An Epic Conversation between the Gods
[Odin, Ra, Thor, and Poseidon are sitting around in a plain white room about 30 feet by 30 feet wide, discussing their college days. There is no ceiling, only a carpeted floor and a wooden door with no windows. There is an Original Xbox plugged into a beaten up widescreen TV. Some chairs and a sofa lie around the TV. There are empty beer bottles spread across the floor, and a table covered with Doritos Nacho Cheesier, potato chips, and pretzels on top of an empty pizza box. Various sided dice, pens, paper and rulebooks are scattered across the floor to the right of the Xbox.]
(God Slang: Prime=Earth, Change=Souls)
Odin: Yeah so I was down on the Prime a few thousand years ago, give or take a few hundred years… I’ll be honest I was pretty fucking wasted at the time… I don’t remember much.
Ra: Yeah, I’ve had a few of those buddy
Odin: All I remember is that I was chillin’ with my homies at some bitchin’ after party, we had just conquered Greenland, when all of a sudden I wake up and I’m hanging from a goddamn Oak tree with a longassed stick JUTTING from my Goddamned spleen, I’m missing an eye, and besides the massive hangover I had spontaneously developed sorcerous power in my… uh… Well when I was asleep.
Thor: Ah! I remember that! Oh man we didn’t let you live that one down for a good 600 years *laughs*.
Odin: Yeah yeah keep laughing. Jackass. Just for that I’m whoring the rocket launcher in Halo 2 for the next 12 years.
Poseidon: I think in that time we’ll have a new game to play…
Thor: NO GAME… WILL EVER… REPLACE HALO…….. I should cut out your blasphemous tongue for even THINKING such miserable thoughts! Besides, who made you God of Fortunetelling?
Odin: (Talking over Thor) Then I’ll whore it in that game too! I will be the biggest, dirtiest, filthiest, most despicable, STD ridden whore, so much so that none of you will be able to look a prostitute in the eyes for the rest of your miserable existences!
(Poseidon shrugs) Well… back of topic… There was one time, back in my Bi-Polar days, I got pissed off at a bunch of my favorite followers for some stupid thing or another… something involving Athens and some douche bag named Plato, actually he was a great Satirical writer, constantly writing joke articles mocking current events and politics, brilliant guy. Oh… erm yeah sorry… uhh…… Yeah well I was like WTF?! Assholes! And sunk their entire continent. No survivors.
Ra: (Chugs half a beer, emptying it) Sorry man, but I don’t see you as the Bi-Polar type… Well… When you just woke up I can, but that’s about it… (Tosses bottle over shoulder)
Poseidon: Yeah, I’m on Prozac now, I’m doing a lot better.
*A knock at the door causes Odin to get up excitedly and run over to it*
Odin: (Opens door) WHERE THE HELL WHERE YOU!? And What in Your name are you wearing!?
*Enter The Christian God and Dionysus, dressed in Togas*
Dionysus: ‘Eyyy!!! (Hugs Ra)
TCG: Ehh, good ol’ Dionysus here made us wear what he calls “Traditional garb…” There’s a reason I made my first worshippers walk naked you know! Oh and besides that the traffic was horrible.. You know how congested route 777 is this time of year…
Odin: It took you 87 years to get here and you blame the traffic…? Oh whatever a party's a party come the hell in!
Ra: (Sniffs Dionysus) I smell… Sex, drugs, alcohol, about 4 different women….. At the same time… and regret on you…
Dionysus (Unphased) Sounds like a good time to me.
Poseidon: Well, since we were just discussing our college days and various horrible plagues we’ve put upon mortals who pissed us off or prayed too much, and I know that YOU have some interesting stories to tell, God… Why don’t you… ENLIGHTEN us… please?
(Everyone but TCG snickers)
Ra: Or better yet, why don’t you CONVERT us to your point of view.
(More snickers, everyone moves over to the TV and takes a seat)
Odin: Please, don’t make us CRUSADE you to tell us.
TCG: No seriously, fuck you guys. (Grabs a bottle of beer, sits on the couch next to Ra and takes a swig)
Well. I might as well… Got a good 200 Years before I’m due anywhere. My son Jesus is headin’ back to the Prime then… I promised him I’d go and watch as he performs various miracles in my name. It’s amazing the things kids do to impress their parents. (Takes another drink) Well once upon a time… I convinced a bunch of animal sacrificing primitives that I created them, when in reality I kidnapped them, tossed them into a random garden in the Middle East and called in paradise. Fast forward a few hundred years, and I got totally, completely shitfaced, and when I woke up late for work, I was balls deep in water and it was raining like a bitch. Now, being the merciful God that I am, quickly apologized and took some random schizo that survived in a big assed boat and gave him a fresh start and a bottle of lithium. Poor guy thought he managed to put 2 of every animal on board his boat… I never bothered to correct the poor guy. (Smiles) Oh those were fun days… back before my ex wife made me go to AA.
Ra: You were an alcoholic?
TCG: Duh… Haven’t you ever read the fucking Old Testament?
Poseidon: Yeah, I have a bone to pick with you about that. Whats with this whole “I am the one and only god, no other god before me” bullshit? I’m older then you!
TCG: Hey! I never said that! My followers tend to be a bit jealous, power-hungry, and more then uncommonly schizophrenic, and they tend to have a tendency to… exaggerate a bit…
And by exaggerate I mean flat out lie.
Dionysus: That makes a lot of sense actually.
Odin: Oh, you guys want to try out that new campaign Idea that I thought of?
Ra: Sure, why the hell not, we got time to blow.
Dionysus: I promised I’d call my girlfriends when I got here… Of course by now their most likely dead of old age… So yeah sure what the hell?
(They proceed to play Advanced Dungeons and Dragons for the next 2 years.)
