Repost. Message from God.
This was posted on LWS a few years back... and I have no idea who wrote it.
but it bears repeating.
Sorry I fucked up that whole "Second Coming" thing, Jesus and I went fishing with Albert Einstein, Pat Tillman and Mitch Hedburg, and well, one thing lead to another and I got totally wasted, dude you should have seen me.
Ahem. Right.
So, I nipped down to Earth for a little bit, and Holy fuck wow you guys have a lot of work to do if you're hoping for anything but a horrible death. Here's the shortlist:
1) So, I know that whole "Jesus" thing sort of confused some of you, what with abolishing the covenant with Moses, so here's a quick guide to what parts of the Old Testament really matter:
THOU SHALT NOT FUCKING KILL, ANYONE, EVER, FOR ANY REASON.
The rest of it is pretty much commentary, really. Anything you're not sure about, like, for instance, that whole thing with Sodom and Gohmorrah (how the fuck is that spelled, someone tell Johnny Cash to return my damn dictionary) and how I feel about gays, default to what Jesus would do in that situation, which brings me to number two on the list. (hehehehe)
2) Jesus, my one and only son, my pride and joy, died for your sins. I am not going to quibble about stupid shit like denomination, or religion, or sexual orientation, the color of your skin, or superficial shit like that. You are judged by your actions, and your intentions.
So, if anyone tells you that Jesus hates the Jews, or that I hate homosexuals, let me remind you of something.
Jesus, after being beaten for days, after having the flesh torn out of his back, after being whipped and forced to drag a cross around town, the implement of his utter destruction, after falling three times, after being NAILED TO THAT CROSS HOLY FUCK, after having his side cut open with a spear, screamed to me, and I remember this moment VERY CLEARLY, he said to me FORGIVE THEM FATHER, THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO.
FORGIVE THEM. He could have damned them all to a firey grave (I would have listened, too) but no, he asked that their sins be forgiven, that they be FORGIVEN for their transgressions.
I don't care if you're black, asian, white, redheaded, blue-eyed, Protestant, Zorostanian, Pastafarian, what have you, I just want you guys to be GOOD PEOPLE. Is that so damn hard to ask? Would it fucking kill you to toss a few bucks to the homeless every once and a while? Or not be so miserly when it comes to charities?
3) I kicked you guys out of paradise once. I don't want to do it again.
I feel, REALLY bad for the whole thing about Eden, but you guys just didn't listen to me. I am giving you one last chance. If you don't stop skullfucking Mother Earth, I am going to raise HOLY HELL on your ignorant asses, and you will NEVER. STOP. BURNING. I had to remake the Ceolecanth once, if you kill it again, I will kill you all.
I loves me some Ceolecanth.
4) Don't listen to Televangelists, Fred Phelps, or anyone trying to sell a book or push a political agenda. This includes everyone on Fox News.
5) Smile every once and a while. What you have acheived, you have done so by crawling out of the evolutionary pit, and fighting for a comforable existence tooth and nail. The technology you've created is nothing short of astounding.
HOWEVER.
Don't get cocky. I can still bitchslap you fuckers back into the Cretacious period if it strikes my fancy, and now that I mention it, my Smitin' hand has been out of practice lately.
And there you go. A final shout out to the Witchy types (I got your back, girls): Don't listen to Silver Ravenwolf. Whoever she's getting her spells from, it's not the Goddess, and it's not me.
