Interesting Nature Fact, with Colby Farnham, PhD
Interesting Nature Fact!
By
Colby Farnham, PhD.
I’ve studied a lot of animals over the many years that I attended the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in west Texas, and also as a travel journalist for a women’s hygiene magazine. Finding out interesting tidbits about bugs and fruit is one my many hobbies, one that I like to share with as many people as possible (sometimes, I’ll write down the facts on a cardboard box top and hold it on the corner, although it may look like it says “I’m Homeless”), so I figured what better way than a newsletter.
Welcome to Interesting Nature Fact by Colby Farnham, PhD.
Here’s something I bet you didn’t know about scorpions!
Scorpions are nature’s crabs. They just slide along the ground, and sometimes, it’s very difficult to keep track of how many are around you at once, especially if you’re at a scorpion fight (these are not as exciting as they sound, and are often two scorpions shouting back and forth about whose turn it is to DO THE DISHES, MARTHA! And then they break a plate) or at a scorpion store (a place where scorpions buy suits). Scorpions tend to be deadly, not only because of their claws and venom, but also because they are innately born with 9mm semiautomatic handguns attached to their backs. They only display these when riled, however.
The most fascinating thing about the scorpion, though, is the strange way it can mate. It can mate in all the normal ways – missionary, doggy (see Kama Sutra for more in depth mating techniques and pictures, and commentary by John Madden) and various other positions. The one NOT covered in most texts or nature shows is simply called The Scorpion Ball.
The Alpha scorpion of the group evolves something called a ‘recall trigger’, a condensed gas that, when picked up on the wind, can travel for up to 14.234 miles (further if in Kenya). This gas attracts scorpions to the release point, whereupon they climb atop the Alpha of the group. Soon, they form a large ball that can range from the size of a baseball, to a small polar bear! If you see one of these, do not be afraid, unless it is the polar bear sized one (or a real polar bear – these are not to be fucked with, as to them, you are a delicious spam dinner). The gentle motion of the rolling scorpion ball on skin is said to be a form of relaxation, so much so that while writing AND delivering the Gettysburg Address, Abraham Lincoln is said to have had a scorpion ball under his top hat. Also, he had one under his top hat during Our American Cousin, which is why he refused to take off the hat during the performance, much to the chagrin of the person seated behind him, a John Wilkes Boothe.
In any case, the scorpion ball will roll and roll until the Alpha has had enough sex, or until the ball rolls over the 35 mile mark. The ball will summarily come apart, with every single scorpion pregnant, including, for some unknown reason, the Alpha. They will scatter to the four winds, never to see each other again. Alpha will continually neglect to pay child support, nor will it try to involve itself with the children, even though it said it loved them. All of them. Oh, the sweet, sweet lies. Maybe we should call the Alpha FRANK, that jerkass.
In any case, I hope today was educational for you!
This has been Colby Farnham, PhD, with your nature fact.
