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Thread: I broke up with my friend (this is kinda long)

  1. #1
    can't post; too scared Anonymous's Avatar
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    Default I broke up with my friend (this is kinda long)

    Right well this was one of those friends with benefits thing, and we started liking each other but college got in the way, but I maintained close contact with her.

    I would talk on the phone with this girl for hours everyday, and we recently started skyping one another (kind of replacing the phone calls) and I just told her after four hours of talking that I can't be friends with her anymore because I still like her and that I don't want her as just a friend.

    This all started by my asking her if she's met any guys at college (I've never asked her this before because, but recently I felt that we were actually getting closer so I did) and she did. She always told me that she hung out with this kid, and I never thought anything of it because I thought it was not my place since we never were official; but fuck that, I'm crazy about this girl, I think about her all the time, and we have talked to each other literally every single day, and I know people who are "just friends" do not do this.

    So I told her that I can't talk to her or hang out with her when she gets back for break because I have these feelings for her, and she says that she has the same feelings for me too but we were never going out, so like what the fuck? I'm confused as to what I'm suppose to do, I told her that I'm not going to call her and that I wasn't going to hang out with her because I don't want to be just friends with her (I know I'm ranting, but please bear with me).

    She did come back for a fall break which was like four days, I saw her one day, didn't really know how to act at first, but we hooked up and I know that this will continue on winter break. The thing that I'm trying to say is that I don't want our relationship to end, but I'm still going to like her as more than a friend, I know I will; and I don't want her dating other guys (and she says she won't do anything with this guy and that she hasn't even kissed him but this is just what she tells me), but that isn't for me to decide, I have no say in it.

    Really I guess what I want from her is for us to be exclusive and to be girlfriend/boyfriend but it's just unrealistic, she's just too far away. Did I make the right choice by cutting of the relationship? I deleted her number out of my phone book (I still know it), I'm not going to call her but I still want to, but I don't want to be friends. I'm completely at a loss here.

  2. #2
    Senior Member BLMWolby's Avatar
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    Ok first off life is retarded. Its as simple as that. You never get what you want 100%. If you feel for this girl like you say you do, then the only thing to do is tell her.Actions speak louder than words as well. If you're just "Hooking Up" with her, maybe its different. But if hooking up is preceeded by talking and cuddling and then ends with the same, then you probably have a girl who feels the same way for you.

    Yeah. Distance is gonna be a HUGE issue. How far is it? Is it driving distance? If its less than 5-6 hours then you should probably just set aside weekends once a month to go to her, or make her come to you, or alternate. (This is assuming that when you tell her how you feel, she says she feels the same, and you guys make sweet sweet love) Don't expect life to give you something like an awesome relationship just flat-out with no work attached. If something is really meant to be then it will be EASY work, but still WORK.

    Also just keep in mind that she may just be afraid of the word "Girlfriend" don't use it. Don't. Ask her to be exclusive, but don't outright ask her to be your girlfriend. Test the waters. Some girls just freak out at the label and you may find yourself broken up before you know it. (If that happens, all hope isn't lost. It might be weird at first, but you will find yourself back where you were if the relationship is supposed to happen) I know "Will you be exclusive with me" seems like a retarded question when you've been inside of her, but don't let its simplicity scare you, and don't take it for granted either. Be serious when you ask her. Don't make a joke out of it.

    Best of luck man.

  3. #3
    the eagle
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    So in order to protect yourself from potential unhappiness, you shut off channels to all potential happiness.

    It's safe, but safe is boring. Shake things up, how about. Afraid of getting hurt? Everyone gets hurt. Give it a shot anyway, if you're as crazy about her as you say. If things go south, you'll get over it. If you don't try, well, you'll just be kicking yourself.

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    Senior Member BLMWolby's Avatar
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    Whomever posted this should write back to us. It would be good to hear what you decided or just how you took the advice we gave you.

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    can't post; too scared Anonymous's Avatar
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    Well, I called her back in about two hours that same night and we talked about what was going through our minds when I came to that decision (mainly because I got jealous and angry that she's actually attracted to someone else, but she of course says that she still maintains this attraction for me and that that relationship with the other guy will not go anywhere). It started off that I couldn't not talk and hang out with her because fact of the matter is I like her a lot, and she said the same to me (she also reinforced her strong feelings for me), but she also said that we should try not hooking up with each other and I just thought "why?" I mean if we both like each other then why suppress those feelings?

    We talked about the future of our relationship which basically was that there's really no way for us to have a relationship together that's beyond friendship because of the distance (and that was her rational for us not hooking up) and that sucks but I think we'll get to that point one day just not now.

    That phone conversation was the most personal we've ever been with each other; I'm pissed that we can't have a relationship because that's what I want but it just won't happen (she goes to a college that's 12 hours away from mine), and I've noticed that she's changing but that's inevitable (as have I). I feel like I can't have her as a friend until we're a couple but it's never going to happen.

    So what's happening is this: winter break, when she comes back, we're gonna act as we did before we left for college, but when she goes back, she's gone for five months and I won't see her until summer and that makes me sad.

  6. #6
    Pill popping nihilist Cryptic's Avatar
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    It sounds to me like you're just going to have to let this one go. I've been in a similar situation (minus the actual sex, but we pretty much did everything except that) and same thing, there were a million reasons why it was "supposed" to work....except it never actually did.

    I had to come to the realization that just because two people have feelings for each other does NOT mean that a relationship can work out. It really hurt me and frankly still bothers me, I think I'll always wonder "what if" and think she's the one that got away but it just wasn't meant to happen for whatever reason. Her life circumstances and some things that were going on with me at the time just made a relationship impossible.

    I eventually had to break all contact with her because "so close, but so far away" became too much for me. I still run into her now and then and there's still a pang of regret there but it's nothing I can't handle.

    It seems like you can't be together because of:

    1. Distance
    2. You both changing
    3. Her saying it won't work out (you can't have a relationship with yourself)

    You're going to be 12 hours apart for several years. That seems to be the main thing. I mean it's up to you if you can continue this friendship as JUST a friendship but honestly I think it's going to tear you apart like it did me. I know it's just as hard to let her go completely but maybe that's what you'll have to do to move on and find someone to care about that actually CAN be with you.

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    can't post; too scared Anonymous's Avatar
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    OP here

    So we saw each other last night for the first time in two months, and we hooked up and while we were hooking up she tells me that she doesn't want to do anything sexual anymore for the remainder of winter break. Her logic for this decision is because she doesn't want to develop "feelings" since we're both going back to school in a month; but she told me that she is still going to be flirty with me which kind of makes things difficult for me.

    Anyways, do you guys think that she really meant this? I'm thinking she's just doing it to fuck with my head because if she really wanted to be just friends then I think she would have taken a better approach to tell me.

  8. #8
    Pill popping nihilist Cryptic's Avatar
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    Why don't you just find a girl that can, or will, actually give you what you want? You have some control over this, you know. A girl who won't be with you and knows how you feel about her is "still going to be flirty" with you even though she knows it will hurt you? And you're still hanging around because why? If you stick around and take this shit, to be blunt, you deserve all the heartache and confusion you get.
    Last edited by Cryptic; 12-13-2008 at 09:08 PM.

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    Merry fucking Christmas Atmosfear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous View Post
    Anyways, do you guys think that she really meant this? I'm thinking she's just doing it to fuck with my head because if she really wanted to be just friends then I think she would have taken a better approach to tell me.
    I think she meant exactly what she said, regardless of whether or not you think it is logical.

    Regardless of how she feels about you, she doesn't see your situation as conducive to having a relationship. Change your situation (stupid) or go find someone who does (smart.) Being miserable doesn't prove anything to a girl other than that they were right not to date you.

  10. #10
    I killed Tupac Shinysides's Avatar
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    I've been in these kinds of relationships before, and I've seen friends in them. 9 out of 10 times, it doesn't work out. You and her will both slowly start to drift apart, just talking less on the phone, not really feeling the desire to call each other as much anymore. Then you'll stop hanging out when you go home on breaks, if you even go home for breaks. It's sad, but most distance relationships fail because people change. You can't stop it, and it hurts, but thats how it goes. Not to say you shouldn't try, because if it's important to you, you should. But I wouldn't expect to much or get your hopes up too high. Just relax and let it go where it will. You can't change that anyways so there is no point in worrying about it.

  11. #11
    Senior Member bacon ops's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anonymous View Post
    Right well this was one of those friends with benefits thing, and we started liking each other but college got in the way, but I maintained close contact with her.

    I would talk on the phone with this girl for hours everyday, and we recently started skyping one another (kind of replacing the phone calls) and I just told her after four hours of talking that I can't be friends with her anymore because I still like her and that I don't want her as just a friend.

    This all started by my asking her if she's met any guys at college (I've never asked her this before because, but recently I felt that we were actually getting closer so I did) and she did. She always told me that she hung out with this kid, and I never thought anything of it because I thought it was not my place since we never were official; but fuck that, I'm crazy about this girl, I think about her all the time, and we have talked to each other literally every single day, and I know people who are "just friends" do not do this.

    So I told her that I can't talk to her or hang out with her when she gets back for break because I have these feelings for her, and she says that she has the same feelings for me too but we were never going out, so like what the fuck? I'm confused as to what I'm suppose to do, I told her that I'm not going to call her and that I wasn't going to hang out with her because I don't want to be just friends with her (I know I'm ranting, but please bear with me).

    She did come back for a fall break which was like four days, I saw her one day, didn't really know how to act at first, but we hooked up and I know that this will continue on winter break. The thing that I'm trying to say is that I don't want our relationship to end, but I'm still going to like her as more than a friend, I know I will; and I don't want her dating other guys (and she says she won't do anything with this guy and that she hasn't even kissed him but this is just what she tells me), but that isn't for me to decide, I have no say in it.

    Really I guess what I want from her is for us to be exclusive and to be girlfriend/boyfriend but it's just unrealistic, she's just too far away. Did I make the right choice by cutting of the relationship? I deleted her number out of my phone book (I still know it), I'm not going to call her but I still want to, but I don't want to be friends. I'm completely at a loss here.

    dude, my girlfriend lives in Russia, and I live in Texas. We have a great relationship.


    Don't be afraid to take a chance and possibly miss out on a great thing.

  12. #12
    can't post; too scared Anonymous's Avatar
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    We're going back to being friends.

    Just thought I'd let you guys know, for some reason.

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