I am a dude with an artist's work-ethic and a data entry technician's creativity.

It's not that I don't work hard. When I have a project I care about - I mean, really care about - I put every screed of myself on the line to make it as good as I can. Everything else in life... eh, fuck that.

I don't know who to be. Scratch that. I don't know WHAT to be. I yearn to live the creative life. Write books, act, be a musician. My secret dream is to be an animator and make movies like the great Disney classics (...only, I can't draw). But I'm paralyzed with these two fears: one, that I'll waste my life toiling and stay obscure, and get no chance to make or work on something great, and two, that I'm untalented and boring anyway. I could apply myself and learn music, or try to teach myself to draw and go be an animator but for every successful Disney/Pixar/Dreamworks/whatever artist, there's a guy sketching caricatures at the mall, or washed up as a lecturer at some bottom-rung art school, or animating crude hentai for dirty money.

I've got a job, I've got a degree, I've got a huge group of friends I love and adore, some of whom will go on to be huge in their creative fields, there's no doubt. But I just can't spend my life at some schmuck job, wishing I was making something instead of just consuming.

I don't know what to do with myself. Trying to make a career out of creativity scares me, and I can't escape the knowledge that I'm just not good enough. Not making a career out of creativity will kill me, or leave me crying in the shower in ten years or attempting to drink away my long-shrivelled-up dreams.

I sound so damn melodramatic, but I feel like a defective model. Bad programming. Behavioural parameters out of reach of capability.