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Thread: Interesting Nature Fact, with Colby Farnham, PhD

  1. #1
    the eagle
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    Default Interesting Nature Fact, with Colby Farnham, PhD

    Interesting Nature Fact!

    By

    Colby Farnham, PhD.

    I’ve studied a lot of animals over the many years that I attended the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in west Texas, and also as a travel journalist for a women’s hygiene magazine. Finding out interesting tidbits about bugs and fruit is one my many hobbies, one that I like to share with as many people as possible (sometimes, I’ll write down the facts on a cardboard box top and hold it on the corner, although it may look like it says “I’m Homeless”), so I figured what better way than a newsletter.

    Welcome to Interesting Nature Fact by Colby Farnham, PhD.

    Here’s something I bet you didn’t know about scorpions!

    Scorpions are nature’s crabs. They just slide along the ground, and sometimes, it’s very difficult to keep track of how many are around you at once, especially if you’re at a scorpion fight (these are not as exciting as they sound, and are often two scorpions shouting back and forth about whose turn it is to DO THE DISHES, MARTHA! And then they break a plate) or at a scorpion store (a place where scorpions buy suits). Scorpions tend to be deadly, not only because of their claws and venom, but also because they are innately born with 9mm semiautomatic handguns attached to their backs. They only display these when riled, however.

    The most fascinating thing about the scorpion, though, is the strange way it can mate. It can mate in all the normal ways – missionary, doggy (see Kama Sutra for more in depth mating techniques and pictures, and commentary by John Madden) and various other positions. The one NOT covered in most texts or nature shows is simply called The Scorpion Ball.

    The Alpha scorpion of the group evolves something called a ‘recall trigger’, a condensed gas that, when picked up on the wind, can travel for up to 14.234 miles (further if in Kenya). This gas attracts scorpions to the release point, whereupon they climb atop the Alpha of the group. Soon, they form a large ball that can range from the size of a baseball, to a small polar bear! If you see one of these, do not be afraid, unless it is the polar bear sized one (or a real polar bear – these are not to be fucked with, as to them, you are a delicious spam dinner). The gentle motion of the rolling scorpion ball on skin is said to be a form of relaxation, so much so that while writing AND delivering the Gettysburg Address, Abraham Lincoln is said to have had a scorpion ball under his top hat. Also, he had one under his top hat during Our American Cousin, which is why he refused to take off the hat during the performance, much to the chagrin of the person seated behind him, a John Wilkes Boothe.

    In any case, the scorpion ball will roll and roll until the Alpha has had enough sex, or until the ball rolls over the 35 mile mark. The ball will summarily come apart, with every single scorpion pregnant, including, for some unknown reason, the Alpha. They will scatter to the four winds, never to see each other again. Alpha will continually neglect to pay child support, nor will it try to involve itself with the children, even though it said it loved them. All of them. Oh, the sweet, sweet lies. Maybe we should call the Alpha FRANK, that jerkass.

    In any case, I hope today was educational for you!

    This has been Colby Farnham, PhD, with your nature fact.

  2. #2
    cowabunga
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    wat

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    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    I love the name Colby Farnham, and I think this kind of series is a really strong idea, but this particular passage isn't quite funny enough to make me keep reading him. I think you need to be a bit crazier. I also think the narration is not... I don't know. I think you need to think more carefully about your narrator and his style.

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    cowabunga
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    it was incredibly juvenile so if thats what you were going for you succeeded there buddy

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    the eagle
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    Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
    I love the name Colby Farnham, and I think this kind of series is a really strong idea, but this particular passage isn't quite funny enough to make me keep reading him. I think you need to be a bit crazier. I also think the narration is not... I don't know. I think you need to think more carefully about your narrator and his style.
    I was actually going to make him slightly more subtle - remove the 9mm section, and replace it with poisonous quills. If you've read 'Building Your Own Frankenstein Monster' or 'My Step Dad, The Mummy', it's the same narrator.

    I wanted to do something that was so smug and sublimely stupid, but I think that I winked at the audience too much with this one to let them know that Colby was in on the joke, when he's not supposed to be. He's just supposed to be majorly ignorant (he is, after all, the inventor of the male pap-smear - how else will you know if you have cervical cancer and you're a male?)

    In any case, yeah, it is a planned series thing. His doctorate is in Candle-Making with a bachelor in obsteteric gynecology.

    EDIT: And the character is loosely based off John C. Reilly's Steve Brule, from Tim and Eric, although when I perform Colby, it's more of a straight-forward Dr. Spaceman type deal.
    Last edited by MalReynolds; 06-17-2009 at 11:15 AM.

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    Scito Te Ipsum TheOriginalGrumpySpy's Avatar
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    I'm Brian Fellows.

    "In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." -Anne Frank


    “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.” -Buddha

    Identity


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    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    Yeah, the way I read it, it was like you hadn't decided whether you were Dr Spaceman or Brian Fellows.

    It doesn't hit me on the nose enough, is all.

  8. #8
    the eagle
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    See the video in video vault for confirmation of Spaceman-ness. It's Jack Handey writing with Steve Brule subject matter, with Dr. Spaceman friendliness.

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    feel like funkin' it up gwahir's Avatar
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    Nah, see, I don't see that much Jack Handey in it. I see... imitation Handey. Like I said, I want to see more of a really distinct, decisive style of writing and narration.

  10. #10
    the eagle
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    Well, pretty much: Tough shit.

    I know that it's criticsm of the piece and I'm supposed to respond by taking it into consideration, mulling it over, and possibly using it when I further produce the piece, reproduce the piece, edit the piece, what have you, but tough shit. I like it. I'm not trying to sell it. I want it to be funny, rewarding. I'll settle for stupid funny-makes you smile. I'm not writing these to win awards, and I'm not writing them to be published. These are little one-offs that are just meant to be amusing.

    I'm sorry that you don't relate to the character, but the way he's written is the way that I would like for him to be represented. Stupid, somewhat vapid, self involved.

    And really, I misrepresented myself when I said only Handey - I do like Handey. I love him. I love the style he uses - Building Your Own Frankenstein Monster is low rent Handey, but I also really like John Hodgemen.

    In any case, trying to pass myself off as anyone else is a poor excuse.

    You say I'm a poor imitation of Handey, then that's just the style I was going for, because this is the piece I wrote and this is how I meant for it to be.

    ily bebee

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    windmills of your mind Think's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MalReynolds View Post
    Scorpions are nature’s crabs.
    Easily my favourite line.

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