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Thread: Twilight

  1. #1
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    Thumbs down Twilight

    Well, I dunno if anyone is planning on seeing this, cause I sure as hell didn't plan on it, but a date called me up and asked if I'd like to watch it. She's a fan of the books etc, and I've never read it.

    The entire movie the Main characters look like they're having mind sex with each other, the female lead looks like she's about to orgasm for about 85% of the movie.

    Well pretty much, if you watch this, and have any feeling of it being "good" I would like to know your address and eliminate you from the gene pool, I talked so much shit to everyone that was leaving the theatre about the same time, and about 75% of the people agreed, and when someone disagreed I promptly told them "You suck dick, because apparently you don't know what acting is, or how a plot line should be set up."

    This movie explains the ENTIRE plot in about 2 lines.

    score -19 out of 10.

    I will, however, be telling everyone I know about how bad ass this movie was and recommend them to see it, just to be a dick.
    lik dis if u cry evertim
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    Oh I was expecting a guide to making meth

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    Senior Member SneeBeezums's Avatar
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    I gave my own friend (acquaintance now. defriended him for this) tons of shit for posting on Facebook a status asking who was going to see this. Every self respecting man including myself ripped him a new asshole. Glad my actions are justified.

  3. #3
    ...let's go medieval! Gas Meter's Avatar
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    thanks for the heads up, i didn't even know about this film coming out... says a lot really.

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    Take orally. no_brains_no_worries's Avatar
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    That's what I have been trying to tell you people! I live in the fuckin' source of this Twilight craze.

    Weep for me.
    Quote Originally Posted by ozzy View Post
    He came to the states for his birthday and now he's going home in a body bag. That's what you get for sending your child to Utah.
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    i would have whipped out my dick in that situation
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    News flash, guys can't get pregnant from vaginal sex either.
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    But what is their policy on winning the hearts and minds through forcible vaginal entry?

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    Senior Member Sir Bifford's Avatar
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    One of my gay friends is all excited to see this movie this weekend. Go figure.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sir Bifford View Post
    One of my gay friends is all excited to see this movie this weekend. Go figure.
    Lol, he'll be so hurt by this the first thing he'll say is "Where da pussy?!"

    I just went cause my "date" didn't wanna go alone, but man we had us a time tearing it a new asshole.
    lik dis if u cry evertim
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    Oh I was expecting a guide to making meth

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    Senior Member SneeBeezums's Avatar
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    And who wants to see a movie about Vampires. Zombies > Vampires any day

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    Senior Member BLMWolby's Avatar
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    Yeah, so. I think im part of a very short list of straight men who read the book. (Only because i was trying to get with this girl who was a super fan of it. I swear) So, me and all of my friends (I was the 2nd guy. The other one was gay. Oh Boy..) went to go see the midnight showing. All i have to say is i laughed my ass off throughout the WHOLE movie. 75% of it was outward, the rest was "Dear god these fangirls will murder me if i keep laughing) The main character's expressions the WHOLE time was ridiculous. Not to mention that both the main character and Jasper (the vampire brother with a jew-fro) looked ridiculously like Edward ScissorHands. (Moreso on Jasper's part... he had like 4 words in the movie?)

    So in short... I give it a Meh on a scale of Ugh to OMFG

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    Quote Originally Posted by BLMWolby View Post
    Yeah, so. I think im part of a very short list of straight men who read the book. (Only because i was trying to get with this girl who was a super fan of it. I swear) So, me and all of my friends (I was the 2nd guy. The other one was gay. Oh Boy..) went to go see the midnight showing. All i have to say is i laughed my ass off throughout the WHOLE movie. 75% of it was outward, the rest was "Dear god these fangirls will murder me if i keep laughing) The main character's expressions the WHOLE time was ridiculous. Not to mention that both the main character and Jasper (the vampire brother with a jew-fro) looked ridiculously like Edward ScissorHands. (Moreso on Jasper's part... he had like 4 words in the movie?)

    So in short... I give it a Meh on a scale of Ugh to OMFG
    I felt liek Mr. Scissorhands was in there as well.

    Bella, i think her name was, looked like she had ADD and Tourette's with all the weird jerking she did. I also loved the fact that no more than 5minutes after showing up on the first day to school she already had an entire entourage of BFFE's
    lik dis if u cry evertim
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    Oh I was expecting a guide to making meth

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    Senior Member BLMWolby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vengeful Scars View Post
    Bella, i think her name was, looked like she had ADD and Tourette's with all the weird jerking she did. I also loved the fact that no more than 5minutes after showing up on the first day to school she already had an entire entourage of BFFE's
    Yeah, thats at least explained in the book. Everyone is just balls-to-the-walls about there being a new personality since they've grown up with each other. They could have just had one of the little douches be like "I'm just glad we have someone new to talk to!" and everyone'd be like "Oh.. you guys are just lonely..."

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    Yea, I figured that much, because I have the detective mind, but this movie did absolutely no explaining of anything at all, it just happened and just was.

    So if this was the first book, are they going to make the rest? Cause if so we need another writer's strike, then maybe they can hire someone half competent to throw a script together.
    lik dis if u cry evertim
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    Oh I was expecting a guide to making meth

  12. #12
    Take orally. no_brains_no_worries's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BLMWolby View Post
    Yeah, so. I think im part of a very short list of straight men who read the book. (Only because i was trying to get with this girl who was a super fan of it. I swear) So, me and all of my friends (I was the 2nd guy. The other one was gay. Oh Boy..) went to go see the midnight showing. All i have to say is i laughed my ass off throughout the WHOLE movie. 75% of it was outward, the rest was "Dear god these fangirls will murder me if i keep laughing) The main character's expressions the WHOLE time was ridiculous. Not to mention that both the main character and Jasper (the vampire brother with a jew-fro) looked ridiculously like Edward ScissorHands. (Moreso on Jasper's part... he had like 4 words in the movie?)

    So in short... I give it a Meh on a scale of Ugh to OMFG
    That's retarded. And queer.
    Quote Originally Posted by ozzy View Post
    He came to the states for his birthday and now he's going home in a body bag. That's what you get for sending your child to Utah.
    Quote Originally Posted by raghead View Post
    i would have whipped out my dick in that situation
    Quote Originally Posted by KT. View Post
    News flash, guys can't get pregnant from vaginal sex either.
    Quote Originally Posted by Atmoscheer View Post
    But what is their policy on winning the hearts and minds through forcible vaginal entry?

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    Senior Member BLMWolby's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vengeful Scars View Post
    Yea, I figured that much, because I have the detective mind, but this movie did absolutely no explaining of anything at all, it just happened and just was.

    So if this was the first book, are they going to make the rest? Cause if so we need another writer's strike, then maybe they can hire someone half competent to throw a script together.
    Yeah chances are they are going to make yet another one. It'll suck just as much as the 1st one, and all the fangirls and fanboys will freak out at how awesome it is. (Because they will be blinded by the hype)

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    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    Zombies are not better than vampires.

    But what is the best anyone could expect from this movie? It is based on teenage girl drivel. At its greatest potential it could succeed at being shallow and hollow pandering, and at its worst it could be.....well, the exact same thing.

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    Senior Member BLMWolby's Avatar
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    Yeah, Edward's facial expressions coupled with Bella's look of complete orgasm every 5 minutes made me burst out laughing.

  16. #16
    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    the books were manufactured to sell, not to be good. some american chick decided she'd exploit all the unresolved sexual tension in the harry potter series and twilight came out of it. what did you expect?

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    the eagle
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    No. That's not what happened at all. It's based on a dream she had. She's a lonely Mormon housewife. Do you wonder why the relationship is so chaste - almost no kissing? Why Bella is a vegetarian? Why she magically attracts EVERY SINGLE FUCKING GUY in the school? Because Stephanie Meyer wishes she IS Bella Swan. It's fucking tripe, that's what it is. Bella is the least resourceful, weak female characters ever written.

    In the series, not only does Bella act as a magnet for danger so OTHER PEOPLE - namely Edward, her immortal lover forever and ever and ever - can save her, but Meyer rejiggered the rules of vampires. Now, they can go out in sunlight. If they do, they just shimmer and sparkle. Dangerous, I know. The only way to kill a vampire is to dismember them and set their bodies on fire.

    Something that Bella will never, ever be able to do for herself. She will always have to rely on other people to help her in this world that she so desperately wants to be a part of. Fuck, man, even Harry Potter was able to defeat Quirrel with the force of fucking love or some bullshit like that in the first book and he was like goddamned eleven.

    ...

    So, I'm going to write a book about this guy who goes to live with his Mom, a paramedic, in the sleepy, rainy town of Spoons, Maine. During his first day of school, all of the girls fall head over heels in love with him, but he's moody and introspective. One girl catches his eye - Esra Mullin - and everyone warns him off. She's part of this weirdo family that lives in the mountains. But he can't stay away... And he finds out that she's an immortal witch. He, too, wishes to be immortal so he can spend his life with her. But an evil group of witches and wizards comes through the area, siphoning power off of people - something the Mullins' promised never to do again, and they set their sights on Beau Grace, the narrator, knowing how important he is to Esra. Unfortunately, the only way to kill an immortal witch is to hurl them in to space, otherwise, they cannot be stopped. The processes of hurling said witches into space involves some kind of glyph drawn on to the floor. The evil witch after Beau - Jenna - lures him to an old karate studio where he used to practice, and he is summarily thrown around until Esra, the fastest in her coven, comes to his rescue.

    It's going to sell so much.

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    Senior Member BLMWolby's Avatar
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    Mal, you're forgetting about Jasmine White. She's the member of the Native American tribe of My Little Ponies who hate the witches because they don't use saddles when they ride them. Long ago their family made a mystical rainbow pact with the Mullins saying that they shall never ride them again without saddles and that they must stay far far away from their precious gumdrop valleys. (Because you have to change a fundamental and accepted fact about My Little Ponies or else your book won't sell. You decided that they have to rub Gumdrops in their eyes each day or else they will start to count by stomping their feet, thus making it to where EVERYONE will know what they really are) Jasmine also wants Beau's balls causing a Witch-Human-Unicorn love triangle.

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    the eagle
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    Oh, I was just going to go with Jasmine White, who is in a group of animal shapeshifters - not werewolves, specifically, at least, until Book IV when you find out Jasmine IS a werewolf and not just a shapeshifter. This group runs a trailer park at the edge of town, and some of the surrounding beach land, due to a pact with the Mullins. Long ago, 'ancestors' of the Mullins where caught practicing Alchemy using precious herbs that the White group find sacred. They agreed to never use the herbs again, which grow exclusively in that part of Maine, in order to live there in peace. The families have an uneasy truce.

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    Senior Member BLMWolby's Avatar
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    Hmmm, see. Thats a good plan, to be sure. But im pretty sure you could get a joint deal with the douche bag who made My Little Ponies and start shoving merchandise down a million 13-something year olds' throats. What is your series worth if it can't have the name of the first book put on Pens, Shirts, Hoodies, Notebooks, Necklaces and Vibrators?

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    the eagle
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    Oh, I plan on marketing the fuck out of this. It's just a story of true love between two people, where one of them is immortal, so it's going to be tricky. But here's the secret - none of the characters have to sacrifice ANYTHING to get what they want in any of the books. It's all so happy go lucky, people will eat it up.

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    Band simonj's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MalReynolds View Post
    but Meyer rejiggered the rules of vampires. Now, they can go out in sunlight. If they do, they just shimmer and sparkle. Dangerous, I know. The only way to kill a vampire is to dismember them and set their bodies on fire.
    Well then if anything, she's gone back to the original rules of vampires.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. E
    Zombies are not better than vampires.

    But what is the best anyone could expect from this movie? It is based on teenage girl drivel. At its greatest potential it could succeed at being shallow and hollow pandering, and at its worst it could be.....well, the exact same thing.
    Splain plz. Vampires are almost universally just pretty boy goth guys with a thing for going over the top with hickeys. Zombies are one of the few truly scary horror creations out there. The idea that a zombie by itself is pretty much nothing but then you're thrown against the whole unstoppable lumbering flesh-eating mass, no way out. And the idea that you'll become on of these IQ-less brain-dead things. Zombies actually play on our in-built cultural fears. Vampires just have the night and gay looking teeth.

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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    Well then if anything, she's gone back to the original rules of vampires.
    Dude what rules are you thinking of? I don't remember any old school vampire sparkling in daylight like a big, blood sucking queen who had just won the glitter lottery.
    Quote Originally Posted by ozzy View Post
    He came to the states for his birthday and now he's going home in a body bag. That's what you get for sending your child to Utah.
    Quote Originally Posted by raghead View Post
    i would have whipped out my dick in that situation
    Quote Originally Posted by KT. View Post
    News flash, guys can't get pregnant from vaginal sex either.
    Quote Originally Posted by Atmoscheer View Post
    But what is their policy on winning the hearts and minds through forcible vaginal entry?

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    the eagle
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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    Well then if anything, she's gone back to the original rules of vampires.
    Bram Stoker had Dracula in daylight, non fatal. That came about with Nosferatu, but it certainly didn't make them shimmer in any way. And dismemberment WOULD work on any vampire, without the fire. The sure fire way, in Stoker's book, is something through the heart, but off the head, and garlic in the mouth. I believe Dracula is killed with a knife through the heart, as opposed to a stake.

    What rules are you thinking of? The, uh... other rules that I've somehow forgotten?

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    Quote Originally Posted by MalReynolds View Post
    Bram Stoker had Dracula in daylight, non fatal. That came about with Nosferatu, but it certainly didn't make them shimmer in any way. And dismemberment WOULD work on any vampire, without the fire. The sure fire way, in Stoker's book, is something through the heart, but off the head, and garlic in the mouth. I believe Dracula is killed with a knife through the heart, as opposed to a stake.

    What rules are you thinking of? The, uh... other rules that I've somehow forgotten?
    Ok, now you're nitpicking. My point is, it's a fucking fictional story about vampires. You can make it so that they can only be killed when a half-asian redneck with a mullet sucks their dicque if you want to. Such are the rules of literature and artistic licence.

    I had never heard about this film or about the book series on which it's based. The only thing I know is that my best friend and his girlfriend are going to see it tonight. Considering he has the nickname 'Emo Martin' and doesn't actually have a problem with that makes me think it's probably worth avoiding.

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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    . You can make it so that they can only be killed when a half-asian redneck with a mullet
    My one weakness!
    Quote Originally Posted by ozzy View Post
    He came to the states for his birthday and now he's going home in a body bag. That's what you get for sending your child to Utah.
    Quote Originally Posted by raghead View Post
    i would have whipped out my dick in that situation
    Quote Originally Posted by KT. View Post
    News flash, guys can't get pregnant from vaginal sex either.
    Quote Originally Posted by Atmoscheer View Post
    But what is their policy on winning the hearts and minds through forcible vaginal entry?

  27. #27
    the eagle
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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    Ok, now you're nitpicking. My point is, it's a fucking fictional story about vampires. You can make it so that they can only be killed when a half-asian redneck with a mullet sucks their dicque if you want to. Such are the rules of literature and artistic licence.
    Then she shouldn't call the vampires. I'm going to write a book about zombies, only, the zombies talk, they don't need to eat human flesh, and they live in a monarchical society under the sea. In their spare time, they compete in couples Badminton in the olympics, own a tea company, and several prominent members of the zombie society have won the pulitzer.

    It'll be great because it's about zombies.

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    Love's Young Nightmare Nevrmore's Avatar
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    First of all,
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. E View Post
    Zombies are not better than vampires.
    No, you're a god damn idiot.

    Second, you don't know what shit I had to deal with on Friday of all the fucking whores at my school blabbering on about how they saw the midnight opening. I'd tell them "Oh, you saw a movie based on a book last night? What a coincidence, so did I! It was THE FUCKING GODFATHER you disgusting monosyllabic-spouting whore."

    I had to stab myself with a pencil to refrain from killing one of them when they looked at me, starry-eyed, and asked, "What's The Godfather?"

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    Journeyman Cocksmith Mr. E's Avatar
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    Ok, let me rephrase.

    Vampires done the best > Zombies done the best
    Vampires done the worst < Zombies done the worst

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    windmills of your mind Think's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. E View Post
    Ok, let me rephrase.

    Vampires done the best > Zombies done the best
    Vampires done the worst < Zombies done the worst
    Perfect

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nevrmore View Post
    Second, you don't know what shit I had to deal with on Friday of all the fucking whores at my school blabbering on about how they saw the midnight opening. I'd tell them "Oh, you saw a movie based on a book last night? What a coincidence, so did I! It was THE FUCKING GODFATHER you disgusting monosyllabic-spouting whore."

    I had to stab myself with a pencil to refrain from killing one of them when they looked at me, starry-eyed, and asked, "What's The Godfather?"
    ahh the trial and tribulations of life

    if only you were a zombie

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    Quote Originally Posted by MalReynolds View Post
    Then she shouldn't call the vampires. I'm going to write a book about zombies, only, the zombies talk, they don't need to eat human flesh, and they live in a monarchical society under the sea. In their spare time, they compete in couples Badminton in the olympics, own a tea company, and several prominent members of the zombie society have won the pulitzer.

    It'll be great because it's about zombies.
    Ok, so then no-one should call anything vampires. The original vampires could go out in the sun, so who cares? Just because they ruined vampires in other ways (I now know much more about this franchise) doesn't mean they're not vampires. They are vampires, they're just even gayer than most other vampires. It's a movie for the Hot Topic generation. Stuff like this doesn't piss me off anywhere near as much as the shit that people spout about it from their high horse. I make it a habit to ignore cunts I come across in day to day life as a matter of routine. If those cunts happen to thing sappy gay vampire films are the best thing since the bread knife then all the better for it.

    Your reaction to awful trends in pop culture just makes them seem even worse and more prominent than they actually are. Although, to be fairness, this isn't quite the phenomenon in the UK as it is over there so perhaps I'd feel different if I was subjected to it more.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. E View Post
    Ok, let me rephrase.

    Vampires done the best > Zombies done the best
    Vampires done the worst < Zombies done the worst
    I still don't know what vampires you're talking about. Night Of The Living Dead is far better than any vampire film I've ever seen. So is 28 Days Later probably. And that includes Nosferatu (which is amazing).

    You'd better not be talking about Buffy....
    Last edited by simonj; 11-23-2008 at 08:44 PM.

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    windmills of your mind Think's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    I still don't know what vampires you're talking about. Night Of The Living Dead is far better than any vampire film I've ever seen. So is 28 Days Later probably. And that includes Nosferatu (which is amazing).

    You'd better not be talking about Buffy....
    Bram Stoker's Dracula, Interview with the Vampire.
    Vampires, at their very best, terrify us because they are so starkly similar to us and yet so profoundly sinister, lustful and cruel. Vampires are both more demonic in their passions and more cerebral in their conversation and thought than human beings. By contrast, zombies don't stick so deep to me. They're less human, more savage and animal; slower, stupider. Zombies need sheer numbers or inevitability to elicit a shiver, they're just braindead, senseless attackers. Vampires have a will. Vampires are the most scary thing I can think of, human beings, at their emotionally most volatile and intellectually and physically most capable.
    Last edited by Think; 11-23-2008 at 09:18 PM.

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    Senior Member BLMWolby's Avatar
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    Zombies awaken a fear of the darker more savage part of our nature. What scares most people is to think that all it takes is one bite to turn a normal cognitive person into a drooling growling flesh-hungry zombie. Also, if the zombies themselves were not scary enough, seeing the survivors can bring unease. In a world where the dead walk, is it ok to dig deep into your darkest desires and take that TV? If you're stealing a TV what makes rape so bad? What about murder. That jackass just looked at your TV wrong and you've had no sleep. Is it really that bad to accidentally let your pistol go off in his face? That would leave his poor wife widowed, but thats fine with you, because you know that you can be there to comfort her, whether she likes it or not.

    There are a lot of different factors to just how scary or creepy zombies can be. Every romero movie has both the obvious external struggle with the walking dead, as well as every character having an internal struggle with themselves to find out who they really are. Good, or Evil.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Think View Post
    Bram Stoker's Dracula, Interview with the Vampire.
    Vampires, at their very best, terrify us because they are so starkly similar to us and yet so profoundly sinister, lustful and cruel. Vampires are both more demonic in their passions and more cerebral in their conversation and thought than human beings. By contrast, zombies don't stick so deep to me. They're less human, more savage and animal; slower, stupider. Zombies need sheer numbers or inevitability to elicit a shiver, they're just braindead, senseless attackers. Vampires have a will. Vampires are the most scary thing I can think of, human beings, at their emotionally most volatile and intellectually and physically most capable.
    Oh but both of those movies were terrible. Ok, not terrible but barely more than mediocre. They were just self-indulgent pseudo-arthouse movies without any real content or substance, tension or atmosphere. Bram Stoker's Dracula is only worth watching for Gary Oldman's performance.

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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    Oh but both of those movies were terrible. Ok, not terrible but barely more than mediocre. They were just self-indulgent pseudo-arthouse movies without any real content or substance, tension or atmosphere. Bram Stoker's Dracula is only worth watching for Gary Oldman's performance.
    The former was a reference to the book, I really didn't like the film (I mean it was ok, but you know how films are always marred if you've read the book already; they're almost inevitably worse). I think that the latter is the best cinematic depiction of the vampire, but admittedly whilst the character development was good the film lacked a strong plot. You know, I think there is definitely a point to be made here about the success of vampire depictions most of the time, but I still prefer vampires. You'd have to admit, zombies are kinda easier to get right .
    Last edited by Think; 11-23-2008 at 10:09 PM.

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    I do admit that they're much easier to get right, and obviously the book is amazing but there aren't any zombie books to compare it to that I have read. In fact, I don't think I actually would read a zombie book unless it were very highly recommended (although there was a Goosebumps one I remember as being outstanding - far better than the rest of the series - I might still have it somewhere). I'd still say the strength of Bram Stoker's Dracula is not the character of the vampire but in it's plot development and it's structure and it's beautiful prose. I don't know though, it's been a while since I read it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    I do admit that they're much easier to get right, and obviously the book is amazing but there aren't any zombie books to compare.
    The greatest of zombie literature:

    Day by day Armageddon by J.L. Borne.
    The Moringstar strain saga by Z.A. Recht.
    Dying to Live by Kim Paffernoth.

    Seriously, these books are amazing. I think what I really enjoy about the zombie novels, isn't the flesh eating gore but rather the unstoppable collapse of the world we know. With zombies, you get that end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it flavor. Vampires on the other hand, always have that sexual undertone of lust, control and desire which I really don't dig all that much.
    Quote Originally Posted by ozzy View Post
    He came to the states for his birthday and now he's going home in a body bag. That's what you get for sending your child to Utah.
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    i would have whipped out my dick in that situation
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    News flash, guys can't get pregnant from vaginal sex either.
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    But what is their policy on winning the hearts and minds through forcible vaginal entry?

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    Quote Originally Posted by no_brains_no_worries View Post
    The greatest of zombie literature:

    Day by day Armageddon by J.L. Borne.
    The Moringstar strain saga by Z.A. Recht.
    Dying to Live by Kim Paffernoth.

    Seriously, these books are amazing. I think what I really enjoy about the zombie novels, isn't the flesh eating gore but rather the unstoppable collapse of the world we know. With zombies, you get that end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it flavor. Vampires on the other hand, always have that sexual undertone of lust, control and desire which I really don't dig all that much.
    You're forgetting The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z by Max Brooks. Both are probably way different when compared to the three you mentioned, but still worth a read.

    Also if you're into comic books "The Walking Dead"i s a very nice series. It covers a lot of the internal struggles i mentioned earlier.

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    I've made a note of them and will check them out kthx.

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