OP again. Thanks for your kind and supportive words, I really do appreciate them, it has lifted my spirits and I reckon I can enjoy christmas now.

I know that excercise is good, I used to work out alot and it made me feel more confident, I had been going well once I left uni and was looking for work, but too many job rejections crushed me and I haven't touched a weight since.

It is funny, I used to have an active social life, I was never in. One reason for my reclusiveness was in the company I kept. I grew up in a rough part of a rough place, many of my childhood friends have been to jail for things such as drug dealing, serious assault, rape and attempted murder. I was always smarter than them and knew I had to get away from them. Sadly the only place I could go was home. The old me, whilst hanging with bad company, was a much stronger person and wouldn't be in this mess now. Almost 6 years of being a recluse makes me worry that what little confidence and self esteem I had has been lost for good.

Part of what is getting at me is my fear of moving on in life. As I said, I grew up in a rough, shitty place. Most people were on benefits, alot of druggies and alcoholics. My family has a history of alcoholism. It is full of under acheivers, I don't and never have wanted to be like that. I've been to uni, have a degree and a post graduate qualification but...I did have a job, but only for 2 days. I should never have taken it as it was too far away, but I just fell apart emotionally at the thought of this being my life. I couldn't hold it together at all, I don't know what happened to me.

This might sound odd, but the culture of work is alien to me. No matter how well I do academically, when you grow up in a culture of poverty, deprevation, substance abuse and crime, getting out of it is surprisingly difficult. I don't want to exist in such a place, but don't know how to exist outside of it. Shitholes like the place I live have a habit of getting its claws in and holding you in a vice like grip, destroying anything good in you.

I am off to see the doctor on Monday. Meds alone won't help me. I haven't been able to tell her about my violent urges. I feel so ashamed discussing them, the things I sometimes want to do to people are horrific and when I am not in that dark place I feel ashamed of myself. I think I shall write a letter to her, as I can communicate my feelings better on paper than verbally.

Thanks for listening, I hate to ramble on but as I am sure you guys are aware, it does help. It feels nice to be able to get stuff off your chest.