Legion, or, How God is Totally Wrong Every Time, About Everything
I saw it so you didn't have to. This is a review.
Also, heavy spoilers.
God is sick of humanity sucking, so he sends another apocalypse, like the great flood, only this time, it's angels possessing the weak willed to, for some reason, kill an unborn child in a diner. Okay. Whatever. I'll go with that.
THEN, the Archkyle Reese - I mean, Michael comes down and cuts his wings off, for some reason. I don't know. And he has a collar on, that falls off. I guess all Archangels wear collars. Maybe. Who knows, it's never explained, but whatever.
So, he steals a bunch of weapons from a toy factory (never explained, but there are a TON of weapons in there) and we meet the first of the possessed - a cop, who, for some reason when he gets possessed, gets baby teeth. Oh, joy.
Then we're introduced to the diner. 30 minutes pass where nothing happens. A few more minutes pass with shit still not happening. Then an old lady comes to the diner, eats a dudes neck, calls everyone cunts, and jumps onto the ceiling and tries to kill one of the main characters - named JEEP WHAT THE FUCK? - who cannot pull the trigger on a shotgun to kill her. This is important, as he will work up the resolve later to pull the trigger. Which is pretty hilarious.
Anyways, a thug ends up shooting the old woman, who also has baby teeth. Baby teeth. Oh, okay, we're now dealing with the same thing we ran into in the city. Anyways, the characters mostly spend the next few minutes standing around and we get to know them a little more. We have Dennis Quaid playing himself, his son, Jeep, the pregnant waitress, who is a huge BITCH throughout the movie, the one handed cook, the thug, the preppy wife, her husband (the one the old lady munched on), and their hot daughter.
Anyways, they all pull the body outside, and dump it behind a dumpster, when Archkyle Reese shows up in a cop car. After a fake tense standoff where they demand to see his teeth (somehow knowing that they're dealing with a plague and that all the victims have their teeth turn into baby teeth. Or shark teeth. They're referred to as both for this one scene and then never mentioned again) - and decide that he's cool. Then he brings in enough weapons to wipe out Las Vegas, and they get settled in.
So, a bunch of people drive off to try and get help for Rich Dad, and get FLOODED BY LOCUSTS. I mean, literally. Not only is their car completely covered in dead bugs, but they return minutes later, unscathed. Even after the locusts flood the car by way of the AC system. They’re not even covered in bug goop.
Reese tells them that it's his mission to save the child. Everyone is incredulous. Even Bitch. I mean, really. Reese then tells them that Angels are possessing the weak willed (the elderly and children are the easiest to turn - foreshadowing, maybe? But I don't want to credit the screenwriters with enough ingenuity to even use that device) - and that this is part of God's plan.
Everyone is pretty weirded out, especially One Armed Cook. He's kind of pissed that Angels are possessing people for the purpose of infanticide and murder. Then again, so am I, and I'm not even a Christian. And excuse me, what kind of old lady Angel uses the word "Cunt"? Are the Angels just using these vessels to vent all their frustrations? You know, the ones pent up living in FUCKING PARADISE?!
So then Cook, Jeep, DQ, and Thug go up to the roof to fight off Wave 1, which is an ice-cream man. But then Wave 2 comes and it's literally hundreds of people, who, after dragging Rich Husband off, relent. Michael explains that this was a test of the survivor's strength. The next will be a test of their weakness.
Excuse me. There were HUNDREDS of possessed out there. Obviously they don't have Starcraft in heaven. You can win tons of maps by simply Zerg-Rushing. They could have ended everything right there, but no. No. This entire movie is about how God is wrong. It's actually a theme.
Archkyle Reese – 1. God – 0.
So, some more shit happens now - not interesting shit, mind you. Everyone gets paired up, and then they speak in Monologues. Bitch is kind of a bitch, and Jeep is a high functioning retard. ... Okay. That might be a low blow, but he's seriously a huge idiot. A huge. Fucking. Idiot. One Armed Cook talks about how his Dad used to read him the bible, and that the life you lead better be worth living. Or something. I don't know, everyone is speaking in platitudes.
Anyways, DQ goes up to the roof and promptly endangers the entire cast by falling asleep. If only this had been better worked into the story, or maybe DQ could get turned. He shows weak will throughout the entire movie - starting smoking again, drinking beer, falling asleep - but sadly, this is never touched on. I'm not even kidding. DQ doesn't even do anything in this movie. Everything he does contributes nothing to the survival of anyone, ever.
Anyways, Rich Husband's back, somewhere outside, and calling to Preppy Wife. She tears down the barricade at the back of the building to find her husband TIED TO AN INVERTED, BURNING CROSS. Did the Angels do this? Yes. They're pretty pissed, I guess. But at who? I mean, really, the inverted, burning cross is more of a stab at Jesus than it is at the Diner Patrons. So I guess that's pretty fucked up. Anyways, she runs out to get him, and he's boiling or something. I don't know. Anyways, just as he explodes, One Armed Cook comes outside and shields her from the blast. Despite the fact that we see they're both okay, once One Armed Cook makes it back inside, he falls over. Rich Husband, upon exploding, shot acid everywhere and burned through One Armed Cook's back, killing him. So we lose morality, the best actor in the movie, and the most interesting character in one fell swoop.
Joy.
People get paired up again. Hot Daughter ties Preppy Mom up so she doesn't pull any shenanigans like that again, and Preppy Mom yells at her daughter, telling her the reason they're moving is all her fault. Which kind of sucks. Very harsh. But I mean, she did just see her Rich Husband explode. Then again, Rich Husband WAS Hot Daughter's father. Hot Daughter seems to be taking it pretty well.
More monologue occurs. We find out more about Thug, and Hot Daughter. Michael talks to Jeep and Bitch, and tells Jeep the reason Kyle Reese - I mean, Michael is rebelling against God is that there are people like Jeep out there. So, Archkyle Reese loves humanity because of high functioning retards. I guess Reese sees a kindred spirit in them. The motherfucker is rebelling against GOD, the space wizard who holds ALL THE FUCKING CARDS, because of people like Jeep. God hates stupid people, Reese loves them. And there we are.
Anyways, the lights come back on at the diner, luring a pair of glorified extras, a father and son to get gas at the diner. The trap is set! Tons of possessed swarm them. I guess the Angels are banking on... uh... the inner strength of the Diner Dashers to want to save the people in the van. Despite the fact that God is trying to wipe everything out, they're relying on the goodness of people... Okay. Right.
It works! Thug jumps off the roof right as Dad gets splattered! Thug starts unloading tons of shots at everyone, scooping up the kid and taking up the best defensive stance in the history of man - in the middle of a circle, surrounded by possessed. Instead of, you know, running back to the diner.
In the twist that everyone saw coming, the kid is possessed, bites Thug - and this is a magic bite, because the same type of bite from a much larger mouth earlier did not kill Rich Husband, but let him be tortured for hours - and this kills him. And Hot Daughter jumps off the roof to save him for some reason. Bitch is inside, saying they need to take the barricade down to save Rich Daughter. Archkyle Reese tells her no. Bitch says that if he doesn't go out and help Rich Daughter, then she'll go out there. Reese relents, and goes out there. I guess it's okay if Thug gets killed. No one really threw a fit over that. I mean, after all, he did save everyone's life earlier by plugging Evil Granny. But Hot Daughter, who has done all of NOTHING but wear a thong and dance at a jukebox in an homage a much better film (any film that uses that shot. One Night at McCool's, even.). So Arch Kyle Reese runs outside and guns all of them down, then blows up some gas pumps, bringing Hot Daughter back inside.
Well, at least of the two that were in danger, we've saved the one who has done fuck-all and has never handled a firearm before. She's even given a gun prior to this scene and instead of engaging targets in her suicide run, just flails about like a spaz. Maybe being a spaz is the best weapon, as so many characters in this movie spaz out.
Anyways, Evil Kid is in the diner and he manages to slice Bitch across the gut before somehow - and I shit you not - SOMEHOW MANAGES TO CUT HIS OWN THUMBS OFF, dropping the knife. Bitch, instead of doing something useful like stabbing Evil Kid, is instead dumbstruck that something would attack her. Even though Archkyle Reese told her SEVERAL TIMES that her baby is the target of attacks. I guess maybe Bitch thought that the baby could be killed without her being harmed. I doubt she even knows how she got pregnant in the first place. Anyway, Evil Kid goes all over the ceiling, and is about to kill someone, when he's shot off-screen. By Jeep.
Jeep had trouble shooting people earlier - even throws up after seeing Evil Granny get gunned down - but he has NO QUALMS WHATSOEVER about gunning down a small child.
...
Whatever. His name is Jeep. I realize that I've been making up names throughout this thing, but that's his real fucking name in the movie. I thought it was "Jay" at first, but no. It's "Jeep."
So, Bitch gives birth to Suspiciously Large, Rubber Baby Savior of Humanity, and that's when the shit hits the fan. God's plan was to have Bitch be killed, for some reason, before her child is born or something, and the possessed CANNOT stand the sound of the baby's cries. Which is great - I mean, I wouldn't think God would have to plan this far ahead. He is God, after all. So the possessed are now useless when around the baby.
Archkyle Reese - 2. God - 0.
We get a flashback of heaven that makes it look like the spaceship from Predator, where we meet the Terminator, Gabriel. Archkyle Reese talks about giving God what he needs, not what he wants. Wonder if that'll come back.
Anyways, there's a moment between Preppy Mom and Hot Daughter where they reconcile, immediately before Preppy Mom goes basthit crazy, escapes from her chair, and steals the baby, wanting to turn it over to the Archterminator Gabriel. Gabriel pops through the door, Archkyle Reese blows Preppy Mom away - who drops the baby, and in a slow motion dive, Jeep catches a fake looking babydoll with scrunched face - and then Gabriel, complete with bullet proof, razor edged wings, starts tearing shit up.
I paused at this point, pondering - those wings are fucking useful. And pretty well hidden. After all, I didn't even see them when Archkyle Reese beamed down, as they were easily concealed beneath a common trenchcoat. They're bullet proof and can cut people, so why the hell did he get rid of one of the best offensive defenses ever? Because fuck this movie.
Gabriel wrecks shit, and Hot Daughter, Jeep, Bitch, and Rubber Baby Savior of Humanity make it out the back while he and Reese duke it out. Also, DQ gets cut across the gut at this point and we're lead to believe he's dead.
So, Archterminator Gabriel and Archkyle Reese exchange dialogue, and then fight. Gabe gets the upper hand, and using a sneaky, underhanded tactic, impales himself to impale Reese. "You wanted to liiiive like one of them," he pauses, inhaling his own musk, "Now you will die like one of them."
Then Reese dissolves into a bundle of white light. Gabe seems pretty unperturbed by this. I guess he's never seen how 'One of them' really dies before and assumes that dissolving into light is par for the course.
OH BUT DQ is alive! And before Gabe can do anything, he's terminated. DQ blows up his rest stop. Baller.
So, then we have Jeep, Hot Daughter, Bitch, and Rubber Baby Savior of Humanity are driving, when Gabe, unhurt, crashes through their back windshield.
Thanks for nothing, DQ. Your wound was TOTALLY treatable. Now, not only have you killed yourself, condemning your remaining existence to hell, but you didn't do a goddamn thing to help anyone. Good going.
Jeep speeds the car up, and slams on the brakes, sending the Terminator through the windshield. I should also point out that all the tattoos on Archkyle Reese have now transferred over to Jeep, and Reese told him before leaving the diner that they're a prophecy, he should find some prophets, and uh... Get that shit read. Or something. It doesn't really make sense and is never explained.
Anyways, because Jeep is a fucking failure at everything, by speeding up and slowing down - a technique they teach you at driving school, mind you, as basic car operation - he crashes the car. And I would have thought doing that to send a guy with giant razorblades on his back out the front of your car, from the back, would be a bad idea, as he might kill everyone in the car, but then again, THIS MOVIE. So.
After Bitch wakes up, she tells Jeep that Rubber Baby Savior of Humanity survived the car crash, but Hot Daughter did not. She does not vocalize this - instead, Jeep asks if she's okay, and Bitch just shakes her head.
Okay, excuse me, you're going to fucking kill off everyone that wasn't Bitch, Jeep, or Rubber Baby Savior of Humanity? You're going to kill off someone who has survived watching both her parents brutally murdered, off-screen? Fuck you.
But the baby, which has a much stronger constitution, is fine. I guess being made of rubber really helps things.
Archterminator Gabriel is not done, however! He chases Bitch and Jeep up a cliff, where Jeep promptly tackles Gabriel off said cliff, and does not die, as he breaks his fall with Gabriel.
Right as Gabriel is about to kill Jeep, Archkyle Reese comes back, wings and everything, and slices Gabe across the gut. "WHY DID YOU GET TO COME BACK?!"
"Because I gave Him what He needed, not what He wanted." Yup, that line came back. Reese allows Gabe to leave, and then instead of interpreting the tattoos he gave Jeep, leaves. I guess he thinks the journey is important or something, who knows, it's never explained. He leaves Jeep and Bitch and Rubber Baby Savior of Humanity stranded in the middle of the desert. But that's okay - Jeep just climbs up the cliff he fell off, and in about 20 seconds, he's back with Bitch and Rubber Baby Savior of Humanity. And then they drive off in a car full of weapons, complete with Bitch wearing a bandana, like Sarah Conner.
... Now, I don't know why they're carrying all those weapons. From what Archkyle Reese said, it sounds like they're calling off the Apocalypse due to God being wrong. I guess they think that God could just as easily change his mind again. After all, he's God. He's wishy washy.
Not only did the movie suck, but man, did they fuck up the God character.
"Oh, you're rebelling, Michael? How long have you been God? Because I've been God since forever, you asshole. And you think you know what I need? I know what I need. I'm fucking God, you son of a bitch. You think I might be going senile? Yeah? I invented senility, you prick. No, no, I get it. You think you can do a better job as God, but guess what. You're not God. You will never be God. This isn't a position I was elected to. Fuck yourself."
No, instead, in this movie not only is God totally fallible, he's proven wrong at the end.
Fuck.
This.
Movie.
(The end score is Archkyle Reese – 3. God – 0.)
