Steve Irwin had nothing on me! (Except for Crocodiles, Snakes and Everything Else)
So, an hour or so ago I was hanging out with my neighbor, wearing my new "high-speed" Extreme Army Makeover/Queer Eye for the Straight Soldier getup. Namely, Rocky S2V boots, Oakley Flak Jacket glasses and PX Ranger-style Oakley Pilot Gloves. The boots just got broken out last Monday and the glasses and gloves arrived Friday.
Anyway, no shit, there I was, hoping to get offered a beer, trying to keep my puppy from jumping on me and dirtying the uniform (I like to wear them two or three days between washings if I can help it) and complaining to my oldest daughter about dirtying the gloves catching the rebounds as she shot some hoops. All of a sudden the neighbor's dachshunds and boxer start barking from his neighbor's backyard. Being half-drunk he started yelling at them before finally going to investigate. Much cursing and a few minutes later I hear my name being called to come help him.
The scene was nothing short of humorous, as he was missing a shoe in knee deep mud trying to keep three dogs away from his neighbor's cat. Being the bold young adventurer I am, I trudged in to help, throwing caution to the wind to brave the same mud I had seen numerous copperheads and other snakes call home. My first step landed me knee deep, by the time I got to the boxer I was thigh deep. He was bloodthirsty, having already gotten a piece of the cat, so I did what years of "playing" with my brother's pit-bulls taught me. I grabbed his collar, twisted it and choked the hell out of a nearly full-grown boxer. Needless to say, he submitted pretty quickly. The neighbor had his hands full with the larger dachshund so I used my free hand to keep the little dog at bay while the cat just laid in the mud in shock.
Picking the boxer up, I carried him out, sinking knee deep and having to fight the suction all the way back out. The new boots had mud in and over them and had turned from a new pinkish-tan to black, the gloves were covered in both black mud and dog and cat hair and the glasses got a little splatter. I also found that ACUs blend in pretty well when covered in black mud and must admit that perhaps our leaders were wise in adapting the Universal Camouflage Pattern, as it readily accepts any shade or color that isn't tan or gray to better blend with the surroundings (I have found that grass, mustard and coffee have a similar camouflage effect). A post-Marvin Pulp Fiction-style shower later I was outside in my sleep pants scrubbing the boots, dumping the water on my overzealous puppy and starting my baked pasta dinner.
And, in other news, my latest tactic is to visit the high schools, mess with the kids, and head for the attractive teachers rooms to flirt with them. Now I have a new story to tell them to explain how my immaculate new look was made a bit more masculine.
THE END
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Originally Posted by Atomic
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