So, I figured why not give you guys an update?

Still seeing my guy once a week. Thankfully, the sessions are now A LOT cheaper, which is a plus -- if nothing else, at least now I don't spend the whole session going "this better be worth $300, this better be worth $300..." and so it's a bit freer.

However I feel, more and more, like my doctor is nothing more than the boy with his finger in the dyke. Sometimes it seems like he's shining a light on every neurosis I have, one by one, and bringing me closer to being at peace with myself, but the sheer volume of my psychological baggage -- which I didn't even know I had until about two months ago -- is overwhelming. I can't adequately express how much I hate the inside of my own head. I feel like I will never be able to function as a person.

The doc thinks I'm not "ill"; that is, he doesn't think I have a chemical imbalance or a bipolarity or anything which would require medication (though there are meds that could function as "painkillers", essentially). I agree with him. But the fact is, I'm really fucking depressed, and the fact of it not being the fault of silly chemicals just reinforces how shit-fucked I am upstairs and, since there's no cure for "sad", makes me feel like I'm never, ever going to be "happy", outside of a few fleeting, trivial moments.

Sure, I think sometimes, maybe I'm just still flapping about in breakup land. But the fact remains that I'm terrible at relationships (romantic and platonic) and don't consider myself an interesting/talented/attractive/likeable/worthwhile person. That's been the way for years. It's not breakup land. It's life.

And I just don't want to be here.