culture can come to idolise things that they really shouldn't. And I am focusing on the rise of pimping (pimp my ride and all that) and looking to derive humour from the sheer stupidity of this, and also try to likening it as much as possible to business management.

The comparisons still need some work, there aren't enough jokes in it, I feel it needs more in order to get across what I am trying to do, in its current form it might come across as a bit patronising, but I think with more comparison jokes it will become less like this and more obvious what I am aiming for. I also intend to then turn it really on the show pimp my ride and ridicule the absurdity of its name, I am still working on that and intend to add more and is my way, I don't have a good joke to end it with. I think it is a decent base to work from, but I'd like some opinion.

:

old version

So, I have been a student for sometime now. And I found that the student life actually led me to withdraw from society to an extent. Now that I just finished university, I decided that I should try to get back in. So I have been looking for something cool, something that the kids are into and I thought I had found it.

The term "pimp" has cropped up in the popular lexicon in recent years, with shows like pimp my ride and hip hop music. So I thought I would try my hand at pimping, or to phrase it properly, pimp it to the max, yo. And as you all know, pimp my ride is a show where a rapper goes around pimping cars. However, upon further research into the field of pimpology, it appears that I have been grossly misled.

What the show refers to as "pimping", is actually what civillised people have refered to for many years as car modification. It turns out that pimping has a totally different meaning from the one conveyed by popular culture, it's true, and I feel that it is my duty to report on this. You see, pimps are actually employed within the prostitution industry. They basically manage the prostitutes, they represent the management tier in the prostitution industry. They are resonpsible for delegating tasks to the girls, keeping them motivated, disciplining the girls and general supervision.

This sounds fair enough, right? Take her into his office, explain the situation, give her a verbal warning as her first strike, a written for second and if she does it again, well we are sorry but I have to let you go. Wrong. Turns out that this particular industry tends to deviate from normal business practice. The verbal warning is a ferocious torrent of abuse, the written letter takes the form of a brutal beating and the sacking, well, the prostitution industry appears to be a very forgiving one, they don't like to let the girls go, its a pretty low staff turnover...on account of the rampant slavery involved.

However, the day in the life of a pimp entails more than just this. You see, after the hooker has degraded herself for a paltry sum of money, the majority of the proceeds go back the the pimp. This is encouraging, as this side of the industry is more in line with general business practices, they do none of the work, but take all of the credit. So they get to keep the majority of the money, or in some cases all, because they have to do all the hard work. They need to keep their staff motivated, by using the money to score some smack in order to coerce the pale, traumatised rattling girls into performing, or to scare them shitless with punishment beatings if their continually underperform. This is high stress stuff, and quality standards must be adhered to.

And upon learning this, it struck me that the use of the word pimp in the show pimp my ride was actually very innapropriate. It is a bit like rebranding art restoration as "wife beating", some researchers uncover an old painting but it is in bad condition so they get in some wifebeaters to wifebeat it back to pristine condition, or when you hire in the violent sex offenders to take your delapodated(sp) old house and totally sex offence it into something that is totally bitchin and befitting of your bad self, yo.

Let us imagine for a second that the production team behind pimp my ride were to hear this, and maybe alter the content in order to make the name more appropriate. How exactly does one go about pimping a car? Do you need to network with car fetish freaks, renting them out by the hour? Allowing utter creeps to stick their dick into the exhaust and girate on the bonnet? What if the car doesn't live up to the customers satisfaction? Do you then get a load of the boyz round to tune it up with a sledgehammer? How do you beat a car into giving better sex? Could the lure of nitrous oxide entice them to get dirty?

I know what you are thinking, "stop, this is getting silly now, cars cannot actually feel stuff", that is true, and I am glad you feel this way, however when you consider the mentality of the people who make pimp my ride, I think these are fair questions to ask. Important questions.

So, I have been a student for sometime now. And I found that the student life actually led me to withdraw from society to an extent. Now that I just finished university, I decided that I should try to get back in. So I have been looking for something cool, something that the kids are into and I thought I had found it.

The term "pimp" has cropped up in the popular lexicon in recent years, with shows like pimp my ride and hip hop music. So I thought I would try my hand at pimping, or to phrase it properly, pimp it to the max, yo. And as you all know, pimp my ride is a show where a rapper goes around pimping cars. However, upon further research into the field of pimpology, it appears that I have been grossly misled.

What the show refers to as "pimping", is actually what civillised people have refered to for many years as car modification. It turns out that pimping has a totally different meaning from the one conveyed by popular culture, it's true, and I feel that it is my duty to report on this. You see, pimps are actually employed within the prostitution industry. They basically manage the prostitutes, they represent the management tier in the prostitution industry. When a prostitute finds herself in breach of company policy, or mad pimp rules yo, they have the task of disciplining them.

This sounds fair enough, right? Take her into his office, explain the situation, give her a verbal warning as her first strike, a written for second and if she does it again, well we are sorry but I have to let you go. Wrong. Turns out that this particular industry tends to deviate from normal business practice. The verbal warning is a ferocious torrent of abuse, the written letter takes the form of a brutal beating and the sacking, well its more of the same. The prostitution industry appears to be a very forgiving one, they don't like to let the girls go, its a pretty low staff turnover...on account of the rampant slavery involved.

However, the day in the life of a pimp entails more than just this. You see, after the hooker has degraded herself for a paltry sum of money, the majority of the proceeds go back the the pimp. This is encouraging, as this side of the industry is more in line with general business practices, they do none of the work, but take all of the credit. So they get to keep the majority of the money, or in some cases all, because they have to do all the hard work. They need to keep their staff motivated, by using the money to score some smack in order to coerce the pale, traumatised rattling girls into performing, or to scare them shitless with punishment beatings if their continually underperform. This is high stress stuff, and quality standards must be adhered to.

And upon learning this, it struck me that the use of the word pimp in the show pimp my ride was actually very innapropriate. It is a bit like rebranding art restoration as "wife beating", some researchers uncover an old painting but it is in bad condition so they get in some wifebeaters to wifebeat it back to pristine condition, or when you hire in the violent sex offenders to take your delapodated(sp) old house and violently sex offend it into something that is totally bitchin and befitting of your bad self, yo.

Let us imagine for a second that the production team behind pimp my ride were to hear this, and maybe alter the content in order to make the name more appropriate. How exactly does one go about pimping a car? Do you need to network with car fetish freaks, renting them out by the hour? Allowing utter creeps to stick their dick into the exhaust and girate on the bonnet? What if the car doesn't live up to the customers satisfaction? Do you then get a load of the boyz round to tune it up with a sledgehammer? How do you beat a car into giving better sex? Could the lure of nitrous oxide entice them to get dirty?

I know what you are thinking, "stop, this is getting silly now, cars cannot actually feel stuff", that is true, and I am glad you feel this way, however when you consider the mentality of the people who make pimp my ride, I think these are fair questions to ask. Important questions. And one of the reasons I bring this up, a few years ago I was coming home from college and I met an old friend. We were discussing what we wanted to do with our lives and he said "I want to be a pimp". This struck me as an odd career choice, but it then became obvious that he didn't understand what it was that he just said.

And I worry people might start to take words like pimp, which are actually pretty serious, and attach less harmful meaning to them. Case in point, I was on the train last week when this guy, late teens gets on with his friends and they sit across from me. He then says how his sister had a birthday party the week before and that he and his friends were all rapists and decided to rape at her party in order to practice their raping skills. By the sounds of it, they totally raped the socks off the party and I think his family was really impressed with his raping skills. Of course, he was a musician and was in a band with his friends, but they had been watching MTV's rape my music, more of a concept than a show which MTV have been doing for a very long time now.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gismo

When I wipe my arse, I am thorough, I really go to town on my arse. Mainly because it is hairy...don't ask me how I know that, I'm not gay, it just is.

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I think anyone knows whether or not their ass is hairy. It's not a question of being gay. If you said, "my friend's ass is hairy..." well then there you go.

Suggestion: It's risky to post your routine on the internet. You don't know who's reading it, and there's potential for people to take jokes.

As an aspiring stand up comic myself, I keep all my routine ideas in a notebook and I tell no one (except for my parents) about ideas and thoughts I have. It's just for your protection of your comedy styles and your writing. (I'm not going to steal anything.)

Another thing is to put yourself in the audiences' many pairs of shoes. You have good ideas, I just feel like the explainations may be a bit long winded. Remember: Your audience came there to be entertained. They're not really looking for big long explainations of the joke. I understand the story-format is what you wanna work with, but keep in mind the people you're telling it to. I'm talking about the OP.

And one more suggestion: Don't say to your audience "I know what you're thinking." Especially if you are bombing, the audience won't want to be told what they're thinking. Because all you need is that one asshole heckler saying, "No, I'm not thinking that." or something. Avoid that and use, "Some people might think..." or even just "And I think..."

Just some help.

Gismo your routines work much better as humorous anecdotes/short stories than I can conceive them doing as stand up.

The first example you gave us feels disgusting and it doesn't have the controversial elements which make extreme material 'palatable' on stage. Disgusting material is hard to do right in front of an audience. It's very easy for you to alienate the audience and make them feel uncomfortable because they're essentially watching a bloke talking about wiping blood from his rectum. I'd possibly cut the homophobia too. If you're at a working men's club it might get a few chuckles but the way you've worded it is too aggressive and, again, you run the risk of alienating your audience. If it's read in one's head, however, it feels much more appropriate because one's own head is a very private place where you're much more free from revulsion.

The second one is indeed funny but is maybe too rambly and self-indulgent. An audience would very quickly get bored during some of the lengthier descriptions in there and it often takes too long to get to any real punchlines and, as you already know, it lacks a decent ending that gives enough of a kick to make the story seem worth it. Although it does manage satire well and it certainly shows great comic potential. Just, as I've said, it would work better if you tweak it a little and make it into more of a short piece of satire. The kind of thing one might find in a newspaper or the back pages of The New Statesman or the CIF section of www.guardian.com

The third piece is definitely my favourite. It's a great little piece of satire and, apart from a couple of changes I would personally make, I'd say it's perfect. I can even see this one working really well on stage with the right delivery. As it stands though, I believe it works much better as a short piece of writing than it would as a performance.

So that's my two cents. I am also an aspiring comedian so, if you do ever decide to go for it then I truly wish you the best of luck. But, I do believe that your writing style would make you a better satirist/humorist than a performing comedian. Of course, saying that, I have no idea how you would be on stage and how you would handle your material. A small piece of advice I would offer is to write some shorter, more succinct jokes to open a performance with (these 'hook' the audience in and put them on your side).

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gina

And one more suggestion: Don't say to your audience "I know what you're thinking." Especially if you are bombing, the audience won't want to be told what they're thinking. Because all you need is that one asshole heckler saying, "No, I'm not thinking that." or something. Avoid that and use, "Some people might think..." or even just "And I think..."

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I have to disagree with Gina on this point. The phrase "I know what you're thinking" is a very effective utterance to use on stage. All you need to do is use the correct intonation (generally either an over-assertive or a slightly-sarcastic tone of voice). If you do get some asshole heckler shouting "no you don't!" or "that wasn't what I was thinking!" then you just keep your confidence and correct them with "yes I do" or "yes it was" appropriately. Heckles aren't too bad, generally they're something stupid yelled by someone who's drunk enough to think they're as funny as you. As long as you remain calm, confident and don't get bogged down in your own thoughts then comebacks are usually easy. It doesn't hurt to write a few generic ones to memorize just in case though (just don't rely on them).

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Gina, the whole hairy ass thing was supposed to be a satire on the many insecurities over their sexuality that men have, what's gay, what isn't, that sort of thing. Yea, I was a bit worried about posting these on the internet, but I doubt anyone will steal them

I will never perform these, I couldn't. I had a speech impediment as a kid, it is all but gone now but I sometimes have trouble just speaking aloud. I also don't have the confidence. I don't have the charm or the composure to actually do it. I think I would really need to have confidence to be able to perform story based jokes.

I know what you mean about the length. For these to work, they need more jokes in them. I like story based jokes, onces which are paved with little jokes, these ones need some more, or preferabbly shortened. I have been going over some of them in my head and I realise just how long winded some of this stuff is.

Your feedback has been very useful guys. The pimp routine, I have been rewritting this in my head constantly. Going to edit it and rework some of the jokes. I think as a story based one, this has the most promise as it has more jokes laden across it.

Now, working as a satirist, I wonder how you go about doing that. I could never perform standup as a living, even if I reworked my material enough, the nerves of standing up would really get to me, but I'd love to be a comedic writer/satirist.

I am glad to see some aspiring comic's replying to this. Who are your influences? I think part of the reason my routines are stretched out a bit is that I am a big fan of Stewart Lee, who is famous for sometimes labouring his buildup, you can only get away with that if you are established I feel. I love Ricky Gervais as a standup, his use of sarcasm is excellent. Big fan of Bill Hicks, social critics are my favourite type of comedian, not always the most funny, but they challenge you to think.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by gismo

Gina, the whole hairy ass thing was supposed to be a satire on the many insecurities over their sexuality that men have, what's gay, what isn't, that sort of thing.

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Right, we all get that you were making fun of homophobia. The problem isn't the content of the joke, it's the actual structure. It doesn't make sense to make a gay joke about knowing whether your own ass is hairy or not. You would know your ass is hairy because it's your ass. It wouldn't take a gay experience to figure that out about yourself. It's a bit of a stretch to correlate your own hairy ass with a gay joke unless you mention someone else (a male) telling you how hairy your ass is or something.

Like, "((My Friend/Bloke)) says I have an ass hairier than most. Uh, don't ask how he knows that."

I don't need to call TBS, this is just not funny.

Well, good effort but a whole section on blood from your butt? More nasty than funny in my opinion. Also... Those baldy, pale cancer patients think they have it tough. But they don't. They are only going to die" is the worst sentence I've heard in a while. I know that some how making fun of terminally ill cancer patients is funny to people (Iguess), but I think that its just tasteless and not going to go over well with an audience. Most people know someone who has cancer, so it might hit too close to home foir some people watching. I am suprised that you didnt say "but I dont want to go to hell" after that sentence, because you said that like 10 times already.

Just so you know I love stand up comedy and I thought that giving you my honest opinion on your set would help you more than hurt you. Sorry man I'm not trying to be mean.

I actually laughed at the Pimp My Ride bit and found it verrrry amusing.