A Public Service Announcement, from Four
Firstly, I should mention that I'm required by law to give a PSA every so often because of my involvement in a drug cartel (I wasn't selling anything - I can actually smoke 30 lbs of marijuana in a weekend), several online survey scams, a prostitution ring (I still don't think that pimping yourself out to your other personalities is a crime), and a few hundred or so unpaid parking tickets.
Now, for the Public Service Announcement - Sex with Penguins
I know, I know, you've heard it all before. Everyone's doing it, so "what's the big deal?", or "penguin sex is perfectly safe, no one has ever been hurt as a result of fucking a penguin." I used to be that naive. No one told me about the dangers. No one told me about Penguin AIDS. No, instead, I had to find out the hard way. Sure I've had a great time over the years, fucking penguins left and right, but now...now, I have penguin AIDS. There is no known cure for penguin AIDS, and there may never be.
Please, do not cry for me. I don't have any regrets, and yes, if I had the chance, I'd do it all over again. I simply want to educate those of you who are living it up and fucking penguins without any knowledge of the dangers.
I suppose I've just broken the news about the penguin AIDS cover-up for most of you, because so many people are unaware of its existence like I once was. Nearly every famous person that has "died" in the last fifty or so years, actually contracted penguin AIDS. Penguin AIDS doesn't kill you, but rather turns you into a penguin. It's true. Everyone from James Dean and Marilyn Monroe to Kurt Cobain, even Heath Ledger and most recently, Michael Jackson, are actually penguins - and I've fucked most of them.
My parting words: the next time you're with a group of friends and someone says, "Hey, lets fly down to Antarctica and fuck some penguins!", just promise me that you'll remember my words, and heed my warnings. My only request is that when I become a penguin in a few years, you don't fuck me.
