Well guys I took it to the shop and they fixed it for $401.
It turned out to be a ground cable underneath my battery that melted to some other shit. Took them 2.5 hours to find the ground cable and another hour and a half to fix it. Bah.
They also did an inspection and told me my brakes need replaced. So I bought new pads and new roters and a buddy is going to help me put 'em on.
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