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Thread: Woman dies after pleasuring herself with....

  1. #1
    I loves sausage festival! djwolford's Avatar
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    Default Woman dies after pleasuring herself with....

    A jackhammer. Yarly.

    ARNDALE, OK – Sheriff’s investigators have closed the unsettling case of a 49-year-old female construction worker found dead in her driveway after a neighbor witnessed her using a high-powered jackhammer to pleasure herself.

    After a two-day investigation in which officials initially suspected foul play–Shirley Dent’s death on May 1 has now been ruled an accident “after severe internal distress induced by the machine was discovered,” Det.-Sgt. Karl Sprout of the Alpara County Sheriff’s Office said yesterday.

    On May 1, a neighbor witnessed a naked Ms. Dent in her driveway “struggling to direct a jackhammer toward her mid-section.” The alarmed neighbor notified police after hearing ear-splitting moans of distress that carried over the raucous jackhammer. Authorities arrived at the scene to an unresponsive Ms. Dent, who was then transported to West Grenier Hospital where she was pronounced dead shortly thereafter.

    The recently divorced Ms. Dent had been questioned by authorities three times over the past month after neighbors complained of her running a prostitution ring from her home. Records also show that Ms. Dent supplemented her income as the sole proprietor of a sex toy distributor.

    Ms. Dent’s alleged extracurricular activities appear to be unrelated to her death. A neighbor who declined to be identified said, “She was a horny lady, especially after her husband moved out. My family could hear moans coming from her place all the time.”

    http://decentcommunity.org/2009/05/0...mmer-as-dildo/

    inb4 this is not wtf news
    Quote Originally Posted by Toki
    Oh, gives to me opposites werewolves that turns to humans whens the moons comes outs!
    Quote Originally Posted by Toki
    We's not goes downs that dusty roads again!
    Quote Originally Posted by Pickles
    Toki is that straight vadka? It's not even noon...

  2. #2
    i got colours WellAdjusted's Avatar
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    lmfao
    That is insane...

    Do you watch the show "1000 ways to die"? I think one of the deaths was from a girl masturbating with a carrot.

  3. #3
    I loves sausage festival! djwolford's Avatar
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    It was indeed. Females masturbate with some strange things sometimes.
    Quote Originally Posted by Toki
    Oh, gives to me opposites werewolves that turns to humans whens the moons comes outs!
    Quote Originally Posted by Toki
    We's not goes downs that dusty roads again!
    Quote Originally Posted by Pickles
    Toki is that straight vadka? It's not even noon...

  4. #4
    Band simonj's Avatar
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    A guy told me he did it with a toilet roll tube with clingfilm/seran wrap around one end, filled with warm jam.

    The image has never left my poor little mind.

  5. #5
    i got colours WellAdjusted's Avatar
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    I imagine that would feel pretty good for a guy though...

    One of my friends admitted to using their straightener to masturbate.

    So yep, we use some odd things sometimes...

  6. #6
    Band simonj's Avatar
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    I have never used anything other than my hand. I'm so white-bread.

    I mean if I had a flesh light I'd totally use it now and then but there's no way I'd order one.

  7. #7
    I loves sausage festival! djwolford's Avatar
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    Word, because my hands are pretty well practiced at what they do.
    Quote Originally Posted by Toki
    Oh, gives to me opposites werewolves that turns to humans whens the moons comes outs!
    Quote Originally Posted by Toki
    We's not goes downs that dusty roads again!
    Quote Originally Posted by Pickles
    Toki is that straight vadka? It's not even noon...

  8. #8
    Senior Member Crysack's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WellAdjusted View Post
    I imagine that would feel pretty good for a guy though...

    One of my friends admitted to using their straightener to masturbate.

    So yep, we use some odd things sometimes...
    That seems a little unnecessary, unless there's some function of a straightener which provides extra.....benefits.

  9. #9
    Band simonj's Avatar
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    I assumed it was just like the way a girl might use a hairbrush or a sharpie or whatever. Nothing to do with it being plugged in.

    I could be wrong though. Third degree vaginal burns might feel hawt (geddit?).

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    Quote Originally Posted by WellAdjusted View Post
    lmfao
    That is insane...

    Do you watch the show "1000 ways to die"? I think one of the deaths was from a girl masturbating with a carrot.
    Yeah it was.. I dunno wt to say. A fucking Jackhammer?? Talk about getting "fucked to death!"

  11. #11
    Touch Me I'm Sick dudeman's Avatar
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    I was expecting peanut butter.
    The fiery red Torino rolled to the curb, we hit the pavement ready for action.

  12. #12
    I killed Tupac Shinysides's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dudeman View Post
    I was expecting peanut butter.
    Yeah I noticed Satori hasn't posted in a while too.

  13. #13
    Senior Member Killuminati's Avatar
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    Thank you djwolford for making me laugh harder than I have in a minute. What a stupid bitch lol. She's getting a darwin award.

  14. #14
    =========== KT.'s Avatar
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    LOL @ Oklahoma

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    i got colours WellAdjusted's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crysack View Post
    That seems a little unnecessary, unless there's some function of a straightener which provides extra.....benefits.
    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    I assumed it was just like the way a girl might use a hairbrush or a sharpie or whatever. Nothing to do with it being plugged in.

    I could be wrong though. Third degree vaginal burns might feel hawt (geddit?).
    Yeah, I imagine it was because she had nothing else to use...

  16. #16
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    I think the police should still mark this one down as foul play.

    lol

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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    I have never used anything other than my hand. I'm so white-bread.

    I mean if I had a flesh light I'd totally use it now and then but there's no way I'd order one.
    Because you'd have nowhere to hide it from your mother?

  18. #18
    windmills of your mind Think's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crysack View Post
    That seems a little unnecessary, unless there's some function of a straightener which provides extra.....benefits.
    well I mean I guess once the straightener was inside you could unlock it and and direct with your hand how open it was (i.e. girth) as well as how deep

    but that's just a guess

  19. #19
    I killed Tupac Shinysides's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Think View Post
    well I mean I guess once the straightener was inside you could unlock it and and direct with your hand how open it was (i.e. girth) as well as how deep

    but that's just a guess
    ooh baeby u sound like u've done this b4.

  20. #20
    λεγιων ονομα μοι sycld's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by djwolford View Post
    inb4 this is not wtf news
    if this isn't wtf news, then i don't know what is.

    also, this is why knowledge and availability of sex toys is so important for one's mental and corporeal health.


    PANDAS
    If you don't like them, then get the fuck out.

    Quote Originally Posted by Think View Post
    Atheists are quite right

  21. #21
    Senior Member Absolution's Avatar
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    That's pretty impressive logic.

    I'm gonna shove this incredibly dangerous machine in my vagina and it's gonna feel great!

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Absolution View Post
    That's pretty impressive logic.

    I'm gonna shove this incredibly dangerous machine in my vagina and it's gonna feel great!


    Hasn't stopped you before.

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    Quote Originally Posted by simonj View Post
    I have never used anything other than my hand. I'm so white-bread.

    I mean if I had a flesh light I'd totally use it now and then but there's no way I'd order one.
    I prefer to use my wife's vagina to masturbate myself lol

  24. #24
    Ghost Poaster Woofness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Think View Post
    well I mean I guess once the straightener was inside you could unlock it and and direct with your hand how open it was (i.e. girth) as well as how deep

    but that's just a guess
    Quote Originally Posted by Shinysides View Post
    ooh baeby u sound like u've done this b4.
    no he just has an in depth knowledge of straighteners and a sick mind.
    Quote Originally Posted by <JANE> View Post
    This post was quite an effort to make, I hope it wont get lost.

  25. #25
    windmills of your mind Think's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Woofness View Post
    no he just has an in depth knowledge of straighteners and a sick mind.
    after deep consideration of all possible alternatives i begrudgingly endorse this explanation

  26. #26
    Canned Kal El's Avatar
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    An orgasm too die for
    Quote Originally Posted by KT_ View Post
    Yes.

    Yesterday I was playing the Mirror's Edge demo while a dude was eating me out. Mirror's Edge is fucking awesome. I'm excited.
    Quote Originally Posted by victrola View Post
    he may be a faggot but in this case he is correct

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