Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: ok, so help

  1. #1
    windmills of your mind Think's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    a wheel within a wheel never ending nor beginning on an ever spinning reel
    Posts
    2,045
    Credits
    1,004
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)

    Default ok, so help

    I'm trying to write a novelette, but not only am I getting unbelievable writer's block, I'm also unsure about what I've written so far. I have a vague idea about plot, but that's evolving as I'm writing, which is generally a good thing. If you could take the time to read and criticise, I'm interested in how much I'm conveying, what you're getting from it, if it's something you're not completely turned off by, what you think should be altered, should happen next etc. (Oh, and whether I should abandon everything at this point because I've written complete literary doggerel.)
    Be warned, it's more than three minutes thorough reading.

    Jesus Christ why am I showing you this this is an awful idea


    Thank you for your (hopefully not completely wasted!) time in advance
    Last edited by Think; 02-10-2009 at 06:04 PM.

  2. #2
    windmills of your mind Think's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    a wheel within a wheel never ending nor beginning on an ever spinning reel
    Posts
    2,045
    Credits
    1,004
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)

    Default

    I know it's not much to judge by but come on please some idea
    I promise not to get all mr lucifer about it

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    810
    Credits
    790
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)

    Default

    You have a very nice writing style, but the last part is a little confusing to me, I read it a couple times but I'm still not quite sure what happened. Obviously the main character did something to upset Nemo, maybe Nemo thought that he was lying, but I just don't understand why Nemo attacked him, and the third part only confused me more.

    It is very nice other than that, I enjoyed reading it. I don't have any suggestions for you but I wouldn't mind reading more of it in the future. Smaller paragraphs would be nice though

  4. #4
    ))) joke, relax ;) coqauvin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    the shwiggity
    Posts
    9,397
    Credits
    1,650
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)

    Default

    i'm sorry i've been pretty busy recently, so i haven't had a chance to thoroughly read this

    so this is a placeholder until then

  5. #5
    Leading Seaman sailor jack's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    On shore leave
    Posts
    2,269
    Credits
    2,504
    Trophies
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Think View Post
    I know it's not much to judge by but come on please some idea
    I promise not to get all mr lucifer about it
    I dunno....

    you and mr lucifer are far too similar for that promise to be kept

    right jim?

    otherwise the story is good
    YO HO YO HO

    ceci n'est pas une signature

  6. #6
    windmills of your mind Think's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    a wheel within a wheel never ending nor beginning on an ever spinning reel
    Posts
    2,045
    Credits
    1,004
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by sailor jack View Post
    I dunno....

    you and mr lucifer are far too similar for that promise to be kept

    right jim?

    otherwise the story is good
    I'm gonna go for... Niall.

  7. #7
    Ghost Poaster Woofness's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    2,229
    Credits
    1,081
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)

    Default

    i dunno jim. i think its shite.
    Quote Originally Posted by <JANE> View Post
    This post was quite an effort to make, I hope it wont get lost.

  8. #8
    Ghost Poaster Woofness's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    2,229
    Credits
    1,081
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by <JANE> View Post
    This post was quite an effort to make, I hope it wont get lost.

  9. #9
    Leading Seaman sailor jack's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    On shore leave
    Posts
    2,269
    Credits
    2,504
    Trophies
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)

    Default

    i would happily buy a copy or even a few

    the fire needs fuel and gas is too expensive nowadays...
    YO HO YO HO

    ceci n'est pas une signature

  10. #10
    ))) joke, relax ;) coqauvin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    the shwiggity
    Posts
    9,397
    Credits
    1,650
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)

    Default

    hmm... the writing style is good - it's inventive and fluid, if a little over elaborate and a touch too fond of being as loquacious as possible. there's nothing wrong with using large words, or even being wry with a funy turn of phrase or saying something, but if that's all you have for your writing, it quickly becomes mundane. I would suggest making a point of forming some kind of juxtoposition so things like "Her shadow began to engulf my table" will really stand out, instead of being another push of exuberant over-eloquency.

    Now, I'm not condemning the style it's written in, because I rather enjoy the verbose, but, truth be told, I cannot imagine reading an entire book written that way. It would be extraordinarily tiresome, especially if it was a particularly long text. My suggestion again is make some things easy reading, where the wry, the subtle suggestion and the surreal are brought about and demonstrated by characters and plot rather than a quirk of phrase. Again, this is not an endorsement to stop using that as a tool - I rather enjoy the way you described some parts, such as: "The days rolled by in ecstasies of thought, a peculiar mania of chaotic possibility, every flight of fancy considered, ranked; made possible and dismissed."

    I mean, this is your art, and, as you said, language is colourful and nuanced. You are, with every word, painting a picture of a facet of your imagination and in doing so, letting others use their own to interpret what you're saying, and so I will stress again that I'm not telling you how to do what you wish to do. For myself, writing is an expression of the self, an urge that builds inside until I am driven to write something. As a result, most of my early work was essentially writer's masturbation - I tried being as expressive as possible, flaunting my vocabulary and desire to take stock phrases and terms and twist them in odd and peculiar ways. When went back, years later, and reread what I had written, I cringed at how chaotic my writing was, but ultimately it was for the best - a phase that came and went and left my words more mature and readable, and gave me more insight into what I'm doing.

    So I guess, in the end, that I'm going to have to partway go back on what I said - continue to be as flamboyantly sesquipedalian as you want, because it is fantastic exercise for the mind to be like that. It is, however, my personal belief that if you wish to have many people read and enjoy your reading, brevity is important. Brutally read your work and cut out everything that seems remotely extraneous to your message. You can always rewrite a long, awkward sentence later in the revision process, or even subtly change another sentence here or there to make sure that an important element is still being included, or a particular stress is present.

    The other part is that, ultimately, I'm trying to read the actual story itself. The writing style aside (which I must say, I did enjoy quite a bit, in spite of my criticisms), I was confused as to how many characters there were, who was talking to whom at a given point (aside from the first person narrator), and, most importantly, I still haven't discerned why they are doing anything in the first place.

    It has always seemed to me that art, and poetry especially, is taking a simple concept and obscuring parts of it, or making it seem more complicated than it is, or even than it needs to be, and by doing so, lends a sense of romanticism, or importance, or dignity, or any other sense of real, weighty meaning to it, but this is something I've always found frustrating in literature. When writing prose, we aren't trying to hide anything, only to reveal it later; it's best to simply, and (most importantly) eloquently describe something. A thin gold chain with a diamond brooch has more class than Mr. T's glittering, burdened neck.

    Now, there are aspects of life you beautifully describe as relevant to the scenario, and that was truly enjoyed by my most august self, things like: "I wasn't sure how to answer, but he knew that, he was just toying with the profound effect of silence. To a master manipulator, it's invariably a greater tool than speech." and "The thing about lying, and being good at lying, is that when you get caught up in fiction, you can't let anything go. You need reality to be perfect, and that means gross levels of meaning and situation, huge gulfs of truth, need to be filled by carefully worded depictions., because they are big vast, meaty statements to be pondered and turned over and examined and compared and all kinds of wonderful thinking and analyzing that I enjoy so much. This is something I always appreciate and find in great works of literature. It denotes a key aspect to any good author - an analytical eye that doesn't miss much, coupled with kind of mind that can then describe it succinctly.

    So, to recap a little, eloquence is wonderful, when used in moderation, but it's only through excessive use that one gets the practice necessary to be astutely eloquent, althoughh in actual execution, the effect is far,far stronger when it is sparingly and tastefully employed. Your storyline is confusing, because I see no motivation for the characters or what they are doing, and I think you are putting a sense of drama and weight on thin air - I don't see why they are doing what they're doing, or why it has any sense of relevance or important. Other than that, there are many positive aspects (turns of phrase and some of what you're describing) that are also strong and good to see.

    Personally, I would suggest planning out all major plot points, themes and major conflicts and characters before actually writing the story, although truly this is advice given and not personally used (I haven't finished a single story I've begun!), because tales written on the fly always have too many holes, and you never know what to do when you run out of steam (in my experience, always by the 3-5th chapter/section).

    So, good job in terms of your writing, but develop a real plot and some semblance of meaning for it to have any effect.

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •