I've been battling this inner struggle for some time now, and I felt that I have to tell someone. Yes, I know this is the Internet, and I know that opening myself up to complete strangers isn't probably the right thing to do, but, for me, it's the only non-awkward thing to do.

There's probably more to be said and I might have forgotten it, but, it's late, and this was all that I could write and what came into my mind. If I feel that more needs to be said, I'll say it in another post.

Case in point, I'm lonely, I'm stuck in a shitty position, and everyone around me, despite being how fake and hypocritical they are, are happier and more well off then me.

Firstly, I barley attend my college classes anymore. I just sleep in. When the semester started, I didn't have any money to pay off my past tuition, so I couldn't attend classes. When we finally got the money, we paid it off, and I had to go register my classes late. Well, my adviser said that she couldn't help me pick them this late in the game, so I had to go physically ask each professor if I could be in their class. Bare in mind, I didn't know if these classes pertained to my major or not, so it was a crap shoot.

Turned out some didn't, and I just plain didn't give a fuck. I'll sleep in, miss classes, and just go "meh." I'm lazy now, and I don't know why. It's not like I ever tried before either. I hate the school I'm at - it was never my prime choice, and I was just thrown in there without any real care. My parents asked me if I want to transfer, and that I should get a jump on it, but my grades? Well, they aren't the best, so how can I transfer? From the start, I was never happy with my college, and my ambition to try wasn't there. I wasn't happy, and I hated it. I guess I'm still like that too - seeing everyone else off to their college and career of choice, and me just sulking here. I hate it. Maybe that's why I don't care about my classes. Though, I become a hypocrite each night in the shower, where guilt comes and I pray that the next day I'll go to class but I sleep in. My mood always changes, I don't know why. I decided to drop the majority of my classes, because they just don't pertain to my major. Stupid adviser. And I just don't know what to do - who do I talk to, what can I do to get my act together? I'm not happy here, I want to transfer, but I don't think I can. I dug myself a hole I knew was bad but didn't care about. I tend to not pay attention in class, and I think I need to start taking "pay attention" pills to help.

Now, onto the next thing that's going to make you roll your eyes. With my behavior towards school, I'm now lonely. I have no girlfriends, and I hate seeing my friends being happy. I hate seeing them having what they want and not me. Who to blame for this? I don't know - I blame those responsible for putting me in the college not of my choice, though the blame could also be mine, but I plea that I'm just not mentally fit for the situation. Everyone I know goes out and party, and they can drink, but I cannot. Sure, I'm now 21, but that doesn't mean much. Who am I going to go to the bar with? My friends aren't 21, yet they all drink. I don't drink. I feel like an asshole and left out. I feel like I have no real connection with them, some of which even do drugs. I grew up in a house hold that had morals and values, and there wasn't alcohol in my house nor drugs. I grew up clean, and I'm clean right now. Bad part is, no one else I know is clean, and they're all having the fun I wish I had. I hate staying home on Friday night's, only to log on to Facebook or AIM and hear tales of fun while I just sat there and rot. I saw a girl one day, I reconized her, and I was like, do I know you? Did we meet at a party? And she just looked at me and went "I don't think you go to the same parties I go to.", meaning that I'm a loser and I don't hang out with the cool and good looking kids. That's right, good looking. I'm single, and I have stretch marks on my body, some acne, overweight some, and I have a sever snoring problem. Who'd sleep with me? I'm nothing compared to everyone else I know. Maybe I'm cursed and am meant to be a pitiful boring failure of a fuck. I feel people view me more as a novelty then a person, because of my characteristics, thus not being a person to truly "date". I mean, seriously, I'll look at Facebook pictures of kids at college, living in a dorm and not with their parents, living it up. I look and wonder what it's like to be pretty and have the attention of the opposite sex clinging onto you, being popular and calling you, and basically having the time of your social and single 20s life, the times everyone should have, except me. My mother for Christ sake got mad at me when I drank some champagne for my 21st alone in my room. I didn't get fucked up, I didn't go drive, I just wanted to enjoy myself, and here I was getting yelled at, at age 21, for legally drinking. I didn't drink much before that, in fact, I choose not to - I hate beer. I hate the taste of it. I was pissed at that.

I hate my friends, save for a select few. They're all now phony and hypocrites, and sometimes just plain dumb, though the dumb part isn't for this rant. They give me no advice, and they are all shady motherfuckers. One group of friends, once filled with a Christian girl and a straightedge guy has now turned into the Christian being a whore and a lesbian lover and the straight edge becoming a bisexual drug addict and alcoholic. I was blown away by this information. Yet, as bad as they are, they have all the fun. I live a clean, decent life, and I get nothing. I get boredom. Why is that? Clearly, girls are more attracted to shitheads who love to party, and who treat them like shit. Why? I don't know. And if you're a girl reading this who dates a deadbeat like that, then fucking look at him and truly see what he is. Chances are, you'll go, "I don't know..." and continue to date him. Why? Because you're fucking stupid, and you know you are and you know he is. But that's not the point. The point is that my friends aren't what they used to be. They've all changed. And I get nothing. My female friends are nothing to me, despite my efforts to flirt and hook-up with them. One just outright said that I embarrass her, really with no excuse as to why. Said girl also didn't find any interest in me, yet would talk about how my other male friends are hot, and that she attempted to and successfully hooked up with one of them on New Year's Eve and she got her New Year's Day kiss. Me, I did not. I tried talking to her about it, she just laughed it off. I still find her to be very cute, but my chances with her are done. She too, is a hypocrite - saying that my one friend will go to Hell for drinking. Then she gets shitfaced on New Year's Eve, without acknowledging the past. Another girl that I introduced my friends to, ended up dating and hooking up with 6 of them. I ask myself, "What's wrong with me? What, am I ugly or something?" I was crushed when I heard this, and I felt terrible. Regardless, I ended up hearing more stories about her, and have deemed her a whore, and really don't plan on hanging out with her anymore. My other female friends find my other friends to be handsome, but not me. It's never me at all, and I'm sick of it. As for my male friends, I always see them or hear of them hooking up with girls, and I never do. And I'm sick of hearing their stories and their sayings of "Don't worry, there's someone out there for you!" I hate the cliche answers, I swear to Christ I do. I hate it when this one girl I know IMs me of her hookups, of how she knows all these dudes, and how she said she would secretly date me but finds me creepy and would never kiss me, but, again, finds my one friend hot and never me. Fuck that, I don't need that. So why do I keep talking to these assholes? Because I have no one else to talk to I feel. I don't know what's going on, but I've been laughed at by my family, saying that I have no game in the field of women, and that they're concerned that at age 21, I'm single still. I didn't tell them that I'm a virgin too, God knows what would happen if I did.

My friends just seem to be better off then me, in every way. With looks, life, and having the opportunity to party, I hate them for it. I'm jealous and sad. I want their lives, but instead I'm stuck with my own. I'm sorry if I don't do drugs or drink or listen to music, sorry if I don't play the guitar or throw parties with my parents out of town or not caring. People have criticized me for the way I am, for how I act - I've been called "a creeper" (though the people who called me that I later on realized I didn't give a shit about, and by being a creeper, who the fuck knows. This was said by the people who will call me out for it but will then go out and drink and hook up with some random guy, despite who or what he is. Makes perfect sense.) and "a dick", though the people who called me that I either have had a nice talk with them or it's this one friend of mine who's views on life and how he treats others is very skewed I'm not even going to waste my time with it. People need to know how to take a fucking joke sometimes, Jesus God. Sure, my friends will be there for me, but I don't know if I want them to be. I see them, and I see them for what I want, not for what they are: I see them for lust, for hatred, and for jealousy, not as a friend looking to another friend. There are even friends out there who I wish I could talk to, to muster up the courage to throw out a text to see if they'd want to hang out, but fear and realize that the answer would either be they couldn't or they just wouldn't respond to me. And then I'll see my friends and these friends hanging out, but no invite was given to me, and I feel as if they just don't care enough. I just want to hang out with them. I just want to date a scene girl who wears Converse shoes, a long dream I've had. Will I ever get it? No, 99% chance I won't. Why? I don't know.

Look, I'll just end up repeating myself. What's wrong with me? Where can I go to get help? These feelings of loneliness, jealousy and anger is too much. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to go to meet new people. I'm anti-social now because of these turn of events, and I have no new friends. All my friends are away in college, living the life I wish I had. I'm stuck at home, living with mommy and daddy, single and collecting comic books because that's my only escape from all of this. Now I've abandoned my schooling, and I just fear that nothing good will come of my life, and that I'll end up being a loser who hooks up with this bar room braud who's not really attractive and end up calling her "my wife". I've been told I'm never boring, am not that bad looking, and that I'm too hard on myself. Really? Taking a look around me, it would appear as if the people who told me that just told me that to make me feel better and don't really give a shit about me. Maybe if I started to go to bars, do drugs, play guitar and sing folk music and become an asshole, maybe then I'd be awesome. Maybe then I'd fit in with the rest of you all. Maybe if I become a funny drunk people will accept me. Maybe if I do all the things my friends do, then I'll be awesome. Maybe then I'd finally be happy, and I guess being happy means to not be yourself and to give in, to go against the upbringing that your family put you in and to join the society that you were raised to beleive was morally wrong in the first place. Because, quite frankly, there seems to be nothing else I can go for.