I, like most of you, really enjoy stand up comedy. I for one could never go it as I don't have the confidence, but I always wondered if I could write a set that could be told as a standup routine, so I started to work on one. This is still a work in progress, I got some ideas that I am still working on, I have only one idea that I've managed to fully form and was wanting to know what people thought of it.

<link regarding health problems>

Health problems are something that we all have, even I. Sometimes they can be serious like cancer, sometimes they can be mundane and sometimes they can be embarassing. Embarassing ones are probably the worst, indeed they are the worst. Sometimes they can be a mix of embarassing and serious which takes illness to a whole new level, such as testicular cancer. You find a lump on your balls....what do you do? People have died from this illness purely because they didn't want to tell anyone. The idea of a slow death to some people has been preferable to dangling your nads infront of a doctor. I think I would be the same, I already know that I have a small cock and I don't need you knowing too.

So anyway, I currently have an embarassing health problem, and I don't know what to do about it. When you go for a shit and then wipe your arse, what colour is the toilet paper? I assume for most of you it is brown, maybe a little green, but mostly brown. More often than not for me it is brown with a big dollup of blood mixed in.

I have heard shitting blood isn't a good thing. So I worry, what if something is seriously wrong? I could die if I don't get it seen to. However, when compared to the alternative...I am not so sure. I cannot be sure where it is coming from, that is my biggest concern. Is the blood an unwelcome passenger, riding bitch on the shit train? Or...ok, I think it is best that I explain this next bit.

When I wipe my arse, I am thorough, I really go to town on my arse. Mainly because it is hairy...don't ask me how I know that, I'm not gay, it just is. Women, be thankful that you don't need to deal with this, but when we men shit, we essentially get shit on our pubes, our arse pubes. Now lets imagine you got some shit in your hair for a second, what would you do? Some of you might shave your head and pretend to have cancer, others will wash it with shampoo and other products as soon as possible, and everyone would keep it a secret, I think you can go to hell for that. But that is what happens to a man when he shits, but you can't exactly take a bottle of shampoo to your arse everytime you need a dump.

What if you are out, with some friends for example, having some drinks. You suddenly notice that you need to take a crap, so you head to the toilet and do the deed. You won't find any shampoo or towels in most men's rooms. So what do you do? Carry some arse shampoo with you whenever you go out?

"And new from Gillette, arse shampoo and towel, complete with a stylish new arse bag, the corner stone of the modern man". Of course not, real men don't carry around bags full of grooming products, and I am a real man. So I need to make the best of the only product available to me - toilet roll. Now...as I am sure some of you know, toilet roll doesn't really cut it when it comes to removing shit from hair...I assume. I know this, you know this, so I like to be thorough and often spend upwards of 30 minutes just wiping. Now I am no doctor, but this has to be taking a toll of some sorts on my arse crack...could this be the source of the blood?

Now, I haven't checked of course, I find the idea of hurling my ankles around my neck and dangling a mirror over my crotch morally repulsive and I don't want to go to hell. But the savagry of my arse wipings must have done some damage and this is my big fear:

I go to the doctors, I go in and say "Doc, im shitting blood". "I see..." replies the doctor, "could you just pop off your trousers and underwear and let me take a look?". "Hell no, Im not like that you creep" <mimick a punch and walk away swaggering>, is what I will tell my friends afterwards, you know, to defend my manliness. Of course, I will oblige him, so I am standing there, naked from the waist down, pulling my cheeks apart to allow visual entry, probably under severe mental strain...mentally warning my penis "don't you dare get hard on me, I command you not to get hard", because as far as poor timing goes, this would be right up there.

I mean how do you talk your way out of that one? You can't. I struggle to think of a situation that is more akward than this. Imagine if someone were to walk in? It would be like stumbling upon a late night coke party at Boy George's house. You just know if god is watching, in which case he probably is, as he see's everything, that you are going straight to hell. Come to think of it, God must have the largest porn collection in history. I think it is funny when christians call homosexuals "perverts" when the invisible superman they worship watches everything...people on the can...pensioners having sex...children bathing, God basically has an inbuilt child porn feed straight into his head. If only the internet had existed when they invented God. Anyway, wow could you go on living, knowing that you got an erection at such a moment? How could you look another human being in the eye ever again?

Anyway, I am not gay so of course I'd never get an erection, fuck you if you thought I would. I can just picture the suspicious look on his face when he manages to get a good, long hard look at my gaping anus. "So...have you engaged in any homosexual activity in the past 6 months?", "uhm, no...I haven't...no sir, no way", "I see..." mutters the doctor, "Only the state of your anus says different". Now, even though I have a perfectly non gay explanation for this, it is easy to see how a doctor might confuse an anus suffering from years of hardcore wiping, with that of an anus ravaged by years of aids and male sex organs.

So do you see my dilemma? Embarassing illnesses are the worst. Those baldy, pale cancer patients think they have it tough. But they don't. They are only going to die. They don't need to walk into a doctors surgery and position themselves in such a manner as to sugges thatt a sickening act of homosexual buggary, which is the worst kind, was about to ensue.

--end of that part.

What do you think? Obviously, it is a work in progress and I have more stuff that I am still trying to nail down, that is the first complete segment and was wondering if that was even amusing in the slightest.